A “happily ever after” update without a prince

I saw a friend over the weekend who asked me if I was going to blog again and I said I was sort of tired of it, but it probably made sense to do an update.

So…my update is…nothing much has changed…and I’m still happy with no boyfriends, casual sex on my terms, and exploring my sexual boundaries.

Yummy Guy hasn’t been around for months. And that’s fine. I would see him again if he reached out, but I don’t even feel like making the effort to text him right now. Not because he did anything wrong or sex wasn’t good. But I’m just not feeling like he’s a priority for me right now.

And I still don’t want a boyfriend/husband/significant other. I don’t want to put the time into it. I don’t want to add another priority to my life.

Just to update on recent men…on July 4 (which is SOOOO not my holiday…crowds of people in American flag clothes isn’t my thing), a hot 25 yr old who I had met a couple weeks before texted me about meeting up. Now this guy is really really really hot. Tall, athletic build with broad shoulders, dark hair, blue eyes, nice smile, AND a nice thick cock. The first time I met him, I ended up giving him a prostate orgasm. His first. So of course all he could do was think about me.

Well, I had my period on the 4th, so I warned him. And he didn’t care. In fact, he even went down on me and begged me to ride his face. Eventually, I had him tied up, blindfolded, and was just using him as my own personal toy, which he absolutely loved. He had never been dominated before and apparently he loves it. He wants me to peg him next time I see him. I will. He’s earned it.

Then on the 5th I met this guy for a day drink who I had been talking to for a month in advance of his move to Chicago. He’s 30. Didn’t look to be my usual type in pics (lighter hair than I usually like and a bit stockier), but I did enjoy his dick pics A LOT and I liked him. He’s intelligent and seemed to want to have an actual connection behind a casual sex thing. When he showed up, I was pleasantly surprised. Still not my usual type, but fitter than I expected (he’s like 5’10 and built like a rugby player instead of my usual preference for beach volleyball types). He also has a very nice face. He was very flirtatious and we went back to my place after a couple drinks.

BUT…he couldn’t get hard. I tried any tricks I had. His dick was dead. Floppy. And I still had my period and while he seemed ok with period sex, I really don’t expect a guy to want to fully play with me during my period. So when he couldn’t get hard, I expected the usual “I guess I’m just not feeling it” dash out of my place. But instead, we spent a couple hours making out, he got me off a few times and he also even went down on me (it’s been years since a guy went down on me during my period and then 2 in one week???). Eventually I had to kick him out because I had dinner plans with friends to get to. And my pussy was sore from the day before and all he was doing to play with it.

So we exchanged a few texts the next day and then…nothing. I assumed he had freaked himself out because he couldn’t get hard and was disappearing.

Luckily he didn’t. We ended up getting together Friday after work (I had to move another guy who reappeared a year after our one and only date, but it was worth it). He warned me that he might be too tired to really fulfill me bc he had been out all night partying (oh to be 30 and think that’s fun…).

But within 10 min of me arriving at his place, he had a lovely hard cock and we basically spent 2-3 hours naked and playing with each other, fucking, cuddling, etc. He was rougher than I usually like, and my body was INTO it. Every time and in every way, his touch got me wet. We had at least 4 rounds of sex. Hard to keep track. He invited me to stay over, but that’s not really my thing with someone I barely know.

And he texted this morning to see if I enjoyed myself. Which I definitely did.

So…this is still me. This is still what I do with my “social life”. And while I don’t begrudge anyone who wants a relationship and finds one, I do want to keep spreading the word that it’s not necessary to have someone romantically love you to feel appreciated, loved even, and be happy.

Ok…this is how you do role play

I’d never been into role play. I wasn’t against it. If a partner wanted to act something out, I was pretty open, but I had zero desire to really pursue it.  That is, until I figured out how to do it in a way that was pretty hot.

So, for some reason, I’ve thought porn involving stepmom or stepsister was hot. I don’t know why. I have no step-relations. So there is nothing realistic about this. No hidden desires either.  I was talking to someone new and he said he was into that and he started texting me as my stepson. At first it was odd, but then it got really hot. We found a rhythm of texting as step mom/son and then when we were out of character, we’d talk in parentheticals.  Last weekend, we did a quick video chat during a break in my schedule where we kind of confirmed we’re both real.

And did I mention that he as hot AF? Literally one of the best bodies I’ve ever seen and adorable smile and face. So he came over last week and we had agreed we would stay in character until after we hooked up. And we did…

Omg. It was so hot.  I don’t know why, but it just was amazing.  I couldn’t get enough of him (of course, it didn’t hurt he was super hot, but I think I was less self-conscious about the hotness differential since we were in these roles).

After, we chatted…he’s like this super hot jock dork. And super nice and respectful.  He loved it too and as soon as he left, I was getting more messages from him – at first about how hot it was and then back in character. I think we’re going to keep this up for some time. I hope!

I haven’t been updating as much because, well, I don’t feel like it’s all that interesting to just say “I saw Yummy Guy again” or “Finally met a new guy I’d been texting with. He was fun!” But I have wanted to say that I have zero desire to change my status quo. I adore Yummy Guy and we have a great connection. But I don’t want to be his girlfriend. And I still enjoy meeting different guys and seeing where things lead. I feel like so many times these stories are cautionary or fairy tales “slutty girl realizes all she wants is to be with the one” or whatever.

I like my independence. I like the connection and way it looks to meet someone in a way that allows a part of them that they usually hide to be front and center. Maybe someday I’ll decide I want something different, but I am enjoying this. It’s fun.

With the end of times coming, might as well have as much fun as possible

Ok, this headline is a bit melodramatic. But as someone who has studied the start of many genocides, it does feel like the US is brewing for something horrendous.  How it will play out is in doubt. The fact that there is systematic dehumanization of real people though is definitely going on. And I’m scared. But sex is still a great escape for me.

It’s a weird dichotomy…the part that just needs an escape sometimes and the part that knows how bad things are now. So last week was a week of profound fear and stress for me as I watched so much of our system that protects vulnerable continue to be destroyed.

Last week, I was supposed to see Yummy Guy on Wednesday, but he cancelled last minute. I was bummed, but I guess we have enough history that I don’t think he ever intentionally tries to be an ass. And he apologized. But I had canceled Kinky Guy to see Yummy Guy (I really enjoy both, but YG is just…YG. Time with him is special, even if the sex with KG may be more technically on point).

I had plans Friday with a new guy who seemed to have potential…an artist who actually was pragmatic in his outlook. So I met The Artist at a bar near me and was…not sure how I felt. He truly is sweet and he has a nice face and it was just one of those situations where I decided to flirt and see if I could get some feelings going. Eventually he paid the bill and I decided to invite him back. I was curious and figured there was one way to find out what the chemistry really was.

So, long story short (because it definitely lasted awhile), he went down on me, I did virtually nothing to him, and that was the only sex we had. It was great tho. I felt slightly bad that I did nothing to him and he went down on me and paid for drinks…but. Eh. He seemed into it and I enjoyed it.

Sunday, Kinky Guy messaged saying he was back in town from a couple days away and he was horny…fortunately, I was horny too, so I invited him over. This time he wanted to pretend he was the dog walker walking in on me tied up from a burglar and that he would save me. So I handcuffed myself and left the door open. And…sex was great.  He really knows what he’s doing and is a lot of fun.

That brings us to Monday and I was sort of wondering what was going on with YG, so I messaged him. Which lead to him coming over…and while the sex with KG is more technically great, with YG there is just this connection where every minute with him is sensual and comfortable. He’s been fucking my ass more and even that is getting better and better (or easier is maybe a better way of saying it – it was always good with him, but I would get nervous and worry it wouldn’t be good. Now I’m not nervous). My favorite part with YG is that we can chat after sex and that is as good as the sex. He’s funny and recognizes his white male privilege and never panders. It’s hot.

Finally…yesterday, the 23 (now 24) year old guy I had met back in April messaged.  I’d seen him once since the first time and the sex was really good. So he’s improving and moving up the list n terms of my enjoyment. So I invited him over. And again, the sex was great. He’s really coming around to understanding my body, though when he tried to fuck my ass, that was a hard pass on my part (his dick is pretty huge and he doesn’t take things slowly).

So now…I’m tried to decide if I invite this guy over I’ve been messaging forever. And I kinda feel sexed out for a bit. Shocking. But I do. But I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Why are some people so worried about what others do sexually?

I’ve never really understood what the point of insulting people about the sexual choices is. I understand the romanticism of having one partner for life. I also (obviously) understand that there is something really fascinating about sex with different people and what insights I gain into vulnerability and trust and comfort and boundaries through that.

But obviously what I do bothers some people. No one who should care, of course. It surprises me when I get the nasty comments on the blog (which I don’t publish. For those who just want attention from being nasty, they’ll have to seek it elsewhere). It’s obviously easier to not read my blog than it is to read it and even easier not to comment than it is to comment.

Just another fascinating aspect of the power of female sexuality…it can cause strangers to make effort to try to hurt me simply because I have fantastic sex with different people (who I am completely up front with). I have to admit that reminds me that sex IS political and breaking down expectations by simply doing something that I enjoy is weirdly necessary.

4 guys in 3 days (well, 2 dates, and 2 FWBs)

I was on vacation for a bit and before that, I had been feeling sort of low libido. But the trip was nice and relaxing and I came back feeling very jetlagged, but also ready to start exploring again.

On Monday, the guy I had met before my vacation was messaging. I guess he gets a nickname now…I guess I’ll call him Kinky Guy.  I was still super jetlagged and couldn’t imagine trying to role play or something. So I put him off even though he had been pretty fun. And then Yummy Guy texted on Wednesday and was eager to see me. I was still feeling jetlagged and crappy, so I actually put him off until Thursday.  And that’s when the fun started.

As always, Yummy Guy was perfect. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just always so satisfying to see him. Yes, the sex is always great. But there’s just something about him that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He’s just a good guy and the conversation is always so nice. I feel like the last couple times I’ve seen him it’s been even more intense since we had a couple months of not seeing each other while he was apparently dating someone. We kiss more. Get naked even faster than before. Sex is even more physical…it’s so fun.

With that out of my system, I met a new guy on Friday for drinks. I still felt like crap, but I wanted to meet him as he looked really attractive and seemed really intelligent. And he was. He was in fantastic fantastic shape and was clearly super smart. I was (still) jetlagged and he had a wedding to go to in the morning, so we kept it to drinks, but he said he wants to see me again. And I will see him. I can’t tell what the physical chemistry will be like, but he’s different than other guys I’ve met, so I’m curious to explore it.

Saturday I had a few errands (hair appt, etc), but was texting this guy I had been talking to off and on forever. He’d been low key on my radar as he looked cute, but I thought he was German because he had talked about moving to Chicago from Frankfurt…and nothing against Germans, but I’ve had such weird experiences with men from Europe and misogyny, that I sort of kept finding other guys I wanted to meet (obv plenty of American men have a misogyny problem, but I’m just tired of it all).  But then, our schedules aligned to grab an afternoon beer yesterday after my hair. I walked in and he was cuter than I expected and he had no accent. So it turns out he isn’t German – he just lived there for 5 years. I couldn’t tell if he was interested. He sort of abruptly asked for the bill (tho he said he had to meet a friend, but who knows). But then he said something about me looking sexy in my rain boots and asked for my number…and he proceeded to send some texts letting me know he was most definitely interested. So I suppose we’ll get together again sometime.

When I got home and was walking my dogs, Kinky Guy messaged again and asked what I was up to. So he ended up coming over and asked if we could role play that he was the dog walker who walked in on me playing with myself. And…the sex was really really hot. He had toys out and we tried a lot of positions, a lot of everything. I think he fucked me for about 80 minutes straight before he came. He and I are supposed to meet another couple for drinks (and possibly more) tomorrow. He’s definitely going to be a fun and adventurous FWB. Not sure he’ll take the title of favorite from Yummy Guy, but I feel really lucky to have them both as options at the moment.

What a week…bad, good, and excellent

If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience.  One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.

Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it.  Problem is, it didn’t go so well.  He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.

This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past.  I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do.  He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying.  Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).

By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate.  So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him.  We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms.  And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…

Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy.  I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done.  But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to).  An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me.  And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.

A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…

“Dress Like A Normal Person”: The Weapons of Fragile Masculinity

Great great blog post on fragile masculinity

Bitter Gertrude

“Egyensúly” by Nándor Bárány, 1936

Krista Knight is a young playwright well-known and well-loved in the new plays community. She’s well-loved both for her work (her plays have been produced all over the country) and for her personality, which is supportive, generous, and kind. If you scroll through her Instagram (@playtrixx), you’ll see her promoting the work of other writers as often as her own. You’ll also see pictures of her unique, fabulous look– pink hair, flamboyant outfits, wide, happy grin. Everyone who knows Krista loves Krista.

So it shocked the many people who know her when she received this email from fellow playwright Tommy Smith:

Almost simultaneously, another man– this one an attorney– publicly berated two women at a deli in midtown Manhattan for speaking Spanish during a transaction because “this is America.” In addition to his obvious racism and his less-obvious wild hypocrisy (his own legal practice…

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I guess sometimes last minute cancellations are legitimate

A couple weeks ago, when I was in the midst of 17 cancellations or ghosts in a row, I had been chatting with a guy who seemed super nice…but the day came for us to meet and get messaged me with a weird medical issue. I thought he either was telling the truth and felt terrible, or he wasn’t and just used it as an excuse.

I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks, so I forgot about him, but a little over a week ago, he got back in touch, apologizing that he was changing jobs and he had forgotten to message. Legitimate, though annoying.

So, after some persuading, I agreed to meet Friday.  Well, Friday came and I was exhausted, so I decided to just tell him he could come over and have a drink if he wanted. So he showed up and definitely looked young. But in talking to him, he seemed very intelligent and confident. So when he eventually kissed me, I went along with it.

I can’t say the chemistry was amazing. But the sex was pretty good. Nothing amazing, but he also had an amazing dick and I enjoyed him. And he definitely had fun. I am confident of that (the messaging on his way home was a good clue).

I don’t know if I’ll try to make something happen with him again or not. I probably would respond positively if he asked me to get together again…but I don’t know if I’ll reach out.

Of course, not all cancellations are legit. I was also giving someone who had cancelled on me once a second chance on Saturday and….crickets.

The downsides of FWBs

One of the downsides of my approach is that often people want more. Or at least want to explore more. For men I’m truly fond of, I am disappointed when that time comes, but I want what will make them happy and I wish them well.

Well, it seems that time has come with Yummy Guy 😦 We messaged yesterday and he’s met someone and wants to see where it goes. In his wonderful way, he was, of course extremely transparent, nice, respectful, and complimentary of me as we were talking about it. Telling me our sex is some of the best he’s ever had (he mentioned this more than once).

I know he’s only been seeing this other woman for 3-4 weeks, so this may not be the end of Yummy Guy as a FWB. He never seemed interested in relationships that were permanent and he sounds like a person happier single than coupled…but you never know. He’s 30. And he’s attractive and successful and nice. At times I wondered if I wanted more from him, but I really didn’t. I wanted what we had. It was perfect. But now I have to say goodbye to it. I can hope that he returns, but can’t expect it.

I did have a date last night with another new guy. He was clearly successful and a really good guy and he was definitely into me. So we’re going to do something tomorrow before he leaves town. He did’t kiss me, so I’m curious about the physical side. But I can see where it goes.

But sigh. Yummy Guy was one I didn’t want to say goodbye to.

It was almost romantic

I’ve had terrible luck lately with being canceled and ghosted on before meeting…so haven’t had much to write. I did meet a hot 23 yr old on Wednesday who had a beautifully huge dick, and that was fun, but really, I don’t even know what to say about it. Guy was super hot. He seemed mature-ish for his age. Everything about him was beautiful. Sex was good to very good. I don’t know (nor do I really care) if I’ll see him again.

But yesterday I met a guy for brunch, who I’ll call “Tall Guy”, because, well, he’s tall. So we met around noon at a place that has bottomless mimosas. And we just talked for about 4 hours. At first I wasn’t sure if he was interested. He was clearly intelligent and has standards and he wasn’t overly flirty. Then I realized he was kind of a dork. Despite having a very nice face and good job…he’s a nerd. Which is totally fine with me. But it does change the dynamic in terms of how flirty a guy usually is if he’s a nerd.

He finally had to leave because he had to code something or other for the next day and it wasn’t what he usually did or something that I don’t fully understand. So we walked towards his place (which was on the way to mine), and when we got to his corner, he hugged me.  Then… we kissed. For awhile. It was the middle of the day on a busy street and we just stood there kissing. It’s been awhile since I did that. And there is something about it that is kinda romantic and sweet. And the kissing was great. In fact, when it ended, he just said “wow. I guess now I have to walk to my place with an erection.” (I’ve had a few guys who I *just* kiss tell me what a great kisser I am. Always nice to hear because there is less feedback for kissing usually, so it’s harder to adjust).

Tall Guy sent me a few more messages yesterday about how much he enjoyed meeting me and wished he wasn’t working. Which was, of course, sweet. And hopefully that means that I’ll see him again. He is traveling some this week/weekend, so it will be another week…and I do like anticipation. So, we’ll see. He’s the type of guy I would enjoy (if the sex is good) as an ongoing FWB bc he’s actually really smart and engaging.