After the 3some on Tuesday, I reached out to Trump Hat Guy to see if he’s still interested in an MMF with hot bi guy at some point. He wanted to hear all about the 3some and asked if I would let him be my main guy while I continued to sleep with other guys. I kind of hesitated…I’m not looking for a relationship after all…and asked if the thought of me “cheating” on him was exciting to him. He said that was exactly right. My response was that I was open, but we need to do a better job about being honest with each other. I’m not into being jerked around. So we made plans to see each other last night…
I had mixed feelings most of the day – excitement about hanging out with him for more than an hour, but kind of keeping my expectations in check in case he flaked on me again. And when he didn’t respond to my email about whether we were still on for a few hours, that was only magnified.
Finally he started responding – that he was still at work (I got out early) and was hoping to leave soon. He didn’t end up leaving until 6 or so, and came straight to my place. And it was just a really nice night. We ordered food, had sex on my couch, cuddled…he talked to me about some of the not so great parts of his family life and career. And also how he knows he’s terrible at communication and it has screwed up all his relationships and he really is trying harder with me than he ever does.
And then he stayed over. For me, the most intimate thing I can do with a person is sleep with them. I almost never do it and it’s not unusual for me to start having a panic-type attack about sleeping over. But with him, I just fell asleep…it was the two of us, my two dogs, and at least 2 of my cats in bed. It was cramped and I was completely relaxed.
When I woke up, I walked my dogs and came back and woke him up and we talked a bit. Then I made us breakfast before I had to head to puppy training class…
So it was the most relationship-y night I’ve had in years. There is this thing between us that I wish wasn’t there, but is. My pets flock to him when he arrives and I feel like he listens to me and kind of gets me. The age difference, the political (HUGE) differences (although he is socially liberal), and the frustrations about his shitty communication skills all kind of go away when we’re hanging out. At some point this is going to turn into a thing. Whether it does soon or if we’re still months away, I don’t know. But we seem to just be drawn to each other. And I love it and also hate it. I hate that the first guy I’ve had feelings for in years voted for Trump. I hate that I can’t even imagine telling most people I know about him – a little due to age, but mostly the politics. I hate that he’s so predictably bad at communication that he leaves me on edge. But I also really enjoy the feelings of butterflies around him. The relaxation. The comfort. That I can disagree with him on politics or talk to him about my activism and he wants to hear about it. And that he seems to know when he has to back off the teasing about politics and respect that I feel strongly and he needs to STFU.
The universe has a sick sense of humor.
I recognize there is some risk inherent in how I approach things. I meet someone out, sometimes even let them come directly to my place, and I end up alone with them. If someone was charming enough and my radar down enough, it could be a problem. That’s just how it is. But I also figure that I’m hyper-attuned to anything that seems off. And even if a guy was a friend of a friend (or even a close friend!), he could be a rapist.But one small thing I do is that I use kik to message to exchange face pics and any other pics. Kik, for those who might not know, is a messaging app. It works just like text messaging, but you have a username you pick, so there is no exchange of more information than whatever you share to exchange.
I started this after one guy wouldn’t take no for an answer from texting and he kept texting me. And then when I blocked him on my phone, he started messaging me through the dating app. Then when I blocked him there, he got a new number and started texting me. All we had done was exchange 3-4 messages. And he gave me a creepy vibe and I said I wasn’t interested.
I figure if he had wanted to (and maybe he did), he probably could have found out a whole lot more about me with my number and $20 or $50. I don’t want to deal with that stress, so I use kik.
About 85% of men who contact me have a kik account. That’s lovely. About 10% of those who don’t are willing to set one up when I say I don’t exchange #s for safety reasons. And then there are the 5% who would rather not talk more than set up an account because they value having fewer apps in their life. Mind you, they are often quick to suggest I jump through email hoops to set up a throwaway account. But they won’t set up the app.
I don’t meet these men. If you can’t appreciate that I minimize risk where I can and understand why I do that, you probably suck as a partner. Interestingly, most of these men are roughly 38-50. “My” age range.
Millennials get a bad rap. But they seriously are so much more respectful of consent and safety concerns than Gen X as a whole.
(anyway, just was starting to message someone who refused to use kik and didn’t respect my boundaries. Good riddance)
The thing about having a dating profile indicating that one is open to casual sex is that one gets a lot of messages. Or at least I do. So I respond to those that seem to interest me. And sometimes the people I’m messaging with end up annoying me, pissing me off, or boring me before we meet.
Sometimes I have the energy to tell them “sorry, I’m not interested.” Sometimes I don’t. But if I haven’t met someone, I don’t feel like I “owe” them a break up. Just like you wouldn’t break up with someone in a bar who you exchanged a couple sentences with. Or even had a conversation with.
But guys just keep coming back. Even some who “end” things with me because I’m not available enough. Today, for instance…one guy who told me last week that I didn’t seem interested enough (I really wasn’t that interested) decided that he was going to start messaging again. And another guy who I told months ago that I wasn’t interested texted to tell me he was thinking about me.
Why? Why are you thinking about me? Because I told a sarcastic joke and you thought of it? We never even met.
The thing is, most men don’t get as many messages as I get. So I guess some men elevate me to being something to them that they aren’t to me.
It really is true that men will chase you if you don’t care. Or at least some men will. And it’s dumb.
Said to me in a message from a guy who hoped, I guess, to win me over by whining about how hard it is for him to get laid. He’s recently separated (or claims to be) and also told me how successful and wealthy he is as part of his “I’m such a catch” thing. And this was a very despondent “You’re so lucky…” Not jokey. Not teasing. Not even really envious about a specific area. It came across more like “You’re so lucky in life that you can have casual sex if you want it.”
Sure, getting laid pretty easily if one is a reasonably attractive woman open to casual sex . But the whiny “no one will have sex with me and I have an amazing dick” woe-is-me is not only unattractive (If I had to pity fuck every guy who wanted to get laid and hadn’t been laid recently enough in his opinion, I’d never stop fucking…I don’t pity fuck and I can’t imagine many women do), but come-the-fuck-on. You’re a white, successful, able-bodied guy with, by your own description, plenty of money. Maybe I’m slightly ahead of you in the ease by which I can pull dick vs. your ability to pull pussy (though I doubt I’d be pulling much dick if I was that whiny and looking for pity fucks), but to just bemoan this one thing women can more easily land than men? If this guy had any chance at even meeting me, and he didn’t, he lost that chance by that “I want EVERYTHING in life to go exactly my way and it’s unfair if it doesn’t” attitude.
This got me thinking…how much of the republican war on easy access to contraception is about this attitude among men? That the one thing women can more easily get than men is casual sex. But they won’t go for it if they are punished with STD/Is and pregnancy.
Now, I don’t want this to be a whine/rant about my own life. I’m extremely lucky. Successful, well-educated, good friends, great life…but I’ve had to deal with being raped, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed (many times) in the work place, and when I go out with a guy, I think about the likelihood that I might end up raped (again) or dead. I doubt this guy would be thinking about that if he had pussy potentially waiting for him. And it is far less likely (though I admit it is possible) that he has been raped, sexually assaulted, or sexually harassed at work. So I don’t want to hear about how lucky I am as a woman because of this thing I have an edge at.
One of the kind of surprising benefits of this dating with no intention of finding anything serious thing…I’ve learned to accept rejection. I remember that I used to feel, well, so rejected when I was rejected. I’d kick myself for being too fat, too dorky, not pretty enough, not cool enough…whatever. It was always something *wrong* with me.
But the thing is, when you have a somewhat discreet profile image up and have to reveal your face later to prospective daters, you have to get over the fear of direct-ish rejection. Some guys never message back. Some message back saying you’re not their type…And others are wicked excited about the pictures. In other words, not everyone (even me, no surprise) is everyone’s type.
We all obviously know this. Have a silly conversation with friends and you realize that agreement on celebrity hotness is rarely even possible. Why should mere mortals be any different. But yet, at least as a woman, I’ve spent most of my life feeling like something was wrong with me if I was rejected.
Just like the physical, there are also people I click with and people I don’t. I can’t always say why. Sure, sometimes there is something tangible. But often, it’s just about the rhythm of conversation. And if I’m finding that, why wouldn’t the same be true on the other side of things?
All this is logical, of course. And I’m sure I knew this for some time. But it wasn’t until I went through the sometimes day in/day out rejection cycle (look, a woman saying she is open to casual sex gets A LOT of messages on a dating site) that I really got it. And sometimes rejection has nothing to do with me! I’ve had guys seemingly blow me off just to message a month or more later saying they were in a bad place and sorry they dropped the ball.
I just wish I could impart this wisdom to a younger me. It would have really saved so much time and energy second-guessing myself.