Today I was told that prostitution and porn aren’t sex and women can’t consent to them by a friend who is a feminist.
And, while I absolutely understand the concerns about sex trafficking and always elevate those from a policy perspective above all else, I refuse to accept that I couldn’t go out and charge money to have sex with me. I mean, I’ve had sex that was less exciting than other sex. And I’ve had sex that wasn’t what I expected it to be. And I’ve had boring sex. And I’ve had sex to get out of an awkward situation. All of those were my choice. I have been raped. I know the difference. There is an enormous difference between being mid-fuck and thinking “I would much rather be sleeping right now, but I’ll power through it” and doing what has to be done to stay alive. So, if I wanted to have boring sex and get paid for it, eh…that’s my choice. I have options in life.
But yet…I frequently encounter women I admire, smart women, capable women, women who are well-educated, etc who are around my age…who give me parameters that have to be met for sex to be valid. For sex to be something that isn’t about the patriarchy. Some things I agree with – like consent – but others, like a loving environment….not so much. I’ve had in-love sex. It’s fantastic. I have also had raunch, kinky, not-remotely-in-love sex with men who I don’t even for sure know their names…and that’s also fantastic. But different.
If you did away with the patriarchy and religion, there would be zero reason why we’d raise an eyebrow at any adult’s safe sexual choices, whether or not money was involved, as long as everyone involved was able to and did consent. Yet those trying to smash the patriarchy often perpetuate it by saying there is a right and a wrong way to have sex.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a shit on feminists post. It is more a post about what many feminists unquestionably accept – that only men control sex outside of a loving relationship. And in doing that, women like me are infantilized. And that has scary implications.
After the 3some on Tuesday, I reached out to Trump Hat Guy to see if he’s still interested in an MMF with hot bi guy at some point. He wanted to hear all about the 3some and asked if I would let him be my main guy while I continued to sleep with other guys. I kind of hesitated…I’m not looking for a relationship after all…and asked if the thought of me “cheating” on him was exciting to him. He said that was exactly right. My response was that I was open, but we need to do a better job about being honest with each other. I’m not into being jerked around. So we made plans to see each other last night…
I had mixed feelings most of the day – excitement about hanging out with him for more than an hour, but kind of keeping my expectations in check in case he flaked on me again. And when he didn’t respond to my email about whether we were still on for a few hours, that was only magnified.
Finally he started responding – that he was still at work (I got out early) and was hoping to leave soon. He didn’t end up leaving until 6 or so, and came straight to my place. And it was just a really nice night. We ordered food, had sex on my couch, cuddled…he talked to me about some of the not so great parts of his family life and career. And also how he knows he’s terrible at communication and it has screwed up all his relationships and he really is trying harder with me than he ever does.
And then he stayed over. For me, the most intimate thing I can do with a person is sleep with them. I almost never do it and it’s not unusual for me to start having a panic-type attack about sleeping over. But with him, I just fell asleep…it was the two of us, my two dogs, and at least 2 of my cats in bed. It was cramped and I was completely relaxed.
When I woke up, I walked my dogs and came back and woke him up and we talked a bit. Then I made us breakfast before I had to head to puppy training class…
So it was the most relationship-y night I’ve had in years. There is this thing between us that I wish wasn’t there, but is. My pets flock to him when he arrives and I feel like he listens to me and kind of gets me. The age difference, the political (HUGE) differences (although he is socially liberal), and the frustrations about his shitty communication skills all kind of go away when we’re hanging out. At some point this is going to turn into a thing. Whether it does soon or if we’re still months away, I don’t know. But we seem to just be drawn to each other. And I love it and also hate it. I hate that the first guy I’ve had feelings for in years voted for Trump. I hate that I can’t even imagine telling most people I know about him – a little due to age, but mostly the politics. I hate that he’s so predictably bad at communication that he leaves me on edge. But I also really enjoy the feelings of butterflies around him. The relaxation. The comfort. That I can disagree with him on politics or talk to him about my activism and he wants to hear about it. And that he seems to know when he has to back off the teasing about politics and respect that I feel strongly and he needs to STFU.
The universe has a sick sense of humor.
1) Hillary is not Bill, nor is she responsible for his penis.
2) Monica does not see herself as a victim and if she doesn’t, why should a fat fuckface intent on pushing the patriarchy in society b/c he has no real power himself tell her she should.
3) How it ever ok to talk about sexually assaulting women? Why do republicans politicize sexual assault?
4) Why are ugly men the meanest?
A week or so again, OKC alerted me that someone had liked my profile. Normally I can’t see likes on OKC b/c I don’t pay for the service, but once in awhile, OKC wants me to know about one. And once in awhile, I actually look. And once in awhile, I’m actually interested. And sometimes out of that, the person messages me after I like them back. This was one of those times.
Nerd Boy looked Hot AF in his pics. Like the type of guy who can wear eyeliner and makeup and look hot (not that he was…but I could see it). And we seemed to really hit it off my messaging. It was clear he had his choice of women, so I had certain expectations…and then he kind of blew all of them up by letting me know he was into comic books, D&D, and bowling. Um…huh? But I kind of like that. Hot normal guys are fun, but boring. Hot nerdy guy? Bring it on.
We met early on Saturday b/c he had to be up insanely early on Sunday. I got to the bar a couple minutes before him and was not at all disappointed when he walked in. However, I don’t know about our chemistry. It was pretty comfortable, lots of laughing, but there was something that seemed like it was preventing full on chemistry. And yet…when he kissed me it was a great great kiss. It just worked. So we did end up going back to my place where we had really really great sex. But…there was that piece that just seemed to be holding back animalistic sex. Was it lack of chemistry? Lack of trust? I don’t know. I do know I really enjoyed him. And I do know that I thought he was hot AF. And the average hotness of guys I have fucked recently has been pretty damn high. (Oddly, the less I have time to give a shit about getting ready to meet someone, the hotter the partners are for sex…hmmm)
So again, I don’t know if we’ll fuck again. I’m happy if we do. Fine if we don’t. I do have a supposed 3some with the super hot bi guy lined up, so maybe that will play out this week.
And, btw, as a woman who allows myself to be used as a sex object on MY terms (terms that have nothing to do with food), fuck Pence and his fucking attitude that women can’t dine with men. That’s just discrimination. And if I want to fuck someone, food is not necessary (when was the last time I fucked after a meal? I don’t even know). I’m smarter than most men I work with and have to work twice as hard because men support each other and not women as much…but at least most of those men have the decency not to treat me like all I am is a vagina.
And I feel sorry for them. Now, I’m sure a portion of them had some kind of policy-based reason for voting (however lame I think it is). But I think many of them voted for them because their power in society is rooted in their relationships to men. It is not independent of men. I’ve done everything I can to end that dependence in my life. Not to say a woman can’t have independent power and be married/in a relationship with a man (absolutely believe a woman can), but by completely rejecting relationships, as I really have done, I feel like I’ve gained so much more power in all aspects of my life. Men aren’t a necessary part of my life. They are interesting insofar as they serve a role to me that I find useful, but it is never a necessary and indispensable role.
Anyway, found this piece interesting. It hits on many of the same topics…
(sorry for the diversion from sex talk. My feminism and my non-monogamy are inextricably linked)
Last night I met a guy who is a few years older than me for a drink. Based on pics, he looked younger than his age and seemed active. And he’s lived all over the world. So I figured I would give him a shot, despite the fact I never seem to click with men older than me.
When I showed up, he looked like his pics and I was pleasantly surprised by that. Conversation was a bit dry to begin with – work, etc. But that’s fine. I get that my proposition for dating is a bit out of the ordinary and the rules are difficult to know. Finally he starts actually flirting, telling me that he’s glad I agreed to meet him out, etc. We talk a bit about sex. Ok, I’m feeling like he’s a potential.
Then he says he voted for Bernie. That’s fine. But I say I didn’t. I voted for Hillary. And that’s when the crap I cannot deal with from men who consider themselves liberal starts…how he doesn’t understand the emails, blah blah blah. I point out that she wanted a blackberry to do her job. He doesn’t believe this. I told him I could look it up on my phone to show him. He keeps talking. He says that he doesn’t understand deleting emails because literally no one would ever do that. I say Bush did that (I thought it was thousands, but reports are millions, whatever). He didn’t believe me because he hadn’t heard that. He said that he didn’t understand why a .gov email address was being run out of her home. I said it wasn’t a .gov email address. He didn’t believe me. This is a very very very successful man who claims to be liberal. He claims he doesn’t care about spin, just facts. But when presented with facts, he disbelieved me. He relied on his own gut feeling about a woman who has been vilified for decades, rather than reconsider his position. I pointed out the misogyny of it. And he asked if I really thought that and I said I did because many of the criticisms waged against Hillary are things I’ve heard about myself throughout my career. He literally patted me on the shoulder to shush me.
No. I can talk politics with people I disagree with (see, Trump Hat Guy). But when I am dismissed and belittled for stating facts, and the facts are dismissed as they must be untrue because they run counter to beliefs based on incomplete or wrong facts, nope. I can’t do that. And especially when it perpetuates the misogyny of the left. He said he’d text me. We’ll see. Part of me wants to turn him down. But I don’t want to have sex with him. Funny that a Trump fan can have a more respectful conversation about why I like Hillary than a Bernie fan. Well, it’s not funny. It’s sad. But I have no respect for the “left” who consume garbage and don’t examine their own biases. And if you can’t respect (don’t have to like, respect) a woman who has served as SOS, Senator, worked on legislation while FLOTUS, and did a lot of other bad ass shit, I’m not going to trust that you’ll respect me as a sex partner who is just as interested in enjoying sex as you are.