If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience. One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.
Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it. Problem is, it didn’t go so well. He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.
This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past. I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do. He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying. Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).
By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate. So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him. We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms. And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…
Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy. I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done. But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to). An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me. And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.
A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…
“Egyensúly” by Nándor Bárány, 1936 
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