I use kik. That’s my rule.

I recognize there is some risk inherent in how I approach things.  I meet someone out, sometimes even let them come directly to my place, and I end up alone with them. If someone was charming enough and my radar down enough, it could be a problem. That’s just how it is. But I also figure that I’m hyper-attuned to anything that seems off. And even if a guy was a friend of a friend (or even a close friend!), he could be a rapist.But one small thing I do is that I use kik to message to exchange face pics and any other pics. Kik, for those who might not know, is a messaging app. It works just like text messaging, but you have a username you pick, so there is no exchange of more information than whatever you share to exchange.

I started this after one guy wouldn’t take no for an answer from texting and he kept texting me.  And then when I blocked him on my phone, he started messaging me through the dating app. Then when I blocked him there, he got a new number and started texting me. All we had done was exchange 3-4 messages. And he gave me a creepy vibe and I said I wasn’t interested.

I figure if he had wanted to (and maybe he did), he probably could have found out a whole lot more about me with my number and $20 or $50.  I don’t want to deal with that stress, so I use kik.

About 85% of men who contact me have a kik account. That’s lovely. About 10% of those who don’t are willing to set one up when I say I don’t exchange #s for safety reasons. And then there are the 5% who would rather not talk more than set up an account because they value having fewer apps in their life. Mind you, they are often quick to suggest I jump through email hoops to set up a throwaway account. But they won’t set up the app.

I don’t meet these men. If you can’t appreciate that I minimize risk where I can and understand why I do that, you probably suck as a partner. Interestingly, most of these men are roughly 38-50.  “My” age range.

Millennials get a bad rap. But they seriously are so much more respectful of consent and safety concerns than Gen X as a whole.

(anyway, just was starting to message someone who refused to use kik and didn’t respect my boundaries. Good riddance)

Meh. Perhaps I should give up altogether on men older than me…another bust; or, how I am fucking sick of blindly misogynistic “liberals”

Last night I met a guy who is a few years older than me for a drink. Based on pics, he looked younger than his age and seemed active. And he’s lived all over the world. So I figured I would give him a shot, despite the fact I never seem to click with men older than me.

When I showed up, he looked like his pics and I was pleasantly surprised by that.  Conversation was a bit dry to begin with – work, etc. But that’s fine. I get that my proposition for dating is a bit out of the ordinary and the rules are difficult to know.  Finally he starts actually flirting, telling me that he’s glad I agreed to meet him out, etc. We talk a bit about sex. Ok, I’m feeling like he’s a potential.

Then he says he voted for Bernie. That’s fine. But I say I didn’t. I voted for Hillary. And that’s when the crap I cannot deal with from men who consider themselves liberal starts…how he doesn’t understand the emails, blah blah blah. I point out that she wanted a blackberry to do her job. He doesn’t believe this. I told him I could look it up on my phone to show him. He keeps talking. He says that he doesn’t understand deleting emails because literally no one would ever do that. I say Bush did that (I thought it was thousands, but reports are millions, whatever). He didn’t believe me because he hadn’t heard that.  He said that he didn’t understand why a .gov email address was being run out of her home. I said it wasn’t a .gov email address. He didn’t believe me. This is a very very very successful man who claims to be liberal. He claims he doesn’t care about spin, just facts. But when presented with facts, he disbelieved me. He relied on his own gut feeling about a woman who has been vilified for decades, rather than reconsider his position. I pointed out the misogyny of it. And he asked if I really thought that and I said I did because many of the criticisms waged against Hillary are things I’ve heard about myself throughout my career. He literally patted me on the shoulder to shush me.

No. I can talk politics with people I disagree with (see, Trump Hat Guy). But when I am dismissed and belittled for stating facts, and the facts are dismissed as they must be untrue because they run counter to beliefs based on incomplete or wrong facts, nope. I can’t do that. And especially when it perpetuates the misogyny of the left.  He said he’d text me. We’ll see. Part of me wants to turn him down. But I don’t want to have sex with him. Funny that a Trump fan can have a more respectful conversation about why I like Hillary than a Bernie fan. Well, it’s not funny. It’s sad. But I have no respect for the “left” who consume garbage and don’t examine their own biases. And if you can’t respect (don’t have to like, respect) a woman who has served as SOS, Senator, worked on legislation while FLOTUS, and did a lot of other bad ass shit, I’m not going to trust that you’ll respect me as a sex partner who is just as interested in enjoying sex as you are.

Updates…

So, I haven’t posted anything for awhile because work essentially swallowed me up for a few weeks.  I was out of town, working 15 hour days, and didn’t have a lot of energy for anything.

I would be very confused by Trump Hat Guy if I hadn’t sort of processed and set aside my confusion…despite texts suggesting he really really wanted to see me before I left, he made no effort to do so.  But I got some while I was gone about how he missed me.  And we texted over the weekend after I saw he had texted at 1am Friday night (while another guy was in my bed, back to that in a minute).  He still seems into me. Says he could imagine an open relationship with me potentially in the future. Wanted to be sure I wasn’t heading towards monogamy with someone else…but still hasn’t suggested a time to meet up. I think he’s probably seeing someone who (possibly) he’s already getting bored by. I went though a little bit of jealousy of this until I reminded myself that I am also seeing other people (just in more of a seeing many people type way).  And there is zero reason for me to be pushing something with him when there are real reasons I shouldn’t be into him and there are other options for me. So I’m back in a place of emotional control that I like – if/when I see him again, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. If things develop into more, ok, fine. If they don’t, totally fine. I trust that he’s interested, to the extent that matters. I just don’t know if he can give me what I want – which is further complicated by the fact I don’t know what I want when it comes to something more than super duper casual. I know that I have the emotional capacity to care and to communicate well.  But I don’t know what I want beyond the moments of good connection that can be either good conversation or good sex or both.  So…does he still offer something I want? Probably. When he stops offering that, then I’ll cut him loose.

Ok, so other “development”, such as it is…before I had to leave town for work, I started texting an openly bi guy (like, just as into men as women, maybe even more into men).  He’s 28. Didn’t have time to meet before I left town, but we kept messaging while I was gone and it definitely developed from ‘let’s talk about sexual interests and other basics’ to something that was more about chatting, actual conversation, sharing, etc.  The last time I had that level of sharing was with my most serious ex years ago…but sex wasn’t explicitly on the table. So, given the fact this went on for more than 2 weeks and I felt very comfortable being open with him, it is fair to say I was nervous to meet him (which we set up for Friday – I got back in town late Wednesday night).  So, Friday comes around and I was less nervous that day because I’d put on the table I was nervous. And that’s all I needed to do, I guess.  He asked if he could bring his dog to my place, since he usually plays with her at the park near his place (he lives about 45 min away).  I said sure, of course…well, his dog ended up being afraid of one of my dogs (for silly dog reasons, but, whatever…she was). And I think she got jealous when this guy (um…I’ll call him Pokemon guy, bc he’s the first one who told me about Pokemon Go) was paying attention to me.  And she barks. A lot.

Pokemon guy was less hot than his hottest picture (I think he’s gained weight since then), but hotter than his least hot picture. And he had a very gentle/relaxed vibe that I responded well to. Basically, I felt very at ease with him.  So, after the dog park, we went to my place and as I was giving him the tour, he started giving me a shoulder rub, which was amazing. And when we kissed, it was very very good and natural.  So, initial impressions were…not the hottest guy I’ve hooked up with by far, but I’m super comfortable with him and kissing is great. We ended up making out on my couch a bit and went back to my room to have sex. Sex had the potential to be good, but his dog was barking like nuts the whole time and it was difficult to get into it. Plus, his dick is small. Like, not the smallest I’ve seen, but definitely small. But his oral skills were very good. I just didn’t relax enough to cum, which is fine. It was still a good interaction. We then proceeded to order food from grubhub on my phone, naked in my bed, and he was very cuddly and sweet and affectionate – little kisses, that kind of thing. And I totally felt good, not freaked out, by the affection. (So we’re into territory I rarely go anymore).  We went back to my couch to hang out while waiting for the food…he tried to massage me, but his dog was nuts. Get food, eat it…and we try some more massaging and his dog is still insane. So we go back to my room, all the dogs follow, his dog wants to be next to us while we have sex. I’m weirded out by this (his dog is big and was right next to us). So we make her get down from the bed, she continues to bark. So…basically, I can’t decide if sex between us would be any good b/c I was super distracted by his dog. And he was super stressed by her too. He said next time he’ll leave her with his parents to watch…

Since he lives kind of far away, I had told him he could stay over, which I almost never allow. And I kind of freaked out. He fell asleep right away and was snoring gently. Not even bad. But I couldn’t relax and I kept getting more and more agitated and freaked out. It was weird b/c I actually liked his body next to mine, but I also was anxious.  So I woke him up to tell him that. He asked if he should leave and I said no (and meant it) and he asked if I could tell him why I couldn’t relax…and I started crying. Not audibly. And I don’t think he knew. But I was surprised by my reaction. I said I didn’t know and did ask if he could try sleeping on his side so that he wouldn’t (maybe) snore. He was happy to comply and cuddled me and I tried to relax. Luckily then one of my cats came up to me and I could cuddle my cat and between talking about my anxiety and having a cat to cuddle, I relaxed and fell asleep. Not that I slept well. I woke up many times. But it was much better. I genuinely did enjoy his cuddling, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted, even as I enjoyed it. I know, not a lot of sense to it.

Luckily he left early b/c his dog woke up and needed to go out.

I’ve been messaging him since. And I like him. I am not annoyed by his messages (a sure sign I’m done with a person). But I’m cautious. THG asked about Pokemon guy (b/c I told him another guy was over when he messaged and he asked about him and I basically said he was a super nice, sweet guy, and sex was just so so…but he was good to hang out with) and whether I wanted a relationship with him or what. I actually am glad he asked (it was the next morning) b/c he made me articulate where I was at – I like Pokemon guy. I think he wants something more serious and monogamous than I do, but I’ve been clear with him about where I’m at.  I’ll let things play out as they play out and *try* not to overthink what anything means. If I’m honest and open, it will be fine.  And I know I don’t want monogamy, even if I end up with some kind of “partner”, so, knowing that keeps me from FOMO.

Anyway, I have another date tonight with a guy actually older than me. That rarely happens. We’ll see!

 

 

A dick in the hand is worth 2 in the bush…or something like that

I’ve known for ages that 4th of July weekend would require a lot of work work on my part b/c of my schedule.  It was bound to happen and I made no solid plans.  But I have been hoping to see Trump Hat Guy.  But I’m getting mixed messages…kind of stand-offish (or busy and sick? as he claimed) during the week. Booty call text Friday night that I missed. Very very very hot texts yesterday. I don’t know. He’s a 27 yr old guy. They aren’t exactly known for being the best at clear communication and I’m not really worried he’s not interested. I do think the possibility might exist that he’s avoiding me because he’s not sure how he feels about me. Or maybe he’s busy. I keep reminding myself — time will tell. I won’t play games. Takes too much energy. And if that’s a problem, oh well. He is/was fun.

But I did get a text Friday that Superman, one of my favorite partners, was going to be working in my area on Saturday and would get off work around 2…So of course I said I’d love to see him. And it did not disappoint. He needed a shower when we got to my place and I obviously got in with him…and it was very very very fun.  When we got out, we moved to my bed where I proceeded to soak it (indeed, it was still wet when I went to bed).  He’s just a really really fun partner and I have no feelings beyond “fuck, he’s hot and his tongue is maybe the most talented tongue I’ve experienced”.  When THG texted me later, I told him that someone had just left…which he found very very hot (part of why I like him).
So, basically, I need to focus and get work done. I have 2-3 guys I might see tomorrow if I have time (I won’t see all 3. Maybe if I went crazy, 2).  And whoever of them is the sure thing will probably get the nod. It’s difficult to not make space for THG if he booty calls me again…but…we’ll figure this shit out if it’s meant to be figured out. In the meantime, I had great sex yesterday. That works.