Maybe I’m Starting to Find a Rhythm…

Dating for FWBs is harder than it sounds. Obviously there are a lot of interested men…mention sex with few expectations and they tend to get interested.  But chemistry and compatibility aren’t the easiest to find. Throw in availability and it becomes even more difficult.  So I have been having more first time sex than my ideal situation would be.

But I have my fingers crossed that’s starting to change.  Before I started this blog, I had gone out with a guy who I’ll call the Sailor.  The Sailor was super interesting and had spent about a decade living on a boat and sailing the world. He wasn’t a privileged rich kid.  He just did what he wanted.  We had a perfect day together…he planned a picnic, which lead to kissing under a tree, which lead to not knowing if I could wait to get home (just a mile away) before I was naked with him.  We had great great chemistry. And then…things just didn’t line up.

He emailed this morning and asked if I might be available tonight. He got off work at 8 and wanted to see me.  I was available (well, it meant cancelling tentative plans with someone I was only mildly interested in), but would be coming from a new tattoo…and being bandaged up isn’t the sexiest.  He didn’t care.  So…finally.

My first reaction when he arrived was “crap, he’s grown a goatee”. I HATE goatees. But once he started kissing me, I realized the chemistry was still there.  And he does have excellent fingers 🙂 My only complaint about him is that he isn’t as kinky as I ideally like a guy to be, but he’s plenty sensual and that definitely is wonderful. And he definitely did not seem to be remotely turned off by all the bandages on my leg from the tattoo.

Tomorrow I may see the original Superman from this blog (and if not tomorrow, we talked about next Sunday).  And Monday, if all lines up, I get to see Sexy Geek Guy as I should be in his city for work.


Casual sex and expectations…

It’s admittedly difficult to know where the line is with expectations and casual sex.  I mean, the purpose of not having a relationship (in part) is to avoid expectations.  But I think things get too casual when there are no expectations and/or minimal expectations are totally ignored.

I was thinking about the question this week “what is too casual?” (this relates into the expectation thing and is something I will probably blog about later).  But the issue presented itself this morning when I got a message from a guy I was supposed to meet a couple weeks ago…who completely flaked on the day we were supposed to meet.  We had a time and place (luckily it was my place, so I wasn’t doing the sad girl sit and wait).  He had seemed normal. Was close to my age (so I assumed some level of maturity). But the time/date came and went…nothing. I even sent a message later that day asking what happened. Nicely. Nothing. So I wrote him off.

This morning I woke up to a message from him “Hi there”.  I assumed a drunken message. He was horny.  Who knows.  Since I didn’t answer it at midnight, a 7 am answer probably would be ignored. But I was/am curious about this making plans and failing to show up phenomenon. So I responded that I didn’t expect to hear from him again.  He actually responded with “I’m sorry I did flake, completely my fault…”  So I asked him why he didn’t just cancel.  His response? “No. I’m sorry, I should have done that and I apologize.”

So I don’t know what to do. Do I forgive missteps in the expectation field? Do I just say “fuck it, this is already too hard?” Do I explain my expectations? I think one should be considerate when it comes to casual sex…recognize that there is some level of expectation, even with no expectations, and treat people like humans.  But how do you explain that? If I have to explain it, is that when I know it’s pointless to even try with a person?

I’m not really that worried about this one guy. It’s more something that is part of the casual sex world.  What are appropriate expectations and how to communicate them?

“You’re so lucky…”

Said to me in a message from a guy who hoped, I guess, to win me over by whining about how hard it is for him to get laid.  He’s recently separated (or claims to be) and also told me how successful and wealthy he is as part of his “I’m such a catch” thing.  And this was a very despondent “You’re so lucky…” Not jokey. Not teasing. Not even really envious about a specific area. It came across more like “You’re so lucky in life that you can have casual sex if you want it.”

Sure, getting laid pretty easily if one is a reasonably attractive woman open to casual sex .  But the whiny “no one will have sex with me and I have an amazing dick” woe-is-me is not only unattractive (If I had to pity fuck every guy who wanted to get laid and hadn’t been laid recently enough in his opinion, I’d never stop fucking…I don’t pity fuck and I can’t imagine many women do), but come-the-fuck-on.  You’re a white, successful, able-bodied guy with, by your own description, plenty of money.  Maybe I’m slightly ahead of you in the ease by which I can pull dick vs. your ability to pull pussy (though I doubt I’d be pulling much dick if I was that whiny and looking for pity fucks), but to just bemoan this one thing women can more easily land than men? If this guy had any chance at even meeting me, and he didn’t, he lost that chance by that “I want EVERYTHING in life to go exactly my way and it’s unfair if it doesn’t” attitude.

This got me thinking…how much of the republican war on easy access to contraception is about this attitude among men? That the one thing women can more easily get than men is casual sex. But they won’t go for it if they are punished with STD/Is and pregnancy.

Now, I don’t want this to be a whine/rant about my own life. I’m extremely lucky. Successful, well-educated, good friends, great life…but I’ve had to deal with being raped, sexually assaulted, sexually harassed (many times) in the work place, and when I go out with a guy, I think about the likelihood that I might end up raped (again) or dead. I doubt this guy would be thinking about that if he had pussy potentially waiting for him.  And it is far less likely (though I admit it is possible) that he has been raped, sexually assaulted, or sexually harassed at work. So I don’t want to hear about how lucky I am as a woman because of this thing I have an edge at.

Trying New Things…

One attitude I have tried to have over the past year is to just be open to new sexual experiences.  As long as they seem safe and I feel I can shut things down at any time, I feel like there is nothing wrong with trying things because I may find things that I never thought I’d like, which I do like.  Certainly that has worked well for me for casual sex.  Two years ago, I wouldn’t have thought it could work so well for me and leave me actually fulfilled, but it’s been lots of fun.  And I am, admittedly, someone who works really hard and doesn’t find a lot of time for “irresponsible” fun.  So this attitude led to last night’s experience…

Thanks to the record-breaking snow storm hitting a huge part of the US over the last few days, lots of travel was cancelled, travelers were re-routed, people ended up stuck…and that’s how I ended up at home (I was supposed to be in an area hit by the storm for the weekend) and Sexy Geek Guy (from Thanksgiving) ended up in my city.  I got a text from him Friday saying that he would be in my city for the weekend, staying with his sister, but he’d love to see me if I had time.  So, of course I made time.  It required cancelling a date with a new guy (that I was looking forward to, but still figured it only had a 50% chance of happening) and moving forward dinner with my ex a bit (my ex is a good friend, though we have a tumultuous friendship at times – the reason we didn’t work out as a couple…we can’t do conflict…at all…but we are legitimate friends).

So yesterday mid-day, I got a text from SGG asking if I’d want to check out one of the sex clubs in the area.  This is something we’d talked about previously – he’s been to several sex clubs in various glamorous cities in the world and it’s something he enjoys.  I have never been to a sex club, but have to admit that I’ve been curious about the underground scene.  So, despite feeling like “oh crap…now shit is getting real” about agreeing to actually go, I said that it might be fun and I was up for it.  Now, to be clear, SGG didn’t pressure me at all.  Indeed, when I told him I was nervous, he reassured me that there was zero pressure – that worst case, we go there and end up leaving because it’s weird.  One thing I really like about SGG is that he has the demeanor of truly the nicest guy ever…the guy respects women and is thoroughly non-threatening…but that doesn’t make the sex any less hot.

So he suggested I call about getting us the reservations since the website said you had to be there by 9:30 if it was your first time visiting, but between his family stuff and my dinner plans, we wouldn’t be there until 10 at the earliest.  He said that I’d have more luck getting an exception to the policy than he would (benefits of being female I guess).  So I sucked it up and called.  I don’t even like making dinner reservations…but the call wasn’t much more salacious than making dinner reservations and we had our names down.

SGG came over and we grabbed a zip car to head to the club, which was about a 45 minute drive away. It was a completely non-descript, residential looking place from the road. But there was a gravel parking lot out back that was clearly pretty full.  We found our way into the club through a door that was not marked at all, paid, and then we were taken on a tour by the friendliest woman ever.  When we first walked in, there was a bar area – they had no bartender, but you could bring whatever alcohol you wanted and the club provided some mixers.  The bar area and dance floor was pretty big – kind of the size of a normal bar with a dance floor. And people were basically hanging out as if it was a bar.  Just a bunch of couples and chit chat. Some people were playing pool.  It reminded me of a townie bar I used to sometimes go to in college…I can’t say the clientele was attractive. For awhile, I thought SGG and I were, by far, the hottest couple in the place. But after awhile, I saw 2 other couples that were probably similar to us.  And I don’t mean to be a jerk about it…it is what it is. And there was something kind of cool about all these different people just being sooooo relaxed about being at a sex club. SGG said all the fancy ones he’s been to, there is a level of artifice at play. And this had NONE of that.

So, the friendly tour woman then took us around.  The building was like a house that had been haphazardly and randomly added on in weird ways.  There were lofts (kind of like college dorm lofts), some private rooms where doors locked, some rooms with just beds lined up next to each other, black lights with glowing stars, zebra sheets…it was completely and utterly tacky.  She showed us where clean sheets were kept if we needed to change sheets if we got to a bed.  Explained that if you’re in an open access room, people will watch…and as we were walking around, there was one couple having sex in a bed in an open room and another couple was standing at the end of the bed just watching.

SGG and I went back to the bar area where a raffle was held a little after 11. I think the main prize was winning half-price admission for the next visit.  Some numbers very closer to ours were called, but we didn’t win anything…which was fine.  And within 10 minutes of the raffle, I’d say the room was half empty. People were staking out their places.  SGG hung out talking awhile.  He has the best attitude and, even though this was not remotely one of the high class, crazy clubs he has been to before, he thought it was great. And the thing about him, he makes me feel comfortable.  Like I can say at any point in time, I’m not into this and he wouldn’t even be disappointed. He checked in several times to make sure I felt ok…and I did. I mean, I can’t say this was a sexy environment. But it was a different experience, for sure. And I really enjoy hanging out with SGG…

So, we eventually decided to wander around.  There were a lot more people watching people have sex, than people having sex, and it was kind of dark, so everything seemed relatively anonymous.  SGG asked if I’d be open to finding a spot and I found myself agreeing…he had kind of picked out this one loft that he thought wouldn’t be too intimidating to me. It had a trap door thing once you got into it that you could close so people couldn’t climb up the ladder into it.  And although people could see there was someone in the loft and probably catch some glimpses of skin, it was really pretty private.  Indeed, in some respects, having sex in a city apartment/condo or a hotel room isn’t *that* much more private, given that people can hear, uh, sex noises.

So…we ended up having sex in this loft that reminded me of a college dorm room…and it was fun. I mean, mostly it was fun because sex with SGG is great. He comes closest to knowing where I like certain lines for how aggressive sex is.  Was it more fun than having sex at my place? Yes and no.  I can’t say I directly got that much out of the whole watching or being watched thing.  Probably because there was no one I really wanted to watch and, as such, the idea that they might catch glimpses of something was really not that crazy to me.  Plus it was dark and, despite the sex club thing, it felt relatively private.  But sharing something kind of kooky and weird and still finding a way to make it fun and sexy with SGG did add to the sex.

Would I do it again? Well, not at this sex club. No.  I don’t regret going, but it’s a pain to get to a kooky and weird place to have sex.  Would I go to a different club with SGG? Probably.  Because I wonder if I would like a different type of environment more or less and the only way to find out is to try…and given how comfortable it was with him, I would trust him.  Would I go to a different club with someone else? Maybe. Very circumstance specific.

So, hopefully I’ll get to see SGG one more time before he’s able to get out of here to get home.  We were both up late and he has family stuff all day, so who knows if it will work out.  But I should be in his city this week or next for work, so either way, should see him soon.

Multiple dating sites – etiquette…

So, I’m on more than one dating site/app. And each has its own vibe, obviously. Some of the apps require you to decide if you like someone or not before you see the next profile (e.g., Tinder, but not limited to Tinder).  So I never know what to do when I reach a profile of someone that I’m already in contact with (who is still in play – it’s easy if it’s someone I’ve talked to and realize I don’t want to talk to).

Sometimes, it’s easy. It could be someone that I was chatting with and just time, travel, general busy-ness got the best of me and we lost touch. Then seeing him on a new site is a great way to jump into the “hey, how have you been?”.  But I don’t know what to do if it’s someone I’m chatting with currently on another site. Or someone (like what just happened), that I slept with a couple times and just kind of lost touch with…do I “like” them? Or not? I mean, if they saw me on x site and were reminded of my awesomeness, couldn’t they just get in touch again? Or do people really lose contact info on the regular? Or is it like bumping into someone on the street who you have fond feelings for but haven’t been in regular touch with?

Update: I’m glad I decided to like his profile…we had a nice chat. Opened the door back up. He’s still super busy with his start up, but at least I know he’s still down to get together if he has the time (and energy).  So, who knows if we’ll get together, but, for my ego, it is nice to know that he hasn’t been around due to insane work hours, not because he didn’t have as much fun as I did.

Why do men want to keep women from easy access to birth control?

I saw this today:

I don’t live in Wisconsin.  But I don’t understand why there is such a fight on the right, lead by men, to keep women from accessing birth control that they can control in a safe and affordable manner. Well, I do.  It’s because these punk ass bitches of men are afraid of sexually confident women who would realize their 2 pump and done sex is lame and they would be ridiculed and laughed at for days. So they want to keep women in the dark about good sex because they know their little weenies and feeble stamina won’t keep any woman satisfied.

(Ok. Rant over. It doesn’t help that much. But I’d love to live in a world where men who are afraid of sexually confident women have zero power because they’re laughed at for being terrible fucks).

Why Does it Matter What Other People Do Sexually?

Let me start by saying, it’s easy to be curious about what other people are doing sexually.  Sex is interesting. Sex is fun.

But why we do some people get caught up in caring to the point where they will say things to hurt others for their choices or, even worse, take the position some people deserve fewer rights for their choices.

Yesterday it came up for me in a “conversation” through a dating app.  I asked the guy what he was looking for, as I don’t like to lead people on.  He said a serious relationship.  Rather than delete his profile and end the conversation without a word, or make assumptions about what he was open to, I said that wasn’t something I was interested in and that I was only interested in FWBs.  His response? “Have fun with those STIs!!!!” Now, I can handle that It’s not that big of a deal.  I’ve read the actual statistical likelihood of becoming infected and I get tested (indeed, I have an at home test kit on its way – I figured I’d try that approach out and see how it goes) and use condoms.  But he wasn’t interested in that, obviously. He just wanted to shame me for prioritizing sex over romance.

Fortunately, it’s fairly rare that people say things like that to me directly. But society sends this message all the time.  It sends it when politicians threaten to defund government over Planned Parenthood funding (which, by the way, does NOT fund abortions due to federal law…so the only purpose of defunding is because needing women’s health services is seen as gross and slutty).  It sends that message when women who have a lot of sexual partners are seen as being damaged or having daddy issues…and even though men don’t get the brunt of that, they’re still seen as needing to grow up.  It sends that message when rom-coms have to “save” the player through love.  It sends that message when we struggle talking about acquaintance rape because it is assumed that women regret casual sex and accuse men of rape out of regret.

And none of this is even getting into sexual identity, sexual fluidity, polyamory, and other “deviant” sexual behaviors between consenting adults.

This is a big reason I started this blog. I think we have to normalize the range of sexual behaviors and right now there isn’t much of a narrative out there in society that isn’t either serial monogamy or drunken, hook-up sex. I want to be one drop in the bucket that something else, defined and managed by me, is ok.