Being a responsible rejector

A little over a year ago, I was being fucked doggy style and was bored out of my mind. And I realized I was only there because it had been easier to go along with the guy suggesting we go back to my place than it had been to say no. There was nothing wrong with him. And he was nice. And respectful. And I even had an orgasm when he ate me out. But I wasn’t into it.

So I vowed then not to do that again. Don’t get me wrong, I had rejected guys before. But I had also had sex when I was horny and a decent guy was there willing to fuck me. And I realized that there is a difference for me between sex I want to have and sex I don’t want to have, even when everything on the surface seems the same (it’s casual, I don’t have deep feelings, I don’t care if I see them again…)

So last night I went and met a guy for a drink nearby. I walked in and he looked like his pics…but skinnier. Not a big deal, but he was a little too skinny. But then I got close and he smelled like…an old baseball hat. Now he did have a full beard. I don’t know if that was it? Or just not showering that day? Or what. But he smelled. And I knew then we wouldn’t be naked. But I ordered a drink (which he insisted on paying for and then talked about how poor he is…geez dude, I could have bought my own drink. I don’t think he did it to make me feel guilty, but b/c he just didn’t get that maybe that puts me in a really awkward position).

And we talked. And he was fidgity.  And he indicated he was willing to leave whenever I was. But I didn’t want to reject him just as I started my drink b/c then why did I order it? (Or that’s how I felt). So I waited until the end of the drink and told him I wasn’t feeling it.

And he asks why. And I just said it had nothing to do with him (the dirty smell didn’t help, but we wouldn’t have been fucking anyway) and just that it wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t comfortable enough. And although he’s a nice guy, he keeps trying to insist it would be fun. Like…he knew intellectually I could say no. But didn’t actually accept I could say no. Which isn’t attractive. And is annoying. And is really fucking annoying that even the good guys think “But I think we’d have a lot of fun” and “I was looking forward to this” are reasons for me to change my mind.

So I have no regrets with rejecting him. I hate that I felt bad about it. And I hate that guys are so horrible at accepting rejection. Even the decent ones.

How is it that 3somes now seem normal?

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a complaint or a worry. It just is…I’m a 40-something professional woman who most people would describe as highly engaged in activism, maybe a little weird (people have a hard time with single women who are happy), kind of innocent looking…and yet, here I am, as a “go to MILF” for an incredibly hot bi guy…

So, super hot bi guy said he had a lot of interested guys in 3somes with me. Which just seems weird to me. But, ok! I’m not complaining. I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t taken much time to just have fun sex…and if super hot bi guy wants to set up something where I end up naked? I’m going to trust the situation. He’s finishing up med school and was on night shifts last week, so we had to wait for the weekend…Saturday he starts texting me options for the evening. Which feels kind of weird. I mean, these are humans. But yes, I’m going to go with the one I find most attractive. And he had a nice cock too…

So, super hot bi guy and this new guy show up at my place Saturday evening. They had smoked some weed before coming over, which was fine with me. I don’t care. We proceeded to have a couple drinks. The new guy seemed shy and maybe a little too stoned, but he was pretty hot (not necessarily my type – a little to pretty boy for me – but I couldn’t complain about the good doctor’s work in finding him).

After awhile, we went to my room. The undressing is always the most awkward part of group stuff IMO.  With one on one, you can easily undress the other. With group, you kind of have to take care of yourself. Or that’s how it has always been….Since both guys are in amazing shape, I had the moment of worrying that my imperfect body, somewhat bloated from my leftover Chinese food dinner, was not up to their standards…but with both sucking on each of my nipples, I quickly forgot about it.

Other than my first MMF  where we literally had all independently made decisions to sleep with each other before we got together, this was the best dynamic I’ve had for a 3some. And definitely the hottest guys, which, you know, is part of the fantasy.  I finally managed to experience DVP, which was really fun, though way more awkward than it looks in porn (again, how am I just “oh, yeah, DVP…fun! But awkward? I am not someone anyone in my office would expect this of. But that’s part of the fun).  Oh, and DVP is also fun, besides being awkward.

By the end, I was done, the guys were done, my bed was beyond soaked (so gross to sleep in that night, but well worth it) and I woke up to a nice message from super hot bi guy about how fun it was…and a message this morning asking if I’m around tonight if he can set something up…

Unfortunately, he leaves for the summer soon. I don’t know how med school works. All I know is that he won’t be around after his next set of boards for at least 3 months, maybe forever (depending on job prospects). But I can definitely say that he will be remembered as the guy who helped create a situation that lil ol’ me never thought I’d be in – not just hot, crazy sex. But hot, crazy sex with 2 guys who I never would have dreamed were guys who would be naked with me.*

*Note, I’m very pragmatic about who is in my league looks-wise and who isn’t.  Pretty people are people I enjoy b/c, well, I am motivated by what looks amazing. I don’t think it it means anything more for me than “why yes, I do like touching you naked”-type excitement. I’m no more or less valuable as a person post-3some with hot guys than I was before. It was just a true fantasy experience.

The Frustration of Being Told by Feminists that I don’t Really Control My Own Sex Choices

Today I was told that prostitution and porn aren’t sex and women can’t consent to them by a friend who is a feminist.

And, while I absolutely understand the concerns about sex trafficking and always elevate those from a policy perspective above all else, I refuse to accept that I couldn’t go out and charge money to have sex with me. I mean, I’ve had sex that was less exciting than other sex. And I’ve had sex that wasn’t what I expected it to be. And I’ve had boring sex. And I’ve had sex to get out of an awkward situation.  All of those were my choice. I have been raped. I know the difference. There is an enormous difference between being mid-fuck and thinking “I would much rather be sleeping right now, but I’ll power through it” and doing what has to be done to stay alive. So, if I wanted to have boring sex and get paid for it, eh…that’s my choice. I have options in life.

But yet…I frequently encounter women I admire, smart women, capable women, women who are well-educated, etc who are around my age…who give me parameters that have to be met for sex to be valid. For sex to be something that isn’t about the patriarchy. Some things I agree with – like consent – but others, like a loving environment….not so much. I’ve had in-love sex. It’s fantastic. I have also had raunch, kinky, not-remotely-in-love sex with men who I don’t even for sure know their names…and that’s also fantastic. But different.

If you did away with the patriarchy and religion, there would be zero reason why we’d raise an eyebrow at any adult’s safe sexual choices, whether or not money was involved, as long as everyone involved was able to and did consent. Yet those trying to smash the patriarchy often perpetuate it by saying there is a right and a wrong way to have sex.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a shit on feminists post. It is more a post about what many feminists unquestionably accept – that only men control sex outside of a loving relationship.  And in doing that, women like me are infantilized. And that has scary implications.