GAHHH…Dumb emotions again

After the 3some on Tuesday, I reached out to Trump Hat Guy to see if he’s still interested in an MMF with hot bi guy at some point.  He wanted to hear all about the 3some and asked if I would let him be my main guy while I continued to sleep with other guys.  I kind of hesitated…I’m not looking for a relationship after all…and asked if the thought of me “cheating” on him was exciting to him. He said that was exactly right. My response was that I was open, but we need to do a better job about being honest with each other. I’m not into being jerked around.  So we made plans to see each other last night…

I had mixed feelings most of the day – excitement about hanging out with him for more than an hour, but kind of keeping my expectations in check in case he flaked on me again.  And when he didn’t respond to my email about whether we were still on for a few hours, that was only  magnified.

Finally he started responding – that he was still at work (I got out early) and was hoping to leave soon.  He didn’t end up leaving until 6 or so, and came straight to my place.  And it was just a really nice night. We ordered food, had sex on my couch, cuddled…he talked to me about some of the not so great parts of his family life and career.  And also how he knows he’s terrible at communication and it has screwed up all his relationships and he really is trying harder with me than he ever does.

And then he stayed over. For me, the most intimate thing I can do with a person is sleep with them.  I almost never do it and it’s not unusual for me to start having a panic-type attack about sleeping over.  But with him, I just fell asleep…it was the two of us, my two dogs, and at least 2 of my cats in bed.  It was cramped and I was completely relaxed.

When I woke up, I walked my dogs and came back and woke him up and we talked a bit. Then I made us breakfast before I had to head to puppy training class…

So it was the most relationship-y night I’ve had in years. There is this thing between us that I wish wasn’t there, but is. My pets flock to him when he arrives and I feel like he listens to me and kind of gets me. The age difference, the political (HUGE) differences (although he is socially liberal), and the frustrations about his shitty communication skills all kind of go away when we’re hanging out. At some point this is going to turn into a thing. Whether it does soon or if we’re still months away, I don’t know. But we seem to just be drawn to each other. And I love it and also hate it. I hate that the first guy I’ve had feelings for in years voted for Trump. I hate that I can’t even imagine telling most people I know about him – a little due to age, but mostly the politics.  I hate that he’s so predictably bad at communication that he leaves me on edge. But I also really enjoy the feelings of butterflies around him. The relaxation. The comfort. That I can disagree with him on politics or talk to him about my activism and he wants to hear about it. And that he seems to know when he has to back off the teasing about politics and respect that I feel strongly and he needs to STFU.

The universe has a sick sense of humor.

The logistics of arranging an MMF…

MMFs are my favorite sexual situation. They just turn me on and I don’t find having an extra person weird or awkward in any way (I kind of do with MFF).  But they’re the hardest to arrange IMO. Finding 2 guys who are on the same page with the amount, type, or limitations on physical contact is…daunting. And then, when you do, getting them BOTH to show up at the appointed time is even more difficult.

Last night I had set up an MMF with Hot Bi Guy and a guy I had messaged with in the past who reappeared who just looks so all american innocent…but, around 6pm, I got a message from the new guy that he had a million things in the air and he wasn’t going to know if he could make it until much later. Well…I had also been in a 3way chat with Hot Bi Guy and another guy who I had been messaging forever. Since all american innocent guy had asked first about setting something up for Tuesday, he had first dibs on my time. But with him looking unlikely, I needed an answer b/c at the same time, the other new guy was messaging me asking if by any chance things had fallen through and he could make an appearance. I didn’t really want to say to all american guy “are you in or are you out bc I have other options”, but finally he gave me an answer asking to reschedule. Whew. It was only 6:15 and I could ask the other new guy (he’ll be Teacher Guy from now on…b/c he’s a teacher) and Hot Bi Guy if that could be the new situation for the night.

Hot Bi Guy just rolled with it. He’s like…my dream 3rd for MMFs. He’s fucking gorgeous. Truly. I am seriously fine if he just comes over and lets me talk to him so that I can look at him. And he’s really nice and laid back. And he’s fine with whatever another guy is into…and he is cool with awkwardness and he’s just a perfect third.

Teacher guy showed up first, ostensibly to have a drink and get to know each other since we hadn’t met and Hot Bi Guy and I had.  I actually thought he meant have a drink, but within 5-10 min, my pants were at my ankles and he was eating me out. We eventually made it to my bedroom where I ended up naked, while he did everything he could to me with his clothes on.  After I’d cum a couple times, Hot Bi Guy arrived. I was naked, Teacher guy was close to it and on top of me, so he just laid down next to me and joined in.  Even though Teacher Guy had said he was into experimenting with a guy, he really didn’t seem to be. Which, while disappointing, was still fun as then all attention was on me.

Afterwards, Hot Bi Guy asked Teacher guy how old he was…Teacher guy is 25 and Hot Bi Guy is 27. I quickly did the math to make sure I’m younger than their ages combined (yes, I am).  They kind of teased me about that – robbing the cradle and all…but men my age tend to be really sexually reserved in comparison. And not as respectful.

The only awkwardness really was at the end when we were all dressed and Hot Bi Guy and I are chatting about tattoos and medical school and Teacher Guy was like “oh, my lyft is here”. I mean, that’s fine. I didn’t expect a ton of lingering, but he was gone in a second. He did message me after saying he had fun.  So, IDK. Hot Bi Guy gave me a hug on the way out and said “see you soon”…so yay, he seems down to keep on being my 3rd!

I had a moment or two of thinking how odd this is. I’m not someone anyone would expect would rush home from work to get ready for 2 guys to come over to see. And yet, it just seems like a way to have fun that is low pressure and high enjoyment. So it doesn’t actually feel weird. It would just sound crazy to anyone who knows me who doesn’t know this side of me (and maybe to a few who do).

Productive Saturday…and the Return of Trump Hat Guy

Yesterday morning I traveled about 2 1/2 hours to speak to a group about activism in the Post-Trump World. Then I went home and fucked a Trump voter…sigh…(and then someone after that).

After Wednesday, I decided to get in touch with Trump Hat Guy about a 3some with the super hot bi guy who was part of Wednesday.  THG was into being fucked by a hot guy with a nice cock and, well, super hot bi guy is about as good as it’s going to get for that.  And since I prefer bi MMFs…and super hot bi guy was into the idea, decided to reach out.

THG was moderately in touch for a couple days, but annoyingly uncommunicative.  Then yesterday on my way back from the group, I got a text from him. He was interested in the 3some…but he wanted to see me and hang out with me before anything with a 3rd.  I had plans last night with someone I was actually interested in meeting, which I told him…he said he would come over before that if I’d let him. I was skeptical, as he *never* has ever shown up on time. and I didn’t have a lot of time, so…I didn’t see how that would work.  But I told him if he was at my place at 5, I would give him an hour or so.

And he actually showed up at 5:01 (I’ll take it). He walked in the door and we just started kissing. It didn’t feel like it had been 6-7 months. It felt like we had just seen each other. And of course we were fucking and then naked (yes, we didn’t even really wait) within minutes. After, we talked for like an hour or so. I emphasized that I don’t want the drama we’ve had…I can’t do it. He said he gets that and he promises it will be better. I’m still, of course, wary. And I told him it would take me time to believe that to be the case. He said he understood…and he was also excited that I might go fuck someone else after him if I liked the guy.

After a long day and being well fucked by THG, I wasn’t that into getting ready to go meet the new guy, who I’ll call ex-Hollywood Guy. But he had interested me. He was only 25, looked super hot, and seemed very cool. But I DID want to meet him, so I sucked it up and got dressed (I didn’t shower again…oops). I got there a couple min before him, texted him where I was and when he showed up, he was hotter than I expected and more charming.  Within minutes he was telling me that I was much hotter than my pics and the first person he had met who was. So we had a drink, flirted, and then went back to my place. He was a fantastic kisser, fantastic with his hands…the sex was a little bit less natural than it sometimes is. I don’t know if that was us, his age showing, or just that I’d just been with someone I had a very comfortable sexual vibe with.  After sex, we talked a bit and then he said he’d let me go to sleep (I was grateful)…and I texted THG to let him know that yes, I had fucked the other guy, and he seemed turned on.

So, while some people might be like “omg, you fucked 2 guys in a day, back to back!”, I kind of don’t see that as a big deal. I’m more weirded out that I still have a connection with THG…so we’ll see what plays out. Hopefully I’ll get that bi mmf with him tho…

My perfect Friday night

Superman came over, fucked me, I orgasmed more times than I could count (or just never stopped?), and then he left to go out with friends and I can chill and go to bed early and get up early.

Sad for some? Maybe. For me, perfect.  I like time to myself. I don’t like being up late Fridays. I like getting up early on a Saturday, working out, and having a full day.  And I like sex. I like sex to not interfere with my time to chill out. And this didn’t.  Doesn’t.

And, by the way, being dildo’d at the same time I’m being eaten out is heaven.  Total heaven.

And I’m still riding the bliss of pretty much an hour or so straight of orgasms…

2x in one week with the same guy…

I can’t remember the last time that has happened. Between my own aversion to expectations and the aversions of those I tend to hook up with to the same, it just hasn’t been on the table.  Last night I saw Cat, the Sunday guy, again.  He said I should come over, he’d make dinner, we’d fuck…I said yes.

Anyway, that’s what we did (well, we fucked before dinner).  And I’m not sure how I feel about things. I was over there roughly 4 hours. Most of the time we talked. It was very date-y.  It was nice. And I also don’t know if it’s what I want. But I enjoyed it. But I’m also “meh” about whether I want it to happen again. The sex was great. So great. Less intense and long than Sunday, but hey, it was a weeknight. But he’s *great* at sex. He’s kinky and dirty and respectful and I love it. He’s also genuinely a good guy. Smart, seems older than his age, respectful…

So I’m going to see what happens. He’s already told me that he’s been accused of being super super intense and then standoff-ish. Whether this works for me or not, who knows. Whether I care or not if it works for me…I don’t know. Though I wouldn’t mind some more sex with him.

Tonight I might be meeting a guy I’ve been talking to for something like 18 mos about hooking up…

Damnit…this is not the plan

I really really like being single. I like having a weird schedule, doing what I want to do when I want to do it, staying in and not doing anything, saying no to plans simply because I don’t feel like it, etc. I’ve never had any kind of relationship where I felt like those things were present. And I tend to feel like relationships bring out my insecure and needy side, maybe because I don’t have as much freedom and feel dependent on someone else.

But I’ve sensed maybe things are shifting with Trump Hat Guy — that we’re not just using each other for sex and whatever friendly stuff along the way. But that there is actual interest in more.  He says he sucks at relationships.  For the reasons set forth above, I feel I do.  But being around him is easy.  I was out of town for about 5 days over the weekend, so hadn’t seen him since the weekend before Labor Day weekend. Got back super late Monday and on Wednesday, he texted asking if he could come over. I said no b/c I was super tired and about to go to bed…and then woke up yesterday wishing I’d said he could (though with a warning that I’d fall asleep and he’d have to just come to bed if it took him too long). Gahhhh. I shouldn’t want that. Like, that is just wanting sleep with a person and being ok with no sex…that’s, like, not FWBs at all. So, anyway, he asked about last night. My plan was, go to bed early, get up super early, get a good run in today…

What did I do? I said “I’d like you to come over if you could.” What? What? He asked if he could watch football. I *hate* football (for various reasons – I actually understand the game and used to be a huge fan, but between the rape culture I think that is allowed and the concussion/CTE element, I can’t enjoy it).  So, what did I say? “I don’t have cable, but I do have antenna I’ve never set up, and of course I have internet. But I don’t like football, but you can watch if you can figure it out.”



Yeah, that’s me wondering wtf I’m saying as I’m saying it. So he came over (roughly on time this time…he’s trying).  And we ordered dinner. And he watched football while I sort of did.  He fell asleep cuddling with me on the couch. Before he fell asleep said “I could get used to coming over here a lot.” What did I say? “That would be nice.” Really??? And I meant it. I was a good, um, FWB(? yeah right) and woke him up to watch the last couple plays of the game (which, you know, means I was paying attention and knew he’d want to see them and actually cared enough to wake him up so he could).

So he was over for something like 2 hours before we even did more than make out a little…and we ate dinner together, played with my pets together, watched football together and cuddled. THIS IS NOT HOW FWBS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.

The sex was pretty short and intense, but amazing. As it is with him. We didn’t even manage to get all the way undressed.  And then we both fell asleep facing each other with our arms around each other. And for reference, the last time I allowed a guy to stay over on a work night was 2012. Spring 2012.  So…I broke a 4 1/2 year hiatus in allowing someone to screw up my weeknight sleeping to let THG stay over. And… I liked it. I liked waking up next to him. I liked sleeping with him. I liked waking him up after my shower in the morning and walking him out to his car with my dogs. I liked it.

My fear is that feeling of insecurity and self-doubt and lack of freedom will creep back. But I also want to see how things develop with him. And I need to battle my inner insistence at defining this and just work at letting it develop however it does. It’s already not what I expected from him.  And, well, whatever happens, the universe is having a grand laugh at my expense…I am dead set on being single and not being emotionally involved with someone. Ok, that’s shifting. And the guy who I’m interested in supports a presidential candidate who I despise (and politics are important to me), he is *26* years old, he is allergic to my pets, football season is starting and I hate football, he doesn’t work out so he doesn’t get why it appeals to me, um…other stuff. Yeah. We do not match well on paper. At all. Other than I think he’s hot. But somehow I’m just relaxed around him and feel like I can totally be myself and he likes it. And he makes me laugh. And the chemistry between us is amazing. So, we’ll see. Fuck me.


What’s too young?

When I was working out yesterday, I realized that if I added the ages together of the 2 guys I had sex with last week, their combined age was only about 9 years older than me…closer than I am to either of them. I’m fine with that. I have a few friends who have husbands 15-20 years older and that seems like no big deal…but I don’t know anyone with the situation flipped.

I find younger guys are more respectful of me. Maybe because we’re at different points in life, there is less competition. And younger guys tend to be kinkier, more open-minded, more into casual…it just works for me. I didn’t expect that to be the case, and had NO idea that all these younger guys were into older women.  I look at pics of myself from my 20s and while I was certainly hotter (IMO), I didn’t have the confidence I do now. So I get it. It’s just a little weird when I see a guy and know that the last woman he slept with was close to 20 years younger than me…am I in competition with these women? I don’t want to be.

So what’s too young? I have sort of arbitrarily set the age at 24, though I haven’t hooked up with anyone younger than 26. My thinking has been that the brain is fully developed around 24, so I’m not taking advantage of someone improperly. But one male podcaster in his late 20s who I listen to thinks that all women over 45 (not there yet) should fuck a college-age person at some point to show them how to have good sex…It makes sense to me. But I haven’t done that and don’t know that I could. So I don’t know what is too young. And I don’t know that I could get into a guy younger than 25/26…but I never thought a 26 yr old would actually be more than a fuck buddy to me and, well, Trump Hat Guy has made me question that. So I don’t know what is too young if a guy seemed mature (I mean, obviously someone would be a legal adult, that’s a given. I mean beyond that).