The Frustration of Being Told by Feminists that I don’t Really Control My Own Sex Choices

Today I was told that prostitution and porn aren’t sex and women can’t consent to them by a friend who is a feminist.

And, while I absolutely understand the concerns about sex trafficking and always elevate those from a policy perspective above all else, I refuse to accept that I couldn’t go out and charge money to have sex with me. I mean, I’ve had sex that was less exciting than other sex. And I’ve had sex that wasn’t what I expected it to be. And I’ve had boring sex. And I’ve had sex to get out of an awkward situation.  All of those were my choice. I have been raped. I know the difference. There is an enormous difference between being mid-fuck and thinking “I would much rather be sleeping right now, but I’ll power through it” and doing what has to be done to stay alive. So, if I wanted to have boring sex and get paid for it, eh…that’s my choice. I have options in life.

But yet…I frequently encounter women I admire, smart women, capable women, women who are well-educated, etc who are around my age…who give me parameters that have to be met for sex to be valid. For sex to be something that isn’t about the patriarchy. Some things I agree with – like consent – but others, like a loving environment….not so much. I’ve had in-love sex. It’s fantastic. I have also had raunch, kinky, not-remotely-in-love sex with men who I don’t even for sure know their names…and that’s also fantastic. But different.

If you did away with the patriarchy and religion, there would be zero reason why we’d raise an eyebrow at any adult’s safe sexual choices, whether or not money was involved, as long as everyone involved was able to and did consent. Yet those trying to smash the patriarchy often perpetuate it by saying there is a right and a wrong way to have sex.

Don’t get me wrong, this is not a shit on feminists post. It is more a post about what many feminists unquestionably accept – that only men control sex outside of a loving relationship.  And in doing that, women like me are infantilized. And that has scary implications.

 

Trump Hat Guy is back…

Ok, admittedly when I said I was done, I was, in my mind, not necessarily forever done. More just, done with not knowing wtf was going on.  And tired of it. Unlike the other guy I got fed up with the same day, who scared me b/c of his anger, THG just was, well, a 27 yr old guy – poor communicator (oh, and last night I learned he’s, um, 26. I don’t know why I thought 27).

Yesterday afternoon, I got a text from him… “This sucks”. My response was that it did.  But I don’t have the patience to sit around and wonder if he’s going to text back or show up. That I still liked him, but I’m at a stage in my life where I’m just done with those kinds of games and how they fuck with my head.

I was with a friend and she was asking what I wanted when I responded. I said I didn’t really have an end game other than buying into the Dan Savage theory that you should leave them better than you found them when you’re the older/more experienced person. And I’m clearly stating what I can’t deal with and not trying to hurt him.  So he responded that he likes me too.  And asked if I was free…which I wasn’t (was going to a wedding as my friend’s +1).  Anyway, we had a few more texts that he’s not trying to play games (and I truly didn’t think he was…I just thought he was young, hadn’t learned good communication skills and probably was used to being bitched at whenever something wasn’t perfect, rather than accepting that life isn’t always perfect).  So, I agreed that after I went to the wedding, I would text him.

So I did, and this became sort of a situation of me deciding to trust him, be annoyed, but still keep in mind I wanted to see him. I left the wedding around 10 and told him I was on my way home. He said he was out in a neighborhood relatively close to me with his brother and would come over.  Then I learned that getting his brother to leave the bar was kind of an issue (and, to be fair, I can’t judge this too harshly – his brother has some special needs).  And apparently, unbeknownst to me, THG’s brother insisted that he get driven to get dropped off at some chick’s place 1/2 hour away or more.  Apparently this was sort of a fluid situation and wasn’t the original plan. But, of course, he doesn’t do a good job communicating with me. So, he showed up nearly an hour after he said he would (sigh). He did explain. And we talked about that I just needed explanations most of the times, and silence makes me worse.  And he acknowledged he’s terrible with time and with communication (no surprise), but said he would work on it.

And, I let him stay over. Sex wasn’t as crazy as the past times, but it was still excellent (I was tired).  We have great chemistry and I just like touching him. I didn’t freak out like I did when the other guy stayed over. But I did have trouble falling asleep. I think since I had been up past my usual bedtime, it was made worse. And then I started thinking about sleep, which doesn’t help. Eventually I took a sleeping pill. That knocked me out. But I never felt panicky or wanted him gone. I just wanted to sleep. And I wasn’t annoyed by him in the morning (a big deal to me…I get very annoyed when I wake up and someone is there).

So, we’ll see. He told me he predicted in a month, we’ll be hanging out a few times a week. But we both agreed we suck at relationships, so we’re not going to worry about that.  I guess THG is back…we’ll see how long this lasts.

A dick in the hand is worth 2 in the bush…or something like that

I’ve known for ages that 4th of July weekend would require a lot of work work on my part b/c of my schedule.  It was bound to happen and I made no solid plans.  But I have been hoping to see Trump Hat Guy.  But I’m getting mixed messages…kind of stand-offish (or busy and sick? as he claimed) during the week. Booty call text Friday night that I missed. Very very very hot texts yesterday. I don’t know. He’s a 27 yr old guy. They aren’t exactly known for being the best at clear communication and I’m not really worried he’s not interested. I do think the possibility might exist that he’s avoiding me because he’s not sure how he feels about me. Or maybe he’s busy. I keep reminding myself — time will tell. I won’t play games. Takes too much energy. And if that’s a problem, oh well. He is/was fun.

But I did get a text Friday that Superman, one of my favorite partners, was going to be working in my area on Saturday and would get off work around 2…So of course I said I’d love to see him. And it did not disappoint. He needed a shower when we got to my place and I obviously got in with him…and it was very very very fun.  When we got out, we moved to my bed where I proceeded to soak it (indeed, it was still wet when I went to bed).  He’s just a really really fun partner and I have no feelings beyond “fuck, he’s hot and his tongue is maybe the most talented tongue I’ve experienced”.  When THG texted me later, I told him that someone had just left…which he found very very hot (part of why I like him).
So, basically, I need to focus and get work done. I have 2-3 guys I might see tomorrow if I have time (I won’t see all 3. Maybe if I went crazy, 2).  And whoever of them is the sure thing will probably get the nod. It’s difficult to not make space for THG if he booty calls me again…but…we’ll figure this shit out if it’s meant to be figured out. In the meantime, I had great sex yesterday. That works.

A weekend of exactly what I expected and not so much…

Ok, I’ll get the boring out of the way first.  So, for the past year+, I’ve occasionally exchanged messages with a guy who I just couldn’t cut off the potential list entirely, but he didn’t entice me enough to really try to meet. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He was physically my type. And he seemed nice enough. But I guess he just seemed a little bit more selfish than I typically like in a hookup. But…nothing was concrete in realm. It was just a sense I got.  For whatever reason, I messaged him last week and we decided we could meet up on Saturday.  I had a haircut, he had a friend coming in town, so time was limited. And, I’ll be honest, I ran errands and stuff and didn’t try to maximize the time we had.  While I’m typically not a fan of just going over to a guy’s place, we had messaged enough, and he had been chill enough, that I decided it was fine.  So I did….and he was exactly what I expected physically (a good thing).  We chatted a bit and started hooking up…and it was fine. But nothing great.  He seemed more interested in my giving him a blow job than me having a fun time (I mean, I do give good head, so I can respect the desire, but come on…).  He wasn’t rude about it. I just left like….meh. That was exactly what I expected. It was kind of fun, but not really fun, and I don’t regret putting him off for so long. Oh well.

But I had fun plans lined up for Saturday…which totally morphed.  Originally I had been chatting with two bi-curious/leaning/interested guys separately. What they were saying they were into was so similar that I decided to throw out a 3sum meetup for Sunday. They were both in.  Guy #1 was messaging all weekend how excited he was. Guy #2 starts messaging late morning on Sunday…I put them in a group chat and they seem to be totally hitting it off…Then Guy #1 has to deal with a towed car situation (his car was apparently towed the night before). And he’s not sure he can make it.  So…I offer to Guy #2 that I could message Trump Hat Guy b/c he’s bi-ish.  I didn’t actually expect to hear back from THG b/c I hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks (we had had plans to meet up, but he was stuck at his parents’ house for Father’s day…and then just nothing).  But to my surprise, he responded almost immediately that he was thinking about me, he’s interested, he thought I was mad at him…Anyway, he’s interested in the situation, but nervous about whether he’d be into Guy #2.  Due to Pride Parade traffic, Guy #2 gets to my place no problem. THG gets stuck and it takes forever.  Guy #2 is nice. But meh. He’s a good bit chubbier than his photo and I have kind of zero desire to fuck him.  I might be able to do it if he brought a hot 3rd to the table…but I knew THG wasn’t going to be interested. So, we have a beer, chat a bit. And finally I find a way of saying that I really don’t see it being a good fit and I wasn’t comfortable. He asked if he should leave and I said yes.  I hate doing that, but it’s got to be done sometimes.  Not a minute after he leaves, THG arrives.  And he kisses me and it’s like fireworks all around.  We do have great chemistry.  So we sit down, talk awhile. We talk very very easily and comfortably.

At some point, we head to my bedroom where, of course, the sex is amazing. I mean, it’s incredible. And then we hung out and talked some more, playing some with my dogs, and then head back to my kitchen to eat something.  So, all told, he was at my place nearly 4 hours and we probably had sex for an hour or less. We talked the rest of the time.  He told me there is nothing about me he doesn’t like.  I like him.  And what the fuck! He’s 27 and voted for Trump in the primary (admits he may not in the General). I mentioned voting for Bill Clinton in my first election and joked he must have been 2 at the time…no…he was fucking 3 yrs old. Not 2. 3!  He assured me age doesn’t matter to him.  He mentions possibly meeting his brother. And like, I’m still interested. One thing I have managed to do for years is be in control of my crushes. If I don’t hear from someone, no big deal b/c there are tons of guys out there. And…I actually want to hear from THG. Not just to have sex (which I do want to have lots and lots of sex with him), but also because he interests me. He’s wicked smart, but he sees the world through a different set of lenses than I do…but it is a considered set of lenses (believe it or not), and I get curious how he gets there.  But then I talked to him about why a lot of older feminists are rather strident and the types of sexual harassment I have faced in my career…and he totally took the information in and was shocked that things that I took as “normal” actually happened.  So he’s not dismissive of such things, just underinformed. And open to info.

So fuck me. I actually like like a guy. And it happens to be a 27 yr old Trump supporter. Of all fucking people. We’ll see. As I told a friend, if he ends up being terrible, I can console myself that he’s a Trump supporter and 27.  And if he’s great, I suppose this is the fun plot twist that a Hulu Television Original based on my like would throw into the mix.

Maybe I’m Starting to Find a Rhythm…

Dating for FWBs is harder than it sounds. Obviously there are a lot of interested men…mention sex with few expectations and they tend to get interested.  But chemistry and compatibility aren’t the easiest to find. Throw in availability and it becomes even more difficult.  So I have been having more first time sex than my ideal situation would be.

But I have my fingers crossed that’s starting to change.  Before I started this blog, I had gone out with a guy who I’ll call the Sailor.  The Sailor was super interesting and had spent about a decade living on a boat and sailing the world. He wasn’t a privileged rich kid.  He just did what he wanted.  We had a perfect day together…he planned a picnic, which lead to kissing under a tree, which lead to not knowing if I could wait to get home (just a mile away) before I was naked with him.  We had great great chemistry. And then…things just didn’t line up.

He emailed this morning and asked if I might be available tonight. He got off work at 8 and wanted to see me.  I was available (well, it meant cancelling tentative plans with someone I was only mildly interested in), but would be coming from a new tattoo…and being bandaged up isn’t the sexiest.  He didn’t care.  So…finally.

My first reaction when he arrived was “crap, he’s grown a goatee”. I HATE goatees. But once he started kissing me, I realized the chemistry was still there.  And he does have excellent fingers 🙂 My only complaint about him is that he isn’t as kinky as I ideally like a guy to be, but he’s plenty sensual and that definitely is wonderful. And he definitely did not seem to be remotely turned off by all the bandages on my leg from the tattoo.

Tomorrow I may see the original Superman from this blog (and if not tomorrow, we talked about next Sunday).  And Monday, if all lines up, I get to see Sexy Geek Guy as I should be in his city for work.

Is the conversation with a 26 yr old supposed to be better than the sex?

Last night I met another 26 yr old.  I started messaging him because he looked to be my type and we had a few things in common based on his profile.  In messaging more, it seemed like we had more and more in common, plus the potential for good sexual compatibility.  So we met last night at a bar that usually has a relatively low key crowd. Unfortunately it was a stop on a bar/beer tour of Chicago at the time we were meeting and fight songs galore were breaking out (very odd at a bar that has an older punk vibe, if that makes sense).

He was really really hot. Man was he hot. Damn.  When I first walked in, I got a look that I wasn’t sure how to interpret, so I was somewhat self-conscious.  But quickly we were chatting away about various substantive things…including our mutual love for the same modern philosopher.  It was a very good vibe and after a drink, went back to my place.  I showed him around and when he kissed me, well, he was a fantastic kisser.  Unfortunately the sex was just…fine.  I think he really enjoyed it.  But I suspect he was a little more nervous than he let on and rushed things a bit. Normally, I’d sort of feel like “ok, lesson learned. He’s 26. I don’t feel like being the training ground if he hasn’t had that already”.  But…he was a super cool guy.  (And did I mention that he’s so hot???)

We ended up hanging out for about 4 hours, probably having sex/making out a total of 30-45 minutes of that. The rest of the time, just talking about dumb stuff, interesting stuff, all kinds of stuff…and it was easy.  Definitely didn’t expect that from a 26 yr old.

So, I’d like to see him again. Maybe I am willing to do a little training…he doesn’t want anything serious.  And he’s off on vacation soon and then I’m out of town, so it could be awhile before I see him. But there aren’t many guys I can discuss social justice with AND enjoy naked…Last night I was wishing for a weird time machine where a younger me could meet him in a few years. He’s totally my type of guy…except definitely not remotely in the same place in life. That, more than the age, is why he’s too young.  I can’t complain about the conversation. And, hey, he really is hot.

“So…what happens if you really like someone?”

I’ve been asked this by some of the few friends I’ve told what I’m doing (that I’m not interested in a relationship, just FWBs).

The answer is quite simple (to me).  There’s been no one I’ve really liked who is relationship material, so when I do crush on someone, I can enjoy it for what it is – a crush – especially since I have other men to get distracted by.

The even simpler answer is that is a conversation I’d have with someone, if and when it occurs that I like someone in a way where I’m not getting enough from FWBs. And we’d talk about what we both want and figure it out from there.

It’s interesting to me that neither of these seem satisfying as answers.

Is it because we’re told that we’re not really adults until we fall in love and are in a monogamous relationship? Is it because that being single is so unsatisfying? Is it because rom coms always have the strong female being whisked off her feet in some manner?

I feel like it’s more acceptable for someone to say “I will plan my life around the idea of meeting someone (who I haven’t met) and falling in love and being with them forever” than it is to say “I like my life as it is now. I see no compelling reason to change it.” And why is that? Why is it more acceptable to chase the “maybe” than it is to embrace the actual?

So, the better question is, what happens if I decide I want to change my priorities?

Answer…I’ll change them.