The Frustration of Being Told by Feminists that I don’t Really Control My Own Sex Choices

Today I was told that prostitution and porn aren’t sex and women can’t consent to them by a friend who is a feminist.

And, while I absolutely understand the concerns about sex trafficking and always elevate those from a policy perspective above all else, I refuse to accept that I couldn’t go out and charge money to have sex with me. I mean, I’ve had sex that was less exciting than other sex. And I’ve had sex that wasn’t what I expected it to be. And I’ve had boring sex. And I’ve had sex to get out of an awkward situation.  All of those were my choice. I have been raped. I know the difference. There is an enormous difference between being mid-fuck and thinking “I would much rather be sleeping right now, but I’ll power through it” and doing what has to be done to stay alive. So, if I wanted to have boring sex and get paid for it, eh…that’s my choice. I have options in life.

But yet…I frequently encounter women I admire, smart women, capable women, women who are well-educated, etc who are around my age…who give me parameters that have to be met for sex to be valid. For sex to be something that isn’t about the patriarchy. Some things I agree with – like consent – but others, like a loving environment….not so much. I’ve had in-love sex. It’s fantastic. I have also had raunch, kinky, not-remotely-in-love sex with men who I don’t even for sure know their names…and that’s also fantastic. But different.

If you did away with the patriarchy and religion, there would be zero reason why we’d raise an eyebrow at any adult’s safe sexual choices, whether or not money was involved, as long as everyone involved was able to and did consent. Yet those trying to smash the patriarchy often perpetuate it by saying there is a right and a wrong way to have sex.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a shit on feminists post. It is more a post about what many feminists unquestionably accept – that only men control sex outside of a loving relationship.  And in doing that, women like me are infantilized. And that has scary implications.

 

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