Truth

Damnit…this is not the plan

I really really like being single. I like having a weird schedule, doing what I want to do when I want to do it, staying in and not doing anything, saying no to plans simply because I don’t feel like it, etc. I’ve never had any kind of relationship where I felt like those things were present. And I tend to feel like relationships bring out my insecure and needy side, maybe because I don’t have as much freedom and feel dependent on someone else.

But I’ve sensed maybe things are shifting with Trump Hat Guy — that we’re not just using each other for sex and whatever friendly stuff along the way. But that there is actual interest in more.  He says he sucks at relationships.  For the reasons set forth above, I feel I do.  But being around him is easy.  I was out of town for about 5 days over the weekend, so hadn’t seen him since the weekend before Labor Day weekend. Got back super late Monday and on Wednesday, he texted asking if he could come over. I said no b/c I was super tired and about to go to bed…and then woke up yesterday wishing I’d said he could (though with a warning that I’d fall asleep and he’d have to just come to bed if it took him too long). Gahhhh. I shouldn’t want that. Like, that is just wanting sleep with a person and being ok with no sex…that’s, like, not FWBs at all. So, anyway, he asked about last night. My plan was, go to bed early, get up super early, get a good run in today…

What did I do? I said “I’d like you to come over if you could.” What? What? He asked if he could watch football. I *hate* football (for various reasons – I actually understand the game and used to be a huge fan, but between the rape culture I think that is allowed and the concussion/CTE element, I can’t enjoy it).  So, what did I say? “I don’t have cable, but I do have antenna I’ve never set up, and of course I have internet. But I don’t like football, but you can watch if you can figure it out.”

 

Yeah, that’s me wondering wtf I’m saying as I’m saying it. So he came over (roughly on time this time…he’s trying).  And we ordered dinner. And he watched football while I sort of did.  He fell asleep cuddling with me on the couch. Before he fell asleep said “I could get used to coming over here a lot.” What did I say? “That would be nice.” Really??? And I meant it. I was a good, um, FWB(? yeah right) and woke him up to watch the last couple plays of the game (which, you know, means I was paying attention and knew he’d want to see them and actually cared enough to wake him up so he could).

So he was over for something like 2 hours before we even did more than make out a little…and we ate dinner together, played with my pets together, watched football together and cuddled. THIS IS NOT HOW FWBS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

The sex was pretty short and intense, but amazing. As it is with him. We didn’t even manage to get all the way undressed.  And then we both fell asleep facing each other with our arms around each other. And for reference, the last time I allowed a guy to stay over on a work night was 2012. Spring 2012.  So…I broke a 4 1/2 year hiatus in allowing someone to screw up my weeknight sleeping to let THG stay over. And… I liked it. I liked waking up next to him. I liked sleeping with him. I liked waking him up after my shower in the morning and walking him out to his car with my dogs. I liked it.

My fear is that feeling of insecurity and self-doubt and lack of freedom will creep back. But I also want to see how things develop with him. And I need to battle my inner insistence at defining this and just work at letting it develop however it does. It’s already not what I expected from him.  And, well, whatever happens, the universe is having a grand laugh at my expense…I am dead set on being single and not being emotionally involved with someone. Ok, that’s shifting. And the guy who I’m interested in supports a presidential candidate who I despise (and politics are important to me), he is *26* years old, he is allergic to my pets, football season is starting and I hate football, he doesn’t work out so he doesn’t get why it appeals to me, um…other stuff. Yeah. We do not match well on paper. At all. Other than I think he’s hot. But somehow I’m just relaxed around him and feel like I can totally be myself and he likes it. And he makes me laugh. And the chemistry between us is amazing. So, we’ll see. Fuck me.