Ahhh. Chemistry. That elusive element of casual sex…

We’ve all forced it. Or, I assume most people have.  That…”He seems really nice and is cute” situation…but there’s nothing more than “He seems really nice and cute”.  And it’s pretty tough to overcome that.

I met one of those today.  I thought the potential issue might be his age. He’s only 25.   But that wasn’t a huge factor for me. At least it wasn’t the obvious factor.  It was just that…I felt nothing other than “He seems really nice and cute”.  So I had to tell him I wasn’t feeling it.  Poor guy walked out of Starbucks right then. Ugh. I tried to be nice about it, but…there are only so many ways to directly reject someone. And none of them feel good.

To his credit, he texted soon after and asked what it was.  And I had to say it was just…chemistry. I wasn’t feeling it. He seemed nice. He was attractive.  He told me he was disappointed because he thought I was really attractive [always nice to hear] and that he really wanted to eat me out.

I’ll admit that that bit of, I guess, sexual bravado was kind of hot. He had seemed pretty…mild-mannered when we met.  Maybe he would be different behind closed doors.  He also told me if I changed my mind, to let him know.  Which I also respected.

So, I am considering meeting him for a drink at some point in time. Maybe Starbucks isn’t the setting to expect to find chemistry. Especially on a busy Sunday.  Maybe a dark bar would be sexier.  I told him as much.  But that I didn’t know if I’d change my mind.  I’m heading out for vacation in a few days, so he knows nothing would be immediate. I need to decide.  Do I try to make chemistry happen? Or do I accept my initial response?

Honestly, a lot will probably depend on available options in a few weeks. And that is always in flux.

Red flags in a casual situation

Red flag type stuff is interesting when you’re not looking for something serious.  Or, at least it is for me.  If someone has weird (or no) career ambitions, might be moving shortly, has few (or too many) friends…who cares. I think I’m even pretty blase about certain substance abuse type issues. As long as the person doesn’t bring their heavy use of pot, booze, etc into our situation, what do I care if they are self-medicating? But there are some big red flags – someone who is disrespectful of women, “entitled” to sex, ready to lie to their spouse about sex (which means they could lie to me about risk factors or STD/STI stuff…)…those are absolute dealbreakers to me.

But what about the little things? The stuff that someone plays off as confusion, but is actually rude or insulting.  Or too many texts/messages that get annoying.  Or too much pressure to meet like RIGHTNOW when I don’t have time to meet (and/or, really just need time to myself). I’ve taken a pretty hard line assuming that, if someone annoys or insults me before we even meet, there is no point in meeting.  I think that’s the right decision. But of course I also second-guess myself.

Tonight I had to tell someone I wasn’t interested in meeting b/c his response to me saying I was tired from today’s run was “well, how do you expect to run a marathon if you’re tired from that?” Now, this guy isn’t a runner. He knows nothing about marathon training. So it was a comment out of ignorance. I’ve run 3 marathons, so I have a much better sense of when to be freaking out that I can’t run the damn thing. But I called him on it. He pleaded ignorance.  But I still just felt like “ugh. I don’t need to be working through communication issues with someone I’ve exchanged 10 messages with.  If we can’t figure THIS out, how is this going to be a drama-free situation?”  I think it’s the right call. But who knows.  Maybe he is a thoroughly decent guy who was legitimately perplexed how training works and was more concerned than anything else (though he justified his question, rather than apologizing, when called on it).

Anyway, I’m still trying to navigate what is a dealbreaker and what isn’t.  When to call it and when to assume the best of intentions (or that something doesn’t matter for my situation). So far I’ve only had one really bad date. And the rest, at worst, have been “no chemistry” dates where the person was perfectly fine, just not someone I’d want to fuck. But I’ve also been stood up a fair number of times and cancelled on a bunch. So maybe I should more ruthlessly weed people out.

But at least the Sexy Geek texted today, telling me how he is looking forward to seeing me again and some of the things he’d like to do to me 🙂 Some guys seem to lose the ability for follow up and charm, as it were, post-sex. At least he did with no upcoming dates in mind where we’ll even be in the same city.

 

So I Let Someone Stay Over…

I haven’t let anyone stay over in awhile. A LONGGGGG while. It’s really not so much that I hate sleeping next to someone. It’s that I hate the potential for someone lingering in the morning. I want my space in the morning. I don’t want to deal with someone being in it.  But last night’s guy had a flight to catch at 8am, so leaving my place no later than 6:30…I decided to make an exception.  I’ll call him…Sexy Geek Guy.

So, SGG had contacted me a few weeks ago, letting me know that he was going to be in town (he lives in another city I do get to for work, sometimes frequently) b/c he has family here. He was looking for something that could be a thing when he was in town roughly 4 times a year. We had a good vibe in messages, and I was open, but then didn’t hear from him for a week or so, and wasn’t sure the deal. Then I was feeling kind of like I was getting a cold and didn’t care.  But he did get in touch with me. I told him Wednesday wouldn’t work because I needed to go to bed early and sleep well. But when I woke up Thursday feeling much better, I messaged and let him know I  was up for meeting Thursday when he freed up.

Normally I meet guys out for a drink or a bite and if there is chemistry, I don’t mind heading back to my place. Last night I was feeling really lazy, didn’t feel like finding a bar open on Thanksgiving, and didn’t feel like changing out of my jeans and flannel.  So, I said SGG could just come over. We could have a drink and if there was no chemistry, we could just be adults and call it.  He was good with that as he’d been playing with his niece and nephew all day.

When he showed up, he was a bit geekier than I had expected, at least a first site.  But he had a good vibe. We grabbed some wine and sat down on my couch to talk…and talked for about 2 hours before I finally had to say I was tired.  I wasn’t sure what he was thinking as he’d obviously been enjoying himself – into the conversation, into playing with my pets…but hadn’t made any moves on me at all.  But he suggested we go to bed, and I figured I’d see where things lead…It did take me a few minutes to sort of make the mental switch to see his decidedly non-geeky side. And I am glad I gave it the chance.  I really enjoyed the vibe between us.  He was controlling, but not too controlling (esp for a first time). And I like that. And with his glasses off and naked, he definitely didn’t look geeky at all 😉 (I don’t really mind geeks at all. He is mega smart, obviously, and the CEO of company he started…I like guys who are intelligent. A lot).  I’m relatively certain I probably outweigh him, even though he’s taller (he’s quite thin…but muscular…but thin).  So I did have a moment of self-consciousness about my body. But he seemed to absolutely love my curves, so I quickly lost that self-consciousness.

So, it was 1:15am and he had to leave for the airport in just over 5 hours. I wasn’t going to make him go back to his air bnb (he did have his bag with him). So I let him stay…but was wondering what I was going to do about my dog who has to sleep in my bed, as well as my cats who come and go.  Luckily, he was cool with all that. And I even woke up to my dog sleeping between his legs. We talked a bit about seeing each other again as he was getting dressed. So, I think we probably will.

This was nice.  The guy I kind of liked stood me up last weekend. And another guy cancelled last minute (and the catfish potential guy hasn’t gotten in touch with me in over a week…kik is telling me he hasn’t logged in, so who knows what his deal is. I do have another date set up in his stead for tomorrow).  So I was feeling kind of down. I know none of that is about me exactly. Just the nature of dating, especially as I’m doing it.  But it can get frustrating. So it was nice to just be reminded that some of the guys I can meet doing this are truly fantastic people – just too busy to have a relationship. And this guy certainly falls within that category. I enjoyed the conversation maybe as much as the sex, and that isn’t to disparage the sex. Just that the conversation was great.

And tomorrow I’m meeting a, gulp, 25 yr old. A 26 yr old hasn’t been odd…so…we’ll see.

 

 

Perfect male specimen…or catfish?

I’ve been messaging with this guy I’ll call…Bill…for awhile.  He’s probably not the brightest, and he doesn’t really make me long for long conversations with him.  But damn is he hot in the photos he’s sent.  He’s probably hotter to me than any movie star that I can think of. He’s got a perfect fact. Perfect body. Nice cock.

So there is a good chance he’s not a real person.  We were supposed to meet about a month ago, but he didn’t show up (luckily, it was a “I’m going to be in your neighborhood anyway, let’s meet when I’m done” thing).  And he honestly hadn’t seemed like an asshole. Just kind of…not super bright, but nice. And kinky.  So I wrote him off, but did send a “why did you stand me?” message the next day, not expecting a response.  Well, 2 days after we were supposed to meet, I got an apology that he had been admitted to the hospital over the weekend.

So, this sounded both exactly like a catfish story…and also totally plausible based on some stuff we had discussed previously about him. Also could be a catfish scenario. But I decided to take him at his word b/c the facts did fit together. And people sometimes do go to the hospital.  And, fuck it. If he’s real, I want to get him naked, like, now. And if he’s not…well, what’s a little messaging?

So he’s claimed to be super busy with work (again, it makes sense given what I know about his job), so he messages me occasionally. Not often.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week and then he messaged today saying that he was free this weekend…finally…was I? Well, I have 3 dates this weekend (and a party), so no. I wasn’t. But I offered up the following Saturday and he said he could do it.

So maybe I’ll find out. At this point, I just kind of want to know if he’s real. And…I have 3 dates this weekend, at least one other next.  Maybe one Wednesday. If I get stood up…big deal. A night to myself will be very welcome. And if he is real? Well, I will enjoy his naked body (assuming, you know, that he’s into that) and not feel remotely guilty that I only want him for his body.

 

 

“Women don’t desire multiple partners” – ?

I heard this statement given as “fact” by a guest on a podcast this morning.  His theory was that women have not evolved to want sex from more than one man, so it’s just not a thing women want. Though it’s a thing men want.  He stated as “fact” that this behavior/desire had nothing to do with social constructs or expectations, but simply has to do with evolution.

I know this sentiment is out there. Sure.  But, either I’m a weirdo, or it is pretty normal for a female to desire sex from more than one man (whether one acts on that or not is obviously a choice).  I feel like once I allowed myself the choice of ethical non-monogamy, I don’t know how I would ever go back.  There are so many amazing men – men who spark my interest for their appearance, men who spark my interest for their intelligence, men who spark my interest for their swagger…and to decide that I only want one man, who can’t be all things to me, just seems like something I won’t be interested in doing (of course, I reserve my right to change my mind).  But, even when I’ve been monogamous, and even when I’ve thought I had the most amazing boyfriend, I still was occasionally turned on by other men. I think this is pretty normal.  I assume most women, even if they are deeply in love/lust with their significant other, can see other men as sexually appealing.

The reason I am thinking about this statement from some random person on a podcast is that I think it’s a pretty common viewpoint. And that’s where a lot of slut-shaming comes from. We accept that men can desire more than one person in an overlapping time period. But we ultimately think it’s weird if women do.  But I don’t think it is. Or I’m just weird.  But I wish we all could be more open about our desires, even if they aren’t desires we would ever act on.  I guess I see this as important to feminism because I think being open about what we think and desire, fuck societal expectations, is necessary to shift expectations about what women can do and experience.

Podcasts I like…

So far, there are 3 sex-related podcasts that I think send a sex-positive message and are funny, sometimes informative, and entertaining.

  • Savage Lovecast – I feel like this one is pretty well known and respected. Dan Savage is pretty great.
  • Guys we Fucked (or F****d on iTunes) – Something about the podcast is pretty addictive to me and I’ve had my laugh out loud moments. Sometimes it’s a bit repetitive and dry. The early episodes tended to be interviews with men that one of the hosts had hooked up with. Now there are more general interviews with people talking about their sex lives. I think it’s good to hear people talk openly and honestly about their sex lives. My only complaint is that the hosts are comedians. Not sex therapists or anything like that. And sometimes they aren’t as outraged as I wish they would be about “gray rape” situations.
  • Manwhore Podcast – This is sort of the male version of Guys we Fucked.  It’s a guy who is looking for a serious relationship, but kind of a slut.  He brings on women he has hooked up with to talk about what went wrong and how he can improve himself. Overall, I think he is pretty entertaining and he normalizes a lot of sex and body positivity.

Kissing…when fucking is on the table

Last night I saw the suitor who I have named Matt for purposes of anonymity (like his real first name would give him away…probably not).  We had plans on Sunday, but he cancelled b/c he was sick. That’s a good reason, as I don’t want to get sick.  We kind of had to keep it short last night due to our respective schedules.  We had a nice, casual dinner. Walked back to my place holding hands. And then we just stood in my hallway kissing for awhile. A long while.  He apologized that he was just feeling exhausted and out of it and that he was turning down sex, not because of me, but because of how he felt from a busy couple days.  I did tease him when he said that he had almost never turned down sex…but I knew that he wasn’t rejecting me. He made that very clear.  Especially when he asked me out again for this coming weekend and said he really liked me.

It’s kind of odd to just kiss when we’ve already had sex.  But it was kind of fun to just kiss.  I remembered how good kissing can be (and he’s a very good kisser. And we have good chemistry). And he laughed when my dog tried to join in.  That always wins me over a bit. See…I’m not just a heartless slut. I actually think I like the physical connection (almost) as much as anything else.  It’s nice.

Of course, being asked out for this weekend was difficult. I wanted to make it work b/c I do like him. So I had to shuffle some things around. Moved someone I’ll call Matthew (as the real names would be the equivalent to each other) to Saturday, from Sunday, which means squeezing Matthew in between a run/pilates and then dinner with a friend.  I may be exhausted. He’ll have to deal. It’s a first meeting and he is the Comedian who cancelled on me a few weeks ago…I guess things didn’t work out with the girl he said he was starting to date.  We’re going to have a first date at the sex shop as originally planned. I figure, worst case, it’s awkward and funny. Best case it’s hot.  And then I’ll see Matt on Sunday. (I also have one more first date Friday night. Sheesh. At least his name isn’t Matt/hew).