What a week…bad, good, and excellent

If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience.  One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.

Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it.  Problem is, it didn’t go so well.  He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.

This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past.  I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do.  He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying.  Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).

By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate.  So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him.  We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms.  And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…

Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy.  I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done.  But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to).  An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me.  And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.

A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…


Ending the weekend being fucked by a porn star followed by a massage…

Ok, porn star is probably an exaggeration, but an hour into being fucked by a guy with amazing skills, he told me that he had done porn for a year and a half in his early 20s. I’m pretty sure that’s a first.

I’ve been super busy lately, and have had some fun, but the past couple weeks have been boring. Between work and some political stuff I’m involved with, I’ve had very little time. I did go on a date with a super super sweet guy last Sunday, but it got to be late and I had my period, so I just made out with him a bit (but may see him next weekend). Friday I was supposed to have a date, but was in a terrible mood, so I canceled. Then I was getting a weird feeling from a guy I was supposed to go out with last night, so I canceled. I decided to swipe on Bumble a bit and was pleased to match with a guy whose face I just loved. Great smile. GREAT smile. We started messaging and I guess I assumed he was innocent. He looked innocent. So when he asked what I was looking for, I sort of downplayed the “nonmongamous FWBs” part and just said “casual FWBs”. Luckily he responded well to that and we kept chatting. So when he sent me a dick pic I had gotten a few months ago from a different guy, I was disappointed bc he had seemed so nice.

I considered just deleting him, but decided to tell himI had gotten his pic before from someone else. I didn’t expect to have a response back that had any logic to it, but to my surprise, he said that he had the pic up on FetLife and he’d heard some guys had downloaded it and were using it as their own. He offered to FaceTime with me to show me it was him, but I said I hated FaceTime, but would do it. So he then said I could also *67 call him if that made me more comfortable…and I really appreciated his focus on my comfort, lack of defensiveness, and going the extra mile. We chatted a bit about politics and and it was a good conversation, so I felt much better about meeting him. And that he was real. Even still, all day today I was a bit nervous this was an elaborate catfish. I was also incredible turned on bc he was smart, shares my politics, and has a beautiful cock (plus, seemed like he would be my physical type).

I usually don’t let guys just come over, but between being horny AF and having such a good feeling about him from our call, I decided I’d let him come over. And basically once I agree to that, the challenge is how to be most comfortable with him. He asked me to leave the door open and meet him naked. Never done that, but decided to go for it. And it was surprisingly comfortable and not weird to be greeted like that…and luckily he looked just like his pics.

After that, he basically fucked me for an hour and a half straight (with some oral thrown in) and he was clearly very into it. Told me several times he wants this to be a regular thing. So it was fantastic. A nice, hot guy who wants to fuck me on the regular? Yes please. And after so much crappy stuff with guys lately, I totally earned a fantastic fuck.

Oh, and then I got a massage. So I’m beyond beyond blissed out.

Hopefully he does become a regular partner because I will be muchhhh less stressed out if I’m getting fucked weekly by a guy that good.

Republican men seem to think wives control their husbands’ penises and women can’t decide consent for themselves. And it bugs the fuck out of me. 

1) Hillary is not Bill, nor is she responsible for his penis.

2) Monica does not see herself as a victim and if she doesn’t, why should a fat fuckface intent on pushing the patriarchy in society b/c he has no real power himself tell her she should.

3) How it ever ok to talk about sexually assaulting women? Why do republicans politicize sexual assault?

4) Why are ugly men the meanest?

Just a random Wednesday gangbang thing…

Back in December, I was supposed to have a 3some with a guy I had been talking to for literally years and another guy who I’ll call Hot AF guy.  The first guy bailed and, for whatever reason, I didn’t invite Hot AF guy over. I hadn’t met him and I actually assumed he couldn’t possibly be as gorgeous as his pics. I mean, no guy THAT hot is in med school and bi. Like, that’s a make believe porn scenario. I don’t even know people that hot in life…then Hot AF guy moved away for awhile and moved back…got in touch again. So we’ve been trying to line something up. Sunday we were supposed to have a 3some with Trade Up Guy, but TUG flaked.  So, Hot AF guy and I started trying to find someone else. Without getting into too much detail, somehow, but 4:00 yesterday, we had 4 guys lined up who all seemed nice and cool.

Look, I know inviting 4 random guys to my house for sex is probably gonna shock some people. I mean, they could kill me or something. But since I was the one bringing the group together, I figured the likelihood of them plotting to kill me was remote. And I had made it clear, if I wasn’t into it, it wasn’t happening. But fortunately, everyone who showed up was really cool, nice, professional, etc. We had a drink and then went to my room.

I’m not aware of any unawkward way to start things with 4 guys. So the first one on the bed (yay Hot AF guy! and he serious, I mean, beyond hot. Like he could and should model. While he’s going thru med school. And being super nice and chill. And having a gorgeous dick. Like…HOW IN THE HELL AM I NAKED WITH SOMEONE SO PERFECT) got my attention.  Then someone else started touching me and someone else got on the bed and all of a sudden, everyone is joining in. Well, everyone except the guy I’ll call Hot Nerd. Hot Nerd is one of those guys you would not notice on the train b/c he carries himself kind a like a dork. But he is beautiful naked and actually has a really nice face. He had warned me that he had taken adderall that day and didn’t know if he could get hard…and I guess he couldn’t 😦 weirdly, he kind of ducked out in the middle after watching awhile and not getting hard. I mean, I’m glad he just left. I don’t want anyone to feel awkward. But 😦 I exchanged a couple messages with him last night and he still is interested in meeting.

Anyway, it was sort of tag team sex. Hot AF was the only bi guy, so they didn’t do anything together. It was definitely awkward at times. Guys would go soft at inopportune times. But I realized that’s kind of the deal with a group. I think they get performance anxiety. Luckily everyone seemed laid back and cool about it all and it was all really oddly comfortable and chill. I’ve had way more awkward one on ones…

So I would definitely hook up with Hot AF guy and another guy he knew who ended up in the group again…they live pretty close to me and we got a good rhythm at the end.  The other guy who stayed…IDK. There was nothing wrong, but there was nothing super right about him either. Not sure I see the point.

It’s funny…I have said I wanted a gangbang at some point, and I guess this sort of is. But I always thought it would be super organized and planned out…and this just came together and was great.

Sadly, stuff like this is why I probably could never run for office (a thing I’ve considered). Not that these guys would talk. But someone probably would. And it hurts no one and was a fun night. But it sounds crazy to people who haven’t done it, so they judge.

And the MMF finally happened…

And it was fun. Easy. Far less of a thing than what was built up in my head, but just as hot.

I headed over to Cat’s place this afternoon and the other bi guy (I guess he needs a name…BG. Not creative, sorry) got there a few min later.  We all hung out, having a drink and chatting and it was super comfortable. I genuinely liked talking to them. We talked about sex, we talked about work. Politics. Etc.  Finally, when BG was in the bathroom, Cat came over and we started making out on his couch…then when Cat got back, he joined in.  Just everyone making out with everyone, hands everywhere…and finally we went to the bedroom and all got naked. I don’t know how to describe it because it was hard to keep track of what was happening.  Just mouths and fingers everywhere…BG fucked Cat.  Both fucked me (though didn’t do DVP or DP).  Everyone had oral with everyone…

And it was super hot, but the funniest thing (to me) was how normal it was.  I thought maybe it would seem kind of forced or awkward…nope.  It was just…lots of touching, lots of things to watch, and it was comfortable.  The only problem now is that it was so comfortable and nice, I’m going to want to do this again and again 🙂

But there are worse problems to have.

Oh, and one funny note – when I got to Cat’s place, I was waiting for him to come to the building door.  He lives on a busy, major street. Out of the corner of my eye, I see…the head business person in my firm. Who certainly knows me.  I kind of ducked my head and hoped he wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t 100% sure it was actually him until he walked past me and I could tell from behind that it was him.  I guess it’s totally legit that I’d be going to visit a friend, but I did not want to explain that one.

I actually agree with Rush Limbaugh on this…

“You know what the magic word, the only thing that matters in American sexual mores today is? You can do anything — the left will promote and understand and tolerate anything — as long as there is one element. Do you know what it is? Consent.

“If there is consent on both or all three or all four, however many are involved in the sex act, it’s perfectly fine. Whatever it is. But if the left ever senses and smells that there’s no consent in part of the equation, then here come the rape police. But consent is the magic key to the left.”

– Rush Limbaugh

Yay for good sex decisions…

Ok, first off, I don’t ever regret sex I choose to have.  Even when it isn’t good.  Even when maybe I wasn’t that into it.  Regretting sex would be like…regretting that I ate the cookie that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be.  Not really something worth focusing energy on.

BUT, a little while ago I posted this.  And I’ve been thinking about the “go with the flow” type sex.  And I’ve done that. Not in the “I don’t want to offend this guy by saying no when I really want to say no” type way.  But more…”this is awkward and not that sexy.  Will it get better? It’s not getting better.  Do I call it or just see if more effort makes it better?” type sex.  And, you know, it almost never gets better if it’s awkward.  Sex can get better from “good”. It doesn’t get better from flat out awkward. At least not in my experience.  I’m starting to pick up on signs that it will be the awkward sex.  And one commonality seems to be, for me, that I start chatting with someone, enjoy him “enough” by chat, and then agree to plans that day/evening because we both happen to have it free and I’m horny.

Yesterday I found myself doing this.  I’d exchanged a message or two with the guy the night before.  But mostly was messaging yesterday. And he was interesting enough.  I suggested meeting by his place (it was on my way home) for a drink.  He suggested a walk.  I don’t *need* a drink. But I do find walks, often, are awkward.  I asked if he had condoms if we decided to take things back to his place.  He didn’t.  And that’s when the lightbulb went off…this guy isn’t used to this kind of thing.  He might be a great guy. But he’s not used to sex with a virtual stranger.  And while nothing about the guy seemed creepy…I felt like “been there, done this. There is almost 0% chance that this ends in good sex.  It’s rushed. It’s awkward. And it’s with someone who doesn’t know the basics of casual sex…like, having condoms on hand” (I usually have condoms somewhere in my bag. Didn’t yesterday).

So, I cancelled.  And he was confused and obviously annoyed (though, seriously, I cancelled within about an hour of saying I’d meet. I don’t buy the reasoning that you moved things around for me. And even if you did, I wasn’t comfortable. So that’s enough).  He wasn’t a jerk. Just didn’t understand.  I tried to explain and he accepted it. But still made his annoyance clear.  I did say maybe we could meet during the day on Saturday. We’ll see.  I don’t know.  I didn’t like that he wasn’t more understanding of my cancellation.  If a guy cancels on me, I never guilt trip him.  If he doesn’t enthusiastically want to have sex with me, then that’s enough reason to not push things.

So I texted a guy I’ve seen a couple times before.  He needs a nickname. I’ll call him the Baseball Player b/c he’s in some kind of fairly serious, but not pro, league.  Baseball Player immediately texted back.  He was getting off work at 7.  Could come over…and we had awesome sex. Our sex is rather vanilla in many respects, but we do have awesome chemistry and I like how his body works.  Sex with him is reliably amazing.  And it was comfortable. And easy. And enjoyable..

So I’m happy I took a step back from the first guy. It’s not easy to say “no, I don’t want this” when it’s not a strong “no”, but more of a “I’m not that excited about this” no.  But it’s good to do it.