With the end of times coming, might as well have as much fun as possible

Ok, this headline is a bit melodramatic. But as someone who has studied the start of many genocides, it does feel like the US is brewing for something horrendous.  How it will play out is in doubt. The fact that there is systematic dehumanization of real people though is definitely going on. And I’m scared. But sex is still a great escape for me.

It’s a weird dichotomy…the part that just needs an escape sometimes and the part that knows how bad things are now. So last week was a week of profound fear and stress for me as I watched so much of our system that protects vulnerable continue to be destroyed.

Last week, I was supposed to see Yummy Guy on Wednesday, but he cancelled last minute. I was bummed, but I guess we have enough history that I don’t think he ever intentionally tries to be an ass. And he apologized. But I had canceled Kinky Guy to see Yummy Guy (I really enjoy both, but YG is just…YG. Time with him is special, even if the sex with KG may be more technically on point).

I had plans Friday with a new guy who seemed to have potential…an artist who actually was pragmatic in his outlook. So I met The Artist at a bar near me and was…not sure how I felt. He truly is sweet and he has a nice face and it was just one of those situations where I decided to flirt and see if I could get some feelings going. Eventually he paid the bill and I decided to invite him back. I was curious and figured there was one way to find out what the chemistry really was.

So, long story short (because it definitely lasted awhile), he went down on me, I did virtually nothing to him, and that was the only sex we had. It was great tho. I felt slightly bad that I did nothing to him and he went down on me and paid for drinks…but. Eh. He seemed into it and I enjoyed it.

Sunday, Kinky Guy messaged saying he was back in town from a couple days away and he was horny…fortunately, I was horny too, so I invited him over. This time he wanted to pretend he was the dog walker walking in on me tied up from a burglar and that he would save me. So I handcuffed myself and left the door open. And…sex was great.  He really knows what he’s doing and is a lot of fun.

That brings us to Monday and I was sort of wondering what was going on with YG, so I messaged him. Which lead to him coming over…and while the sex with KG is more technically great, with YG there is just this connection where every minute with him is sensual and comfortable. He’s been fucking my ass more and even that is getting better and better (or easier is maybe a better way of saying it – it was always good with him, but I would get nervous and worry it wouldn’t be good. Now I’m not nervous). My favorite part with YG is that we can chat after sex and that is as good as the sex. He’s funny and recognizes his white male privilege and never panders. It’s hot.

Finally…yesterday, the 23 (now 24) year old guy I had met back in April messaged.  I’d seen him once since the first time and the sex was really good. So he’s improving and moving up the list n terms of my enjoyment. So I invited him over. And again, the sex was great. He’s really coming around to understanding my body, though when he tried to fuck my ass, that was a hard pass on my part (his dick is pretty huge and he doesn’t take things slowly).

So now…I’m tried to decide if I invite this guy over I’ve been messaging forever. And I kinda feel sexed out for a bit. Shocking. But I do. But I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself.

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What a week…bad, good, and excellent

If you had asked me last Saturday how I felt about continuing this non-serious, non-monogamous sex thing, I would have said I was done with it. I had a bad experience.  One of those that leave you wondering whether this is worth it.

Porn Guy has moved away, but he still is messaging me and telling me how fantastic I am. So he wanted to do something fun for me – set me up with a guy he’s set some other women up with for some hot sex. Not my usual approach, but why not? The guy seemed normal by messaging, and I decided to go for it.  Problem is, it didn’t go so well.  He immediately wanted me to suck him off and came right away, but wanted me to get him hard again. So already this seems kind of selfish, but decided I would try for it. The problem is, he crossed the one line I have and had told him about – don’t push my head down or gag me during oral. He kept doing it.

This is one of those things that I can’t process and at some point go into a blind rage/fear with. Bad experiences in my past.  I told him it wasn’t working and he needed to leave. But of course I was nice. Because that’s what I’m trained to do.  He left and I crumbled and spent an hour or so crying.  Luckily as I raged at Porn Guy by message, he was great. He didn’t question my perception. He didn’t try to tell me men weren’t trash. He asked me if I felt I should go to authorities. He legitimized it all. Which was needed and appreciated. (And as I told him, it was the type of thing where I was angry and felt horrible, but it wasn’t illegal what happened).

By early in the week, I was starting to feel normal again. I had gotten some distance from the ptsd triggering stuff and was just…angry. And I knew that was appropriate. Know it is appropriate.  So on Wednesday I agreed to meet a guy I have been talking to for months and had almost written off a number of times – but each time I would feel like I was going to write him off, he would seem interesting and sweet. So I met him for a drink last minute on Wednesday. And it was good. He was more attractive than I expected. More charming too. And I was into him.  We went to my place where he also made sex interesting. It takes a lot of confidence to dig through my toys and use a dildo and butt plug on me while telling me to play with a vibrator…and then fuck me to the point of having several orgasms.  And he was nice. And respectful. So that was a huge upgrade in the week…

Then imagine my surprise to walk out of a massage last night to find a text from Yummy Guy.  I’d been thinking about him lately. And yes, I missed him. But I also accepted the limitations of what I have to offer and also what I think we could be to each other. And resigned myself it was done.  But then…a “I know it’s last minute, but any chance you’d want to get together tonight” text…(which, duh, of course I said yes to).  An hour later, he was at my place and looked fucking fine as hell. And within about a minute (maybe 2) he was inside of me.  And just said “let’s never stop fucking. Let’s always fuck”…I don’t know if he meant it, but he clearly missed my body (and I had missed his) and the sex was incredibly intense.

A few times he started at me a little longer than I was comfortable with, but not in a bad way. Just in a raw way. So I don’t know what is going on there. What he’s feeling. And I don’t know that I’m into talking about it at this point. I’m happy to just see the door open again with him and enjoy that door being open. Because there is just something about him…

Another night with Yummy Guy

Yesterday I was thinking that I really wanted to see Yummy Guy because I knew that would keep my feelings about Porn Star Guy in check. But I’d exchanged messages with Yummy Guy last week, and we had tried to meet, but he was too slammed with work and I didn’t expect to hear from him until the end of the month. So seeing a message from him pop up on my phone yesterday was definitely a treat and I was excited to see him.  He was going to be coming straight from work, and I was coming straight from pilates, so we decided to shower when he arrived, which was a first for us together. I do think shower sex is generally overrated, but any naked time with him is great.

While showering, he mentioned he had to pee and asked if he could pee on me. I’ve never done that, but I certainly was ok with it…and he said he’d never done it. I think we were kind of both left wondering if it was hot or not. But I appreciated him asking and being willing to try something different.

Again, he told me over and over how I always look so good and how he loves looking at me. This is why he’s so great. He definitely acts like he feels lucky to be fucking me. And I spend the entire time in awe that a guy as hot as he is, with as much going for him as he does, wants to fuck dorky me.

I hope Porn Guy can become a regular thing. And that Yummy Guy stays in the rotation. If I could find one more guy I was equally enamored about sex with, that would be pretty perfect (with a few one offs). Porn Guy mentioned yesterday getting together this weekend, so fingers crossed on that one.

Ending the weekend being fucked by a porn star followed by a massage…

Ok, porn star is probably an exaggeration, but an hour into being fucked by a guy with amazing skills, he told me that he had done porn for a year and a half in his early 20s. I’m pretty sure that’s a first.

I’ve been super busy lately, and have had some fun, but the past couple weeks have been boring. Between work and some political stuff I’m involved with, I’ve had very little time. I did go on a date with a super super sweet guy last Sunday, but it got to be late and I had my period, so I just made out with him a bit (but may see him next weekend). Friday I was supposed to have a date, but was in a terrible mood, so I canceled. Then I was getting a weird feeling from a guy I was supposed to go out with last night, so I canceled. I decided to swipe on Bumble a bit and was pleased to match with a guy whose face I just loved. Great smile. GREAT smile. We started messaging and I guess I assumed he was innocent. He looked innocent. So when he asked what I was looking for, I sort of downplayed the “nonmongamous FWBs” part and just said “casual FWBs”. Luckily he responded well to that and we kept chatting. So when he sent me a dick pic I had gotten a few months ago from a different guy, I was disappointed bc he had seemed so nice.

I considered just deleting him, but decided to tell himI had gotten his pic before from someone else. I didn’t expect to have a response back that had any logic to it, but to my surprise, he said that he had the pic up on FetLife and he’d heard some guys had downloaded it and were using it as their own. He offered to FaceTime with me to show me it was him, but I said I hated FaceTime, but would do it. So he then said I could also *67 call him if that made me more comfortable…and I really appreciated his focus on my comfort, lack of defensiveness, and going the extra mile. We chatted a bit about politics and and it was a good conversation, so I felt much better about meeting him. And that he was real. Even still, all day today I was a bit nervous this was an elaborate catfish. I was also incredible turned on bc he was smart, shares my politics, and has a beautiful cock (plus, seemed like he would be my physical type).

I usually don’t let guys just come over, but between being horny AF and having such a good feeling about him from our call, I decided I’d let him come over. And basically once I agree to that, the challenge is how to be most comfortable with him. He asked me to leave the door open and meet him naked. Never done that, but decided to go for it. And it was surprisingly comfortable and not weird to be greeted like that…and luckily he looked just like his pics.

After that, he basically fucked me for an hour and a half straight (with some oral thrown in) and he was clearly very into it. Told me several times he wants this to be a regular thing. So it was fantastic. A nice, hot guy who wants to fuck me on the regular? Yes please. And after so much crappy stuff with guys lately, I totally earned a fantastic fuck.

Oh, and then I got a massage. So I’m beyond beyond blissed out.

Hopefully he does become a regular partner because I will be muchhhh less stressed out if I’m getting fucked weekly by a guy that good.