Being a responsible rejector

A little over a year ago, I was being fucked doggy style and was bored out of my mind. And I realized I was only there because it had been easier to go along with the guy suggesting we go back to my place than it had been to say no. There was nothing wrong with him. And he was nice. And respectful. And I even had an orgasm when he ate me out. But I wasn’t into it.

So I vowed then not to do that again. Don’t get me wrong, I had rejected guys before. But I had also had sex when I was horny and a decent guy was there willing to fuck me. And I realized that there is a difference for me between sex I want to have and sex I don’t want to have, even when everything on the surface seems the same (it’s casual, I don’t have deep feelings, I don’t care if I see them again…)

So last night I went and met a guy for a drink nearby. I walked in and he looked like his pics…but skinnier. Not a big deal, but he was a little too skinny. But then I got close and he smelled like…an old baseball hat. Now he did have a full beard. I don’t know if that was it? Or just not showering that day? Or what. But he smelled. And I knew then we wouldn’t be naked. But I ordered a drink (which he insisted on paying for and then talked about how poor he is…geez dude, I could have bought my own drink. I don’t think he did it to make me feel guilty, but b/c he just didn’t get that maybe that puts me in a really awkward position).

And we talked. And he was fidgity.  And he indicated he was willing to leave whenever I was. But I didn’t want to reject him just as I started my drink b/c then why did I order it? (Or that’s how I felt). So I waited until the end of the drink and told him I wasn’t feeling it.

And he asks why. And I just said it had nothing to do with him (the dirty smell didn’t help, but we wouldn’t have been fucking anyway) and just that it wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t comfortable enough. And although he’s a nice guy, he keeps trying to insist it would be fun. Like…he knew intellectually I could say no. But didn’t actually accept I could say no. Which isn’t attractive. And is annoying. And is really fucking annoying that even the good guys think “But I think we’d have a lot of fun” and “I was looking forward to this” are reasons for me to change my mind.

So I have no regrets with rejecting him. I hate that I felt bad about it. And I hate that guys are so horrible at accepting rejection. Even the decent ones.

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Just not feeling it

One of the promises I’ve made to myself and have mentioned before that I’m not going to worry about my “number” as long as, among other things like being safe, I’m having sex I really want to be having. Now, how I define this is up to me, of course. But it definitely involves being in the moment with the person, being excited, not being bored…

So yesterday I met a guy who had seemed like maybe he could break my recent streak of just not being interested in guys older than 31/32. He was 38, but seemed to be really open sexually, good attitude, active, etc.  He did send me one naked pic of his entire body. I noticed he didn’t look fully hard, but whatever. He said he had taken it that morning and I figured he might not have been and that’s fine.  He did appear to have a nice body.

So we agree to meet in the late morning at a park near his place.  He was going to a music fest later that day,  and I get up early, so timing was fine for me.  He said to meet him by the tennis courts…well, I get to the park and wander around awhile and message him that I have no idea where to go for the tennis courts. He asks where I am – I said I was in the prairie grass section – and he says he’ll come find me.  I’m standing there in this kind of hidden area, and he comes walking up, says my name, doesn’t really smile (more on this later), and when we kind of do the greeting kiss cheek/hug, he starts making out with me. I kind of like the confidence and he is a good kisser, so I went with it. Pretty soon, we’re groping and stuff and the kissing is still very good. I kind of notice he doesn’t seem to be hard, but we are in a public-ish place and maybe he’s shy.  We decide to go back to his place and the walk there (only a few blocks) is a little awkward. First, I really dislike his voice. Second, he still won’t smile at all. I guess I like some smiling.  But the kissing was good, so, I’ll see how it goes.  We go into his apartment and it’s kind of messy, but that’s fine. I’m not too tidy. And he makes me take off my shoes. Um…that’s totally fine, I don’t mind, but his place is NOT the kind of apartment where one has to take off shoes. And he puts on shower shoes.  Oh, I should also mention that when he met me in the park, he had no shirt on. Which is fine. And while he has a nice body, it’s nice. It’s not “oh my, new guy  is moving into the neighborhood and I want to sit and watch him move” nice. But he’s clearly very very proud of it.

So we’re making out, naked by this point. And he’s still only partly hard. Maybe and that’s being generous. I go down on him awhile and still almost nothing is happening. Like, I’m understanding of erectile issues. It happens. Not a big deal, but here’s the thing…*most* guys who are in that moment take it to try to at least make me happy. Nope. He sort of acts like my pussy is kryptonite. He looks at it. Seems to like it and makes happy sounds (oh,. he barely spoke, which is just as well b/c I don’t like his voice). But not a finger, let alone a mouth, to be had doing anything to it.  He gets up to go to the bathroom and I’m thinking I’m super bored. I figure I’ll give it a chance when he comes back – maybe he really really had to pee and that somehow was interfering with him getting hard (what do I know about that?)
But he comes back and he’s still acting like I don’t even have a pussy and wants me to go down on him again. At this point, I’m like totally checked out. So I just said “You know, I’m not really feeling this to be honest.” Of course he agrees, b/c they always do once it comes up (and maybe he wasn’t either…) and he keeps kissing me. I’m like, “dude, the ‘i’m not feeling it’ isn’t ‘we should make out more'”. So I get up and get dressed and he kisses me more. I’m confused. But I leave, look at my phone, and I have messages from 4 guys. I did hope to see one of the many suitors yesterday, but timing just didn’t work out.

This was my first time calling off hooking up in the middle of things just b/c no chemistry. It was a big mental hurdle and I’m glad I cleared it.  Of course, I wish there had been chemistry. But there isn’t always.  But damn…I am feeling like I could use some good sex soon. At the moment, I have up to 5 dates for this coming week (but will have my period, so we’ll see how those go),  so hopefully this not so great sex drought will end soon.

Yay for good sex decisions…

Ok, first off, I don’t ever regret sex I choose to have.  Even when it isn’t good.  Even when maybe I wasn’t that into it.  Regretting sex would be like…regretting that I ate the cookie that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be.  Not really something worth focusing energy on.

BUT, a little while ago I posted this.  And I’ve been thinking about the “go with the flow” type sex.  And I’ve done that. Not in the “I don’t want to offend this guy by saying no when I really want to say no” type way.  But more…”this is awkward and not that sexy.  Will it get better? It’s not getting better.  Do I call it or just see if more effort makes it better?” type sex.  And, you know, it almost never gets better if it’s awkward.  Sex can get better from “good”. It doesn’t get better from flat out awkward. At least not in my experience.  I’m starting to pick up on signs that it will be the awkward sex.  And one commonality seems to be, for me, that I start chatting with someone, enjoy him “enough” by chat, and then agree to plans that day/evening because we both happen to have it free and I’m horny.

Yesterday I found myself doing this.  I’d exchanged a message or two with the guy the night before.  But mostly was messaging yesterday. And he was interesting enough.  I suggested meeting by his place (it was on my way home) for a drink.  He suggested a walk.  I don’t *need* a drink. But I do find walks, often, are awkward.  I asked if he had condoms if we decided to take things back to his place.  He didn’t.  And that’s when the lightbulb went off…this guy isn’t used to this kind of thing.  He might be a great guy. But he’s not used to sex with a virtual stranger.  And while nothing about the guy seemed creepy…I felt like “been there, done this. There is almost 0% chance that this ends in good sex.  It’s rushed. It’s awkward. And it’s with someone who doesn’t know the basics of casual sex…like, having condoms on hand” (I usually have condoms somewhere in my bag. Didn’t yesterday).

So, I cancelled.  And he was confused and obviously annoyed (though, seriously, I cancelled within about an hour of saying I’d meet. I don’t buy the reasoning that you moved things around for me. And even if you did, I wasn’t comfortable. So that’s enough).  He wasn’t a jerk. Just didn’t understand.  I tried to explain and he accepted it. But still made his annoyance clear.  I did say maybe we could meet during the day on Saturday. We’ll see.  I don’t know.  I didn’t like that he wasn’t more understanding of my cancellation.  If a guy cancels on me, I never guilt trip him.  If he doesn’t enthusiastically want to have sex with me, then that’s enough reason to not push things.

So I texted a guy I’ve seen a couple times before.  He needs a nickname. I’ll call him the Baseball Player b/c he’s in some kind of fairly serious, but not pro, league.  Baseball Player immediately texted back.  He was getting off work at 7.  Could come over…and we had awesome sex. Our sex is rather vanilla in many respects, but we do have awesome chemistry and I like how his body works.  Sex with him is reliably amazing.  And it was comfortable. And easy. And enjoyable..

So I’m happy I took a step back from the first guy. It’s not easy to say “no, I don’t want this” when it’s not a strong “no”, but more of a “I’m not that excited about this” no.  But it’s good to do it.

 

 

When You Want to Go Home to Play with Your Pussy Rather Than Continue Talking to Your Date…

This one is far less sexual than the title implies…I really did want to go home and play with my pussy…my new foster kitten that is.  She’s adorable.

Last night’s date with a new guy was kind of…boring.  I don’t know why. He looked like his photos, though his photos had given off a rugged manliness that wasn’t present in person.  He had interesting experiences in life.  He asked questions.  But I just couldn’t get into talking to him.  And I’m not sure if it was because he was lacking or that my new foster kitten is so freaking cute.  Either way, he lost out. I nursed my drink and then said I was tired (which I was) and headed home.  If I was in a different mood, maybe he would have been given more of a chance. But I wasn’t.  And the chemistry wasn’t there, I didn’t need to pretend it was, and I didn’t really feel like we needed to be friends (he had said he was open to just friendships too).

One thing I’m working on his really being in touch with the fact I truly have no obligation when I meet someone. I think this is difficult for all of us. We want to please. We want to be accepted.  But it has lead me to have sex with a couple/few guys that…meh. I mean, I don’t regret it. But I can’t say I really wanted it.  And sometimes it really is better to just call it a night and go home to play with my pussy…either one. (but not both at the same time. Ugh. No way)