The freedom of being single

Following up on my last blog post about people’s assumptions when one is single, leaving for vacation reminded me of some of the wonderful aspects of being truly single. The days leading up to leaving were rather hectic. I had work obligations and was just so burnt out that I was not even at my most productive, making getting what had to get done that much more difficult. The guy who I had hooked up with right after my cat died was in touch (he’s the one I hadn’t nicknamed…I still have no inspiration for a nickname) because I’d let him know all was clean with the the chlamydia scare (indeed, the guy who I had been with who had been exposed was also clean…so I never was even exposed). So that got him asking for the next time…the first time he asked, I had plans to see my parents. That’s an easy no. Then he asked about the Sunday before I was leaving for my vacation (leaving Tuesday morning). When I told him on Sunday that I just had too much to do between work and packing, I did say it was possible Monday would work, but I really had to see if I got done what I needed to for work before I left.

Well, Monday I decided that, besides work and finishing packing, I really needed a good run. That ended up eating into the window I had to possibly see him. And I also didn’t feel like staying up late to see him because I wanted to run something on Tuesday morning before sitting for 24 hours of flying. So I told him that it wouldn’t work. When I got back we could get together. I haven’t heard from him. And that’s ok. This is what I want right now in my life. Someone who is open to seeing each other when our schedules line up, however each of us define schedules lining up. If our schedules don’t line up because I need time to myself, or want to see someone else, or feel like going for a run, or waste time writing a blog post, our schedules don’t line up. And a partner has that same luxury. If he says he isn’t available for a couple weeks (or months), I’m not going to worry about that. Having the power to only say yes when I truly want to say yes is really important to me. And I see being “unsingle” as losing that power. If I was “unsingle” and this guy was the reason I was “unsingle”, I would feel obligated (rightly or wrongly, but I think most would feel the same way) to see him before I left town for 2 weeks (and depending on the level of “unsingleness”, I might not even feel like it made sense to take a 2 week vacation without him).

No doubt, there are great things about relationships, at least when relationships are working. But right now I’m not seeing a feature of a relationship that I want which doesn’t exist in my life. I have friends I can count on to be there for me (and I for them) when life hands you that stuff that you need support for. I often can have as much good sex as I’d like, although admittedly it requires some level of scheduling. With a bunch of pets, I get as much cuddling as I want and can take. Sure, no one runs to the store for me when I need bread, but online grocery ordering pretty much takes that need off my plate and my dry cleaners pick up and drop off…and I have no reciprocal obligations. And no one cares how messy my place is but me. And, most importantly to me, I can say no to things I don’t want to do in my personal life. I have enough obligations in life. I don’t want another one. Maybe someday someone will convince me that he is worth that obligation. But I haven’t met that person yet.


“I’d rather people think I’m a lesbian than a slut”

I was messaging with a lesbian friend today because an ex-boyfriend asked me today if I was dating her.  We’d been mistaken for a couple the week before and she confessed that one of our mutual friends asked her if we were dating. I found it interesting simply because I’d never before had to navigate the assumptions that hanging out with another woman, as friends, must mean we’re dating.  And here even an ex-boyfriend is wondering…

I don’t care if people think I’m lesbian or bi (or at least, I’m pretty sure I don’t…still formulating thoughts on the threesome, so that’s to come).  Indeed, as I said to her, if people are going to assume something since I’m single and that seems to be something people struggle with understanding, I’d rather they think I’m in the closet as a lesbian or bisexual than that I’m just a slut, since the latter has more negative career implications for me.

And, is that fair that it should be that way?

The gay rights movement has done a great job with helping people understand that people are born with a certain orientation. But I think a lot of us recognize that, in doing this, it loses some nuance because, if you accept a Kinsey scale of sexuality, most of us are making some choices along the way.

And how many sexual partners one has is a choice.  But it’s informed by innate desires. I’m not equating sexual orientation and sexual desire for multiple partners as being co-equal. That’s beyond my pay grade. I’m just pointing out that we’re now at a point where if I chose to be with a woman as my partner, no one I work with would say anything to my face and most wouldn’t say more than “I didn’t know she was gay” behind my back (which goes to the silent face of bisexuality, where bisexuals pass as straight if they’re with a partner of the opposite sex).  But if I brought a different guy to every firm event, eyebrows would raise. Or if I said to someone at work “oh, this weekend I’m seeing two different guys”…

And I wonder if that’s fair? Why are we so sophisticated with the one choice, but not the other? And will we ever get to a place where it’s ok for a grown ass woman to make the choice to be a slut?

“Bern the Witch”…

Other than complaining about republicans, I haven’t waded into the elections here.  But this is making the rounds from Sanders’ official website today:

It was taken down as soon as people complained, but it was apparently up since October.

And this is following

But the former “Bern the Witch” was on the official website. That’s not just hyper-aggressive online support.

What does this say about how strong women are seen? I guess it means that we’re terrible people. Witches. Is bitch implied? Doesn’t matter. Both are terrible.

When the left wants to tear down powerful women, what does this say for where we are? I see being confident about sex and being confident about my gender as being inextricably intertwined. I couldn’t enjoy sex as much as I do if I wasn’t completely confident about my right to enjoy it and that it’s not just men who get to enjoy sex.  That enjoyment of sex feeds back into my feeling that women deserve equal respect in our society.

And then a “progressive” champions “Bern[ing] the Witch”

We can do better. We need to demand better.

We never met. I don’t actually care about you…

The thing about having a dating profile indicating that one is open to casual sex is that one gets a lot of messages.  Or at least I do.  So I respond to those that seem to interest me.  And sometimes the people I’m messaging with end up annoying me, pissing me off, or boring me before we meet.

Sometimes I have the energy to tell them “sorry, I’m not interested.”  Sometimes I don’t. But if I haven’t met someone, I don’t feel like I “owe” them a break up. Just like you wouldn’t break up with someone in a bar who you exchanged a couple sentences with. Or even had a conversation with.

But guys just keep coming back.  Even some who “end” things with me because I’m not available enough.  Today, for instance…one guy who told me last week that I didn’t seem interested enough (I really wasn’t that interested) decided that he was going to start messaging again.  And another guy who I told months ago that I wasn’t interested texted to tell me he was thinking about me.

Why? Why are you thinking about me? Because I told a sarcastic joke and you thought of it? We never even met.

The thing is, most men don’t get as many messages as I get. So I guess some men elevate me to being something to them that they aren’t to me.

It really is true that men will chase you if you don’t care.  Or at least some men will. And it’s dumb.

My first threesome and *real* experimentation with a woman…wow

So, last night was the night…the threesome! For better or worse, the day started off crazy.I was kind of in the work survival mode until mid-afternoon, so I didn’t have much time to worry or stress.  But once work got out of survival mode, I was definitely a little jittery…I couldn’t imagine how things would play out. I just kept telling myself that once we were naked, things typically work themselves out.

Part of me just wanted to go straight to their hotel room (they were staying in a hotel in the city anyway for something Saturday morning, so it all worked out well) and get it on.  But they had proposed dinner first, so I went for a 3 mile run when I got home from work to work some stress out and then got ready and headed down to meet them for dinner.  I did go to their hotel room, and then we headed out.

As someone who has never really been part of a swinging-type situation, “dating” a couple is weird.  I mean, I’ve have so so so many dinners in life with friends and their husbands. Or couple friends.  And it isn’t remotely sexual as I can’t even really see friends’ significant others as remotely on the table for anything…I respect relationships. And maybe that’s part of what has been really interesting to work through — making sure I respect the bond and also their decision to be open (in the way they’re comfortable being open).  Anyway. we went to dinner and it was, as usual with them, comfortable and enjoyable. Good stories. We have similar senses of humor.  I just enjoy them. And while I’ve found the woman very very attractive from the time we met, I was less sold on the guy. But he’s definitely grown on me.

So, after dinner, we go back to their hotel room and we’re all sitting on the bed chatting and drinking ginger beer mules (I’m not a big drinker, but did have 3 drinks last night – a lot for me. Not enough to be drunk at all, but enough to be more relaxed).  I’d mentioned at dinner that I was getting a new tattoo today – that turned to a discussion that the woman had some tattoos and she kind of started to break the tension by taking off her shirt to show me her tattoos all over her back.  I made sure to touch them to show some physical interest.  Then they asked to see my tattoos, which required me pulling down my jeans to show my thigh.  So…now we’re all done with our drinks and she asked if I wanted another…or if she could kiss me. Thank goodness someone knew how to direct! The guy was also new to the threesome thing, so her experience and directing was definitely appreciated and needed!  Again, I really liked kissing her. Though it’s weird to be kissing someone smaller than me and with really long hair. I let my hands wander and that was more natural than I expected.  She and her bf then started kissing and she then asked if I wanted to kiss them. While this wasn’t something I expected, I so appreciated her invitation to kiss him. It kept some of that understandable protectiveness out of things.

Anyway, we were soon all naked. It was one of those things where everyone kind of undressed themselves and it was sort of acknowledged that it’s a little awkward.  But it really wasn’t awkward for most of the evening.  A few highlights…omg. She was about as good as anyone ever as been at oral and fingering.  Wow.  When he started some fingering later, I was thinking “no comparison.”  She asked before going down on me, which was both sweet and appreciated. I wanted her to go down on me! But I appreciated the way she seemed to care.  And when I asked if I could go down on her, I said I’d never done that before…and she reassured me that I knew what I liked and would be just fine.  And I think I was.  It was interesting to feel a woman orgasm as I was stimulating her g spot and performing oral. Oh, hot too 🙂 I feel like I’m being super analytical, but it was all really fun and honestly more sweet and caring than a lot of the sex (even good sex!) that I’ve had lately.  We all took different positions, all came, and then were all in a puddle at the end, cuddling…I’m not sure I came quite as hard as I sometimes do. But I had more of a consistent level of waves of orgasms for awhile.

We talked for awhile…they told me that they’d like to do this again, if I was open. Or just hang out, with or without clothes on.  I assured them that I liked them both with and without clothes and would like to do the same.  I thanked them for being such a great first threesome/first woman, and that it was really great for me. After cuddling awhile, we went for another round. Honestly, at this point, I was pretty tired, but it was really enjoyable and I had a few more mild orgasms.

They invited me to stay the night, but I was kind of worried the morning might make things weird and things were so good at that time, I decided to leave.  Leave on a high note, right?

Anyway, I’ll leave things here…I am still thinking about how interesting the same sex experience was.  It was obviously different, but not really, from heterosexual sex. I now get what my bi friends have said that it’s about the person, not the gender. I’m not saying I’m bi…but I am saying I get it.  And I would like to explore this more and was wondering this morning if there would be circumstances under which the woman and I could just play together without her bf…because I think I’d like that.



“What are your plans for the weekend?”

From a very very young colleague (I work in a very conservative profession)…

I run through what I can mention:
1) Possible/hopeful threesome tonight? Nope, probably shouldn’t mention

2) Tattoo tomorrow? Eh. Still probably shouldn’t mention

3) Date on Sunday with guy who wants to hear about tonight’s threesome? Probably can’t even mention as just a “date” as…not really your normal date.

Leave it at “oh, just some plans with friends. Nothing really.”