Why are some people so worried about what others do sexually?

I’ve never really understood what the point of insulting people about the sexual choices is. I understand the romanticism of having one partner for life. I also (obviously) understand that there is something really fascinating about sex with different people and what insights I gain into vulnerability and trust and comfort and boundaries through that.

But obviously what I do bothers some people. No one who should care, of course. It surprises me when I get the nasty comments on the blog (which I don’t publish. For those who just want attention from being nasty, they’ll have to seek it elsewhere). It’s obviously easier to not read my blog than it is to read it and even easier not to comment than it is to comment.

Just another fascinating aspect of the power of female sexuality…it can cause strangers to make effort to try to hurt me simply because I have fantastic sex with different people (who I am completely up front with). I have to admit that reminds me that sex IS political and breaking down expectations by simply doing something that I enjoy is weirdly necessary.

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4 guys in 3 days (well, 2 dates, and 2 FWBs)

I was on vacation for a bit and before that, I had been feeling sort of low libido. But the trip was nice and relaxing and I came back feeling very jetlagged, but also ready to start exploring again.

On Monday, the guy I had met before my vacation was messaging. I guess he gets a nickname now…I guess I’ll call him Kinky Guy.  I was still super jetlagged and couldn’t imagine trying to role play or something. So I put him off even though he had been pretty fun. And then Yummy Guy texted on Wednesday and was eager to see me. I was still feeling jetlagged and crappy, so I actually put him off until Thursday.  And that’s when the fun started.

As always, Yummy Guy was perfect. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just always so satisfying to see him. Yes, the sex is always great. But there’s just something about him that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He’s just a good guy and the conversation is always so nice. I feel like the last couple times I’ve seen him it’s been even more intense since we had a couple months of not seeing each other while he was apparently dating someone. We kiss more. Get naked even faster than before. Sex is even more physical…it’s so fun.

With that out of my system, I met a new guy on Friday for drinks. I still felt like crap, but I wanted to meet him as he looked really attractive and seemed really intelligent. And he was. He was in fantastic fantastic shape and was clearly super smart. I was (still) jetlagged and he had a wedding to go to in the morning, so we kept it to drinks, but he said he wants to see me again. And I will see him. I can’t tell what the physical chemistry will be like, but he’s different than other guys I’ve met, so I’m curious to explore it.

Saturday I had a few errands (hair appt, etc), but was texting this guy I had been talking to off and on forever. He’d been low key on my radar as he looked cute, but I thought he was German because he had talked about moving to Chicago from Frankfurt…and nothing against Germans, but I’ve had such weird experiences with men from Europe and misogyny, that I sort of kept finding other guys I wanted to meet (obv plenty of American men have a misogyny problem, but I’m just tired of it all).  But then, our schedules aligned to grab an afternoon beer yesterday after my hair. I walked in and he was cuter than I expected and he had no accent. So it turns out he isn’t German – he just lived there for 5 years. I couldn’t tell if he was interested. He sort of abruptly asked for the bill (tho he said he had to meet a friend, but who knows). But then he said something about me looking sexy in my rain boots and asked for my number…and he proceeded to send some texts letting me know he was most definitely interested. So I suppose we’ll get together again sometime.

When I got home and was walking my dogs, Kinky Guy messaged again and asked what I was up to. So he ended up coming over and asked if we could role play that he was the dog walker who walked in on me playing with myself. And…the sex was really really hot. He had toys out and we tried a lot of positions, a lot of everything. I think he fucked me for about 80 minutes straight before he came. He and I are supposed to meet another couple for drinks (and possibly more) tomorrow. He’s definitely going to be a fun and adventurous FWB. Not sure he’ll take the title of favorite from Yummy Guy, but I feel really lucky to have them both as options at the moment.

What a week…bad, good, and excellent

If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience.  One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.

Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it.  Problem is, it didn’t go so well.  He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.

This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past.  I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do.  He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying.  Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).

By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate.  So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him.  We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms.  And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…

Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy.  I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done.  But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to).  An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me.  And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.

A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…

“Dress Like A Normal Person”: The Weapons of Fragile Masculinity

Great great blog post on fragile masculinity

Bitter Gertrude

egg.barany.nandor “Egyensúly” by Nándor Bárány, 1936

Krista Knight is a young playwright well-known and well-loved in the new plays community. She’s well-loved both for her work (her plays have been produced all over the country) and for her personality, which is supportive, generous, and kind. If you scroll through her Instagram (@playtrixx), you’ll see her promoting the work of other writers as often as her own. You’ll also see pictures of her unique, fabulous look– pink hair, flamboyant outfits, wide, happy grin. Everyone who knows Krista loves Krista.

So it shocked the many people who know her when she received this email from fellow playwright Tommy Smith:

krista.knight

Almost simultaneously, another man– this one an attorney– publicly berated two women at a deli in midtown Manhattan for speaking Spanish during a transaction because “this is America.” In addition to his obvious racism and his less-obvious wild hypocrisy (his own legal practice…

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I guess sometimes last minute cancellations are legitimate

A couple weeks ago, when I was in the midst of 17 cancellations or ghosts in a row, I had been chatting with a guy who seemed super nice…but the day came for us to meet and get messaged me with a weird medical issue. I thought he either was telling the truth and felt terrible, or he wasn’t and just used it as an excuse.

I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks, so I forgot about him, but a little over a week ago, he got back in touch, apologizing that he was changing jobs and he had forgotten to message. Legitimate, though annoying.

So, after some persuading, I agreed to meet Friday.  Well, Friday came and I was exhausted, so I decided to just tell him he could come over and have a drink if he wanted. So he showed up and definitely looked young. But in talking to him, he seemed very intelligent and confident. So when he eventually kissed me, I went along with it.

I can’t say the chemistry was amazing. But the sex was pretty good. Nothing amazing, but he also had an amazing dick and I enjoyed him. And he definitely had fun. I am confident of that (the messaging on his way home was a good clue).

I don’t know if I’ll try to make something happen with him again or not. I probably would respond positively if he asked me to get together again…but I don’t know if I’ll reach out.

Of course, not all cancellations are legit. I was also giving someone who had cancelled on me once a second chance on Saturday and….crickets.

The downsides of FWBs

One of the downsides of my approach is that often people want more. Or at least want to explore more. For men I’m truly fond of, I am disappointed when that time comes, but I want what will make them happy and I wish them well.

Well, it seems that time has come with Yummy Guy 😦 We messaged yesterday and he’s met someone and wants to see where it goes. In his wonderful way, he was, of course extremely transparent, nice, respectful, and complimentary of me as we were talking about it. Telling me our sex is some of the best he’s ever had (he mentioned this more than once).

I know he’s only been seeing this other woman for 3-4 weeks, so this may not be the end of Yummy Guy as a FWB. He never seemed interested in relationships that were permanent and he sounds like a person happier single than coupled…but you never know. He’s 30. And he’s attractive and successful and nice. At times I wondered if I wanted more from him, but I really didn’t. I wanted what we had. It was perfect. But now I have to say goodbye to it. I can hope that he returns, but can’t expect it.

I did have a date last night with another new guy. He was clearly successful and a really good guy and he was definitely into me. So we’re going to do something tomorrow before he leaves town. He did’t kiss me, so I’m curious about the physical side. But I can see where it goes.

But sigh. Yummy Guy was one I didn’t want to say goodbye to.

It was almost romantic

I’ve had terrible luck lately with being canceled and ghosted on before meeting…so haven’t had much to write. I did meet a hot 23 yr old on Wednesday who had a beautifully huge dick, and that was fun, but really, I don’t even know what to say about it. Guy was super hot. He seemed mature-ish for his age. Everything about him was beautiful. Sex was good to very good. I don’t know (nor do I really care) if I’ll see him again.

But yesterday I met a guy for brunch, who I’ll call “Tall Guy”, because, well, he’s tall. So we met around noon at a place that has bottomless mimosas. And we just talked for about 4 hours. At first I wasn’t sure if he was interested. He was clearly intelligent and has standards and he wasn’t overly flirty. Then I realized he was kind of a dork. Despite having a very nice face and good job…he’s a nerd. Which is totally fine with me. But it does change the dynamic in terms of how flirty a guy usually is if he’s a nerd.

He finally had to leave because he had to code something or other for the next day and it wasn’t what he usually did or something that I don’t fully understand. So we walked towards his place (which was on the way to mine), and when we got to his corner, he hugged me.  Then… we kissed. For awhile. It was the middle of the day on a busy street and we just stood there kissing. It’s been awhile since I did that. And there is something about it that is kinda romantic and sweet. And the kissing was great. In fact, when it ended, he just said “wow. I guess now I have to walk to my place with an erection.” (I’ve had a few guys who I *just* kiss tell me what a great kisser I am. Always nice to hear because there is less feedback for kissing usually, so it’s harder to adjust).

Tall Guy sent me a few more messages yesterday about how much he enjoyed meeting me and wished he wasn’t working. Which was, of course, sweet. And hopefully that means that I’ll see him again. He is traveling some this week/weekend, so it will be another week…and I do like anticipation. So, we’ll see. He’s the type of guy I would enjoy (if the sex is good) as an ongoing FWB bc he’s actually really smart and engaging.