What a week…bad, good, and excellent

If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience.  One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.

Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it.  Problem is, it didn’t go so well.  He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.

This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past.  I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do.  He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying.  Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).

By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate.  So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him.  We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms.  And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…

Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy.  I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done.  But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to).  An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me.  And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.

A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…

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The downsides of FWBs

One of the downsides of my approach is that often people want more. Or at least want to explore more. For men I’m truly fond of, I am disappointed when that time comes, but I want what will make them happy and I wish them well.

Well, it seems that time has come with Yummy Guy 😦 We messaged yesterday and he’s met someone and wants to see where it goes. In his wonderful way, he was, of course extremely transparent, nice, respectful, and complimentary of me as we were talking about it. Telling me our sex is some of the best he’s ever had (he mentioned this more than once).

I know he’s only been seeing this other woman for 3-4 weeks, so this may not be the end of Yummy Guy as a FWB. He never seemed interested in relationships that were permanent and he sounds like a person happier single than coupled…but you never know. He’s 30. And he’s attractive and successful and nice. At times I wondered if I wanted more from him, but I really didn’t. I wanted what we had. It was perfect. But now I have to say goodbye to it. I can hope that he returns, but can’t expect it.

I did have a date last night with another new guy. He was clearly successful and a really good guy and he was definitely into me. So we’re going to do something tomorrow before he leaves town. He did’t kiss me, so I’m curious about the physical side. But I can see where it goes.

But sigh. Yummy Guy was one I didn’t want to say goodbye to.

Another night with Yummy Guy

Yesterday I was thinking that I really wanted to see Yummy Guy because I knew that would keep my feelings about Porn Star Guy in check. But I’d exchanged messages with Yummy Guy last week, and we had tried to meet, but he was too slammed with work and I didn’t expect to hear from him until the end of the month. So seeing a message from him pop up on my phone yesterday was definitely a treat and I was excited to see him.  He was going to be coming straight from work, and I was coming straight from pilates, so we decided to shower when he arrived, which was a first for us together. I do think shower sex is generally overrated, but any naked time with him is great.

While showering, he mentioned he had to pee and asked if he could pee on me. I’ve never done that, but I certainly was ok with it…and he said he’d never done it. I think we were kind of both left wondering if it was hot or not. But I appreciated him asking and being willing to try something different.

Again, he told me over and over how I always look so good and how he loves looking at me. This is why he’s so great. He definitely acts like he feels lucky to be fucking me. And I spend the entire time in awe that a guy as hot as he is, with as much going for him as he does, wants to fuck dorky me.

I hope Porn Guy can become a regular thing. And that Yummy Guy stays in the rotation. If I could find one more guy I was equally enamored about sex with, that would be pretty perfect (with a few one offs). Porn Guy mentioned yesterday getting together this weekend, so fingers crossed on that one.

Ending the weekend being fucked by a porn star followed by a massage…

Ok, porn star is probably an exaggeration, but an hour into being fucked by a guy with amazing skills, he told me that he had done porn for a year and a half in his early 20s. I’m pretty sure that’s a first.

I’ve been super busy lately, and have had some fun, but the past couple weeks have been boring. Between work and some political stuff I’m involved with, I’ve had very little time. I did go on a date with a super super sweet guy last Sunday, but it got to be late and I had my period, so I just made out with him a bit (but may see him next weekend). Friday I was supposed to have a date, but was in a terrible mood, so I canceled. Then I was getting a weird feeling from a guy I was supposed to go out with last night, so I canceled. I decided to swipe on Bumble a bit and was pleased to match with a guy whose face I just loved. Great smile. GREAT smile. We started messaging and I guess I assumed he was innocent. He looked innocent. So when he asked what I was looking for, I sort of downplayed the “nonmongamous FWBs” part and just said “casual FWBs”. Luckily he responded well to that and we kept chatting. So when he sent me a dick pic I had gotten a few months ago from a different guy, I was disappointed bc he had seemed so nice.

I considered just deleting him, but decided to tell himI had gotten his pic before from someone else. I didn’t expect to have a response back that had any logic to it, but to my surprise, he said that he had the pic up on FetLife and he’d heard some guys had downloaded it and were using it as their own. He offered to FaceTime with me to show me it was him, but I said I hated FaceTime, but would do it. So he then said I could also *67 call him if that made me more comfortable…and I really appreciated his focus on my comfort, lack of defensiveness, and going the extra mile. We chatted a bit about politics and and it was a good conversation, so I felt much better about meeting him. And that he was real. Even still, all day today I was a bit nervous this was an elaborate catfish. I was also incredible turned on bc he was smart, shares my politics, and has a beautiful cock (plus, seemed like he would be my physical type).

I usually don’t let guys just come over, but between being horny AF and having such a good feeling about him from our call, I decided I’d let him come over. And basically once I agree to that, the challenge is how to be most comfortable with him. He asked me to leave the door open and meet him naked. Never done that, but decided to go for it. And it was surprisingly comfortable and not weird to be greeted like that…and luckily he looked just like his pics.

After that, he basically fucked me for an hour and a half straight (with some oral thrown in) and he was clearly very into it. Told me several times he wants this to be a regular thing. So it was fantastic. A nice, hot guy who wants to fuck me on the regular? Yes please. And after so much crappy stuff with guys lately, I totally earned a fantastic fuck.

Oh, and then I got a massage. So I’m beyond beyond blissed out.

Hopefully he does become a regular partner because I will be muchhhh less stressed out if I’m getting fucked weekly by a guy that good.

A new cub…

As much as I hate the cougar moniker, I think cub applies here. Because he really does look young (he’s 24) and he really does look so adorable. But he’s still sooooo sexy and I think there is good potential.

I’ve been messaging Cub for almost a month.  He started messaging me right before I went on my trip, then I got back and he was out of town, then I was for work…and now I’m swamped at work. He’s bi, and I love bi guys, and he seems so sweet and eager.  So finally he swung by yesterday afternoon when I was working and I took a break. I don’t normally love the “just come over and hookup” as a first meet. But sometimes, it’s the only thing that is going to work.

My first impression when he showed up was “god he looks young. But those lips. THOSE LIPS”.  So we went to my room and didn’t talk much before we were kissing. And damn. He is an amazing kisser. Like one of the best kissers I’ve kissed. And of course we end up naked and he was kind of on top of me while I sucked his cock and he played with my pussy, which he was also really really really good at.

But then when we went to fuck, he lost his erection. He got it back after I sucked on him some more, but that was kind of weird. I don’t know if he was just nervous or what.

So I wasn’t sure what to think when he left. I was definitely down to do it again b/c what he did do in terms of kissing and fingering me, he did SO well. But then I wasn’t sure what he thought about me and all that. But I got a text this morning gushing about how amazing I am.

So we’ll see. I am sure I’ll see him again. Whether it turns into something regular kind of depends on whether he can actually stay erect while fucking me. I mean, the other stuff is fun, but not enough for ongoing.

Yummy guy is always worth it…

Last night I saw Yummy guy again.  I don’t know what it is about him.  The sex is certainly very very very good.  But it’s not the best I’ve ever had.  But he’s just so damn perfect as an escape from life. When he walks in the door, there’s no awkwardness really…we just end up making out and usually having sex pretty quickly from there. Last night was no exception – we started with sex about 2 feet from my front door. Eventually made it to my bedroom. It was definitely a nothing fancy sexually kind of night. But it didn’t need to be. Sometimes efficient and intense is what is needed.

Why do I like him…first, he’s hot. I’ve mentioned this.  He’s not really my usual type, but there’s not doubt he’s hot.  And his body….oddly, I’m obsessed with his neck. Not a body part I usually focus on, but his neck just looks so strong without being too thick or weirdly out of proportion.  And his arms.  And, well, he just has an amazing body. And yet he seems to enjoy mine quite a bit. Second, he’s charming. He’s *just* sarcastic enough to not be boring, but not so sarcastic as to be mean. He seems genuinely fascinated by weirdness in the world. Genuinely nice. So we usually talk for an hour or so after sex. And the conversation is good. It’s part of the fun with him. Some guys I truly wouldn’t care if they showed up, fucked me, and left. In fact, I’ve had that type of set up before. With him…I want him to stay and talk.

So I get asked by friends if I want something more from him…I don’t think so. This is kind of perfect. He’s like a yummy dessert…something I theoretically want to dive into and gorge myself on, but I know if I had it too often, it would become routine and less yummy.

That said, if he ended things, I would be disappointed. I’m not done with him yet. I don’t think he’s done with me either since he asked me yesterday by text if I’d be open to another guy or guys joining us…which I said I was, since I obviously have enjoyed that in the past. I forgot to talk with him about that last night, so we’ll see.

 

Ahhh. Birthday sex

Yesterday was my birthday and I had plans to hang out with a friend, so didn’t think I’d fit birthday sex into the day, so I didn’t even try (though I a number of men I had been messaging, but hadn’t met, offered).  I hadn’t heard from Ass Man since last week, but I wasn’t really worried. I know he’s busy and I made it clear I was.  But I shot him a message yesterday and he promptly responded and asked what I was doing that night – that he had a work thing and would I be available after.

Since the timing of his work thing roughly lined up with my plans, I figured it was worth a shot at seeing him, and getting some good birthday sex. My place was a disaster, but I figured he could just deal. He wasn’t coming over to see my organizational skills…So as I was walking out of dinner to head home, he texts to say his work thing was wrapping up. Perfect. He said he would come over after.

Of course the trains didn’t really cooperate and I ended up walking home from the station that isn’t as close to my place as the one I prefer. Not a big deal, but it was hot and muggy. And then I had to walk my dogs…also hot and muggy. So by the time he got to my place, I had managed to feed my dogs and pick up the most offensive of the mess, but I was sort of drenched in sweat. I wasn’t that worried – our first date had us caught in the rain and he kept saying how hot I looked. But, eh, not ideal.  He, on the other hand, looked amazing. He was in a casual suit and just looked…so fly and so hot. But he didn’t seem to care.

We started making out on my bed and he put his hand on the back of my head as I was sucking him off and he asked why I was so wet.  I had a moment of “crap…sweat is so gross” feeling, but I just said I was sweaty from the train home and walking the dogs and his response was “I like it. It’s hot”…perfect 🙂 Anyway, if possible the sex was even better than the 2 previous times. At least on my end. I don’t think he had any complaints. He hung out for awhile after, just chatting. I do actually like him and I think we’re on the same page re: enjoying being single and not really feeling comfortable in relationships. I told him about the assumptions people at work make about me for being single (I think a lot of people assume I’m a closeted lesbian), and he said he was sure he’d end up in the same boat since he doesn’t see himself ever marrying or being in a LTR serious enough that work people would know her. It was good…

And a good way to usher in a new year. I keep wondering if at some point I just sound too old, but so far, the young guys have zero issue with my age. I’ll probably do a post about aging (and sex) soon. It’s not what I expected when I was younger.