What’s too young?

When I was working out yesterday, I realized that if I added the ages together of the 2 guys I had sex with last week, their combined age was only about 9 years older than me…closer than I am to either of them. I’m fine with that. I have a few friends who have husbands 15-20 years older and that seems like no big deal…but I don’t know anyone with the situation flipped.

I find younger guys are more respectful of me. Maybe because we’re at different points in life, there is less competition. And younger guys tend to be kinkier, more open-minded, more into casual…it just works for me. I didn’t expect that to be the case, and had NO idea that all these younger guys were into older women.  I look at pics of myself from my 20s and while I was certainly hotter (IMO), I didn’t have the confidence I do now. So I get it. It’s just a little weird when I see a guy and know that the last woman he slept with was close to 20 years younger than me…am I in competition with these women? I don’t want to be.

So what’s too young? I have sort of arbitrarily set the age at 24, though I haven’t hooked up with anyone younger than 26. My thinking has been that the brain is fully developed around 24, so I’m not taking advantage of someone improperly. But one male podcaster in his late 20s who I listen to thinks that all women over 45 (not there yet) should fuck a college-age person at some point to show them how to have good sex…It makes sense to me. But I haven’t done that and don’t know that I could. So I don’t know what is too young. And I don’t know that I could get into a guy younger than 25/26…but I never thought a 26 yr old would actually be more than a fuck buddy to me and, well, Trump Hat Guy has made me question that. So I don’t know what is too young if a guy seemed mature (I mean, obviously someone would be a legal adult, that’s a given. I mean beyond that).

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Ahhhh. yes. that was good. very good

I had a boring weekend. Sort of by plan, sort of by happenstance. I needed it. I wanted it. But I also was feeling like I really wanted some nice pleasure. But I didn’t feel like meeting someone new and I didn’t really feel like trying to line things up with someone “old”.  So basically, I didn’t do anything. But yesterday on my run I was thinking about Superman. Wondering what he’d been up to. Hoping I’d get to see him soon. And vowing to text when I got home.  Which I promptly forgot about b/c I find that what I think about during runs leaves me as soon as I finish the run.

And then a few hours later, “Hey. How’s it going?” from Superman…did he know I was thinking about him naked? Probably…so I told him I’d been thinking about him. Turns out he obv was thinking about me.  We make plans to meet next weekend, but I said to let me know if he’s ever in my ‘hood b/c you never know if our schedules would line up. He pointed out he gets off mid-afternoon. I said, “well, for example, tomorrow I have a call at 6:30am, so I’m just going to work from home.”  This morning he texts asking me if he wants me to swing by when he’s done. Um. YES. Please god yes.

It took a little scheduling to pull it off, but he got to my place late afternoon.  The thing about our energy is that we’re kind of friendly/pals, both a little awkward and slightly shy, then we get naked and just know how to touch each other and lick each other. Or he does me. And I am pretty sure it’s mutual. So we’re chatting, he gets in the shower, I go and give my dogs chew treats (seriously, they have been sooo annoying since I got the new cat. They don’t like that she sits outside my door with them and that makes them barky. gah. I need a solution b/c the chew treat only lasted for 10 min or so).  I join Superman in the shower and he starts touching me and…fuck yes. It’s on. After some light shower oral, we get out and he just buries his face in me and I can’t remember the last time I truly fully and totally came during oral, but I did. For soooooo long.  Then he starts fingering me and I start soaking my bed.  And I feel like I’ve had countless orgasms as a warm up.  He was so close to coming that I don’t even think I gave my best effort for a blow job before he came.  And he was immediately hard right after because, you know, he’s 27. And I guess 27 year old guys can do that. So I climb on top and it’s just ok, a little awkward and then, omg. He finds the spot.  And I just start this endless orgasm that soaks the bed. By the time he climbs behind me, I’m pretty much toast, but I was able to keep low grade coming until he came again.

And then, like a good FWB, he got dressed to leave. Don’t get me wrong, some FWBs are great for conversation. He’s not one of them. He is soooo sweet. And doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. And he is hot AF IMO. But our conversations are kind of shallow and I’m fine with that. He is almost the perfect FWB. The sex is top notch. He’s nothing but respectful and sweet and easy. And I don’t have to worry about real feelings for him. If he met someone and disappeared with her, I’d be genuinely happy for him. And if we keep up an every month to 6 months fucking schedule for the next 10 years, I’d also be thrilled.

I use kik. That’s my rule.

I recognize there is some risk inherent in how I approach things.  I meet someone out, sometimes even let them come directly to my place, and I end up alone with them. If someone was charming enough and my radar down enough, it could be a problem. That’s just how it is. But I also figure that I’m hyper-attuned to anything that seems off. And even if a guy was a friend of a friend (or even a close friend!), he could be a rapist.But one small thing I do is that I use kik to message to exchange face pics and any other pics. Kik, for those who might not know, is a messaging app. It works just like text messaging, but you have a username you pick, so there is no exchange of more information than whatever you share to exchange.

I started this after one guy wouldn’t take no for an answer from texting and he kept texting me.  And then when I blocked him on my phone, he started messaging me through the dating app. Then when I blocked him there, he got a new number and started texting me. All we had done was exchange 3-4 messages. And he gave me a creepy vibe and I said I wasn’t interested.

I figure if he had wanted to (and maybe he did), he probably could have found out a whole lot more about me with my number and $20 or $50.  I don’t want to deal with that stress, so I use kik.

About 85% of men who contact me have a kik account. That’s lovely. About 10% of those who don’t are willing to set one up when I say I don’t exchange #s for safety reasons. And then there are the 5% who would rather not talk more than set up an account because they value having fewer apps in their life. Mind you, they are often quick to suggest I jump through email hoops to set up a throwaway account. But they won’t set up the app.

I don’t meet these men. If you can’t appreciate that I minimize risk where I can and understand why I do that, you probably suck as a partner. Interestingly, most of these men are roughly 38-50.  “My” age range.

Millennials get a bad rap. But they seriously are so much more respectful of consent and safety concerns than Gen X as a whole.

(anyway, just was starting to message someone who refused to use kik and didn’t respect my boundaries. Good riddance)

Meh. Perhaps I should give up altogether on men older than me…another bust; or, how I am fucking sick of blindly misogynistic “liberals”

Last night I met a guy who is a few years older than me for a drink. Based on pics, he looked younger than his age and seemed active. And he’s lived all over the world. So I figured I would give him a shot, despite the fact I never seem to click with men older than me.

When I showed up, he looked like his pics and I was pleasantly surprised by that.  Conversation was a bit dry to begin with – work, etc. But that’s fine. I get that my proposition for dating is a bit out of the ordinary and the rules are difficult to know.  Finally he starts actually flirting, telling me that he’s glad I agreed to meet him out, etc. We talk a bit about sex. Ok, I’m feeling like he’s a potential.

Then he says he voted for Bernie. That’s fine. But I say I didn’t. I voted for Hillary. And that’s when the crap I cannot deal with from men who consider themselves liberal starts…how he doesn’t understand the emails, blah blah blah. I point out that she wanted a blackberry to do her job. He doesn’t believe this. I told him I could look it up on my phone to show him. He keeps talking. He says that he doesn’t understand deleting emails because literally no one would ever do that. I say Bush did that (I thought it was thousands, but reports are millions, whatever). He didn’t believe me because he hadn’t heard that.  He said that he didn’t understand why a .gov email address was being run out of her home. I said it wasn’t a .gov email address. He didn’t believe me. This is a very very very successful man who claims to be liberal. He claims he doesn’t care about spin, just facts. But when presented with facts, he disbelieved me. He relied on his own gut feeling about a woman who has been vilified for decades, rather than reconsider his position. I pointed out the misogyny of it. And he asked if I really thought that and I said I did because many of the criticisms waged against Hillary are things I’ve heard about myself throughout my career. He literally patted me on the shoulder to shush me.

No. I can talk politics with people I disagree with (see, Trump Hat Guy). But when I am dismissed and belittled for stating facts, and the facts are dismissed as they must be untrue because they run counter to beliefs based on incomplete or wrong facts, nope. I can’t do that. And especially when it perpetuates the misogyny of the left.  He said he’d text me. We’ll see. Part of me wants to turn him down. But I don’t want to have sex with him. Funny that a Trump fan can have a more respectful conversation about why I like Hillary than a Bernie fan. Well, it’s not funny. It’s sad. But I have no respect for the “left” who consume garbage and don’t examine their own biases. And if you can’t respect (don’t have to like, respect) a woman who has served as SOS, Senator, worked on legislation while FLOTUS, and did a lot of other bad ass shit, I’m not going to trust that you’ll respect me as a sex partner who is just as interested in enjoying sex as you are.

Updates…

So, I haven’t posted anything for awhile because work essentially swallowed me up for a few weeks.  I was out of town, working 15 hour days, and didn’t have a lot of energy for anything.

I would be very confused by Trump Hat Guy if I hadn’t sort of processed and set aside my confusion…despite texts suggesting he really really wanted to see me before I left, he made no effort to do so.  But I got some while I was gone about how he missed me.  And we texted over the weekend after I saw he had texted at 1am Friday night (while another guy was in my bed, back to that in a minute).  He still seems into me. Says he could imagine an open relationship with me potentially in the future. Wanted to be sure I wasn’t heading towards monogamy with someone else…but still hasn’t suggested a time to meet up. I think he’s probably seeing someone who (possibly) he’s already getting bored by. I went though a little bit of jealousy of this until I reminded myself that I am also seeing other people (just in more of a seeing many people type way).  And there is zero reason for me to be pushing something with him when there are real reasons I shouldn’t be into him and there are other options for me. So I’m back in a place of emotional control that I like – if/when I see him again, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. If things develop into more, ok, fine. If they don’t, totally fine. I trust that he’s interested, to the extent that matters. I just don’t know if he can give me what I want – which is further complicated by the fact I don’t know what I want when it comes to something more than super duper casual. I know that I have the emotional capacity to care and to communicate well.  But I don’t know what I want beyond the moments of good connection that can be either good conversation or good sex or both.  So…does he still offer something I want? Probably. When he stops offering that, then I’ll cut him loose.

Ok, so other “development”, such as it is…before I had to leave town for work, I started texting an openly bi guy (like, just as into men as women, maybe even more into men).  He’s 28. Didn’t have time to meet before I left town, but we kept messaging while I was gone and it definitely developed from ‘let’s talk about sexual interests and other basics’ to something that was more about chatting, actual conversation, sharing, etc.  The last time I had that level of sharing was with my most serious ex years ago…but sex wasn’t explicitly on the table. So, given the fact this went on for more than 2 weeks and I felt very comfortable being open with him, it is fair to say I was nervous to meet him (which we set up for Friday – I got back in town late Wednesday night).  So, Friday comes around and I was less nervous that day because I’d put on the table I was nervous. And that’s all I needed to do, I guess.  He asked if he could bring his dog to my place, since he usually plays with her at the park near his place (he lives about 45 min away).  I said sure, of course…well, his dog ended up being afraid of one of my dogs (for silly dog reasons, but, whatever…she was). And I think she got jealous when this guy (um…I’ll call him Pokemon guy, bc he’s the first one who told me about Pokemon Go) was paying attention to me.  And she barks. A lot.

Pokemon guy was less hot than his hottest picture (I think he’s gained weight since then), but hotter than his least hot picture. And he had a very gentle/relaxed vibe that I responded well to. Basically, I felt very at ease with him.  So, after the dog park, we went to my place and as I was giving him the tour, he started giving me a shoulder rub, which was amazing. And when we kissed, it was very very good and natural.  So, initial impressions were…not the hottest guy I’ve hooked up with by far, but I’m super comfortable with him and kissing is great. We ended up making out on my couch a bit and went back to my room to have sex. Sex had the potential to be good, but his dog was barking like nuts the whole time and it was difficult to get into it. Plus, his dick is small. Like, not the smallest I’ve seen, but definitely small. But his oral skills were very good. I just didn’t relax enough to cum, which is fine. It was still a good interaction. We then proceeded to order food from grubhub on my phone, naked in my bed, and he was very cuddly and sweet and affectionate – little kisses, that kind of thing. And I totally felt good, not freaked out, by the affection. (So we’re into territory I rarely go anymore).  We went back to my couch to hang out while waiting for the food…he tried to massage me, but his dog was nuts. Get food, eat it…and we try some more massaging and his dog is still insane. So we go back to my room, all the dogs follow, his dog wants to be next to us while we have sex. I’m weirded out by this (his dog is big and was right next to us). So we make her get down from the bed, she continues to bark. So…basically, I can’t decide if sex between us would be any good b/c I was super distracted by his dog. And he was super stressed by her too. He said next time he’ll leave her with his parents to watch…

Since he lives kind of far away, I had told him he could stay over, which I almost never allow. And I kind of freaked out. He fell asleep right away and was snoring gently. Not even bad. But I couldn’t relax and I kept getting more and more agitated and freaked out. It was weird b/c I actually liked his body next to mine, but I also was anxious.  So I woke him up to tell him that. He asked if he should leave and I said no (and meant it) and he asked if I could tell him why I couldn’t relax…and I started crying. Not audibly. And I don’t think he knew. But I was surprised by my reaction. I said I didn’t know and did ask if he could try sleeping on his side so that he wouldn’t (maybe) snore. He was happy to comply and cuddled me and I tried to relax. Luckily then one of my cats came up to me and I could cuddle my cat and between talking about my anxiety and having a cat to cuddle, I relaxed and fell asleep. Not that I slept well. I woke up many times. But it was much better. I genuinely did enjoy his cuddling, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted, even as I enjoyed it. I know, not a lot of sense to it.

Luckily he left early b/c his dog woke up and needed to go out.

I’ve been messaging him since. And I like him. I am not annoyed by his messages (a sure sign I’m done with a person). But I’m cautious. THG asked about Pokemon guy (b/c I told him another guy was over when he messaged and he asked about him and I basically said he was a super nice, sweet guy, and sex was just so so…but he was good to hang out with) and whether I wanted a relationship with him or what. I actually am glad he asked (it was the next morning) b/c he made me articulate where I was at – I like Pokemon guy. I think he wants something more serious and monogamous than I do, but I’ve been clear with him about where I’m at.  I’ll let things play out as they play out and *try* not to overthink what anything means. If I’m honest and open, it will be fine.  And I know I don’t want monogamy, even if I end up with some kind of “partner”, so, knowing that keeps me from FOMO.

Anyway, I have another date tonight with a guy actually older than me. That rarely happens. We’ll see!

 

 

How NOT to impress me…

This morning, I had a message from a guy about my age who appeared attractive, had a cute dog, message was normal enough…I responded.

And I have gotten 3 lengthy responses back. Along with “let’s meet tonight”.  Mind you, all I sent was a message saying hi, asking how he was doing, and saying I don’t text with someone I haven’t met yet (use kik instead). And he pukes up a crap ton of information to me.

I’m sure some women like that. I find it a little…”chill out, dude. If I want a wall of text, I’ll open a work email.”  And I feel like this is often a problem with men my age and why I don’t seem to meet anyone my own age. Granted, a lot of men my age are coupled and they aren’t dating. So the pool is smaller.  But they take the limited information I give them in my profile and extract this whole thing about things I am interested in and they demonstrate that, far from an organic-developing casual thing, they want a BFF for life. Which I’m not looking for.

The worst example of this was a guy I was semi-set up with.  So, he had apparently messaged me. I’m not sure if I didn’t read his message b/c I didn’t open it or because I did open it and it was a wall of text.  But a guy I went out with a year or so ago messaged me and said he thought I would get along with this other guy. So I gave him a chance.  I’ll be honest, I barely looked at his profile or message before meeting…HE BROUGHT ME A PRINT OUT OF HIS ORIGINAL MESSAGE TO ME TO GIVE TO ME AFTER HE READ IT TO ME AT THE BAR.  Let’s put it this way, the message was at least twice as long as this blog post.

So guys, women…chill out at first. It’s great when you actually have something to be excited about to talk about. And I’m not advocating for boring-ass answers. But if you read your answer back and it is too fucking long…shorten it.

A weekend of exactly what I expected and not so much…

Ok, I’ll get the boring out of the way first.  So, for the past year+, I’ve occasionally exchanged messages with a guy who I just couldn’t cut off the potential list entirely, but he didn’t entice me enough to really try to meet. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He was physically my type. And he seemed nice enough. But I guess he just seemed a little bit more selfish than I typically like in a hookup. But…nothing was concrete in realm. It was just a sense I got.  For whatever reason, I messaged him last week and we decided we could meet up on Saturday.  I had a haircut, he had a friend coming in town, so time was limited. And, I’ll be honest, I ran errands and stuff and didn’t try to maximize the time we had.  While I’m typically not a fan of just going over to a guy’s place, we had messaged enough, and he had been chill enough, that I decided it was fine.  So I did….and he was exactly what I expected physically (a good thing).  We chatted a bit and started hooking up…and it was fine. But nothing great.  He seemed more interested in my giving him a blow job than me having a fun time (I mean, I do give good head, so I can respect the desire, but come on…).  He wasn’t rude about it. I just left like….meh. That was exactly what I expected. It was kind of fun, but not really fun, and I don’t regret putting him off for so long. Oh well.

But I had fun plans lined up for Saturday…which totally morphed.  Originally I had been chatting with two bi-curious/leaning/interested guys separately. What they were saying they were into was so similar that I decided to throw out a 3sum meetup for Sunday. They were both in.  Guy #1 was messaging all weekend how excited he was. Guy #2 starts messaging late morning on Sunday…I put them in a group chat and they seem to be totally hitting it off…Then Guy #1 has to deal with a towed car situation (his car was apparently towed the night before). And he’s not sure he can make it.  So…I offer to Guy #2 that I could message Trump Hat Guy b/c he’s bi-ish.  I didn’t actually expect to hear back from THG b/c I hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks (we had had plans to meet up, but he was stuck at his parents’ house for Father’s day…and then just nothing).  But to my surprise, he responded almost immediately that he was thinking about me, he’s interested, he thought I was mad at him…Anyway, he’s interested in the situation, but nervous about whether he’d be into Guy #2.  Due to Pride Parade traffic, Guy #2 gets to my place no problem. THG gets stuck and it takes forever.  Guy #2 is nice. But meh. He’s a good bit chubbier than his photo and I have kind of zero desire to fuck him.  I might be able to do it if he brought a hot 3rd to the table…but I knew THG wasn’t going to be interested. So, we have a beer, chat a bit. And finally I find a way of saying that I really don’t see it being a good fit and I wasn’t comfortable. He asked if he should leave and I said yes.  I hate doing that, but it’s got to be done sometimes.  Not a minute after he leaves, THG arrives.  And he kisses me and it’s like fireworks all around.  We do have great chemistry.  So we sit down, talk awhile. We talk very very easily and comfortably.

At some point, we head to my bedroom where, of course, the sex is amazing. I mean, it’s incredible. And then we hung out and talked some more, playing some with my dogs, and then head back to my kitchen to eat something.  So, all told, he was at my place nearly 4 hours and we probably had sex for an hour or less. We talked the rest of the time.  He told me there is nothing about me he doesn’t like.  I like him.  And what the fuck! He’s 27 and voted for Trump in the primary (admits he may not in the General). I mentioned voting for Bill Clinton in my first election and joked he must have been 2 at the time…no…he was fucking 3 yrs old. Not 2. 3!  He assured me age doesn’t matter to him.  He mentions possibly meeting his brother. And like, I’m still interested. One thing I have managed to do for years is be in control of my crushes. If I don’t hear from someone, no big deal b/c there are tons of guys out there. And…I actually want to hear from THG. Not just to have sex (which I do want to have lots and lots of sex with him), but also because he interests me. He’s wicked smart, but he sees the world through a different set of lenses than I do…but it is a considered set of lenses (believe it or not), and I get curious how he gets there.  But then I talked to him about why a lot of older feminists are rather strident and the types of sexual harassment I have faced in my career…and he totally took the information in and was shocked that things that I took as “normal” actually happened.  So he’s not dismissive of such things, just underinformed. And open to info.

So fuck me. I actually like like a guy. And it happens to be a 27 yr old Trump supporter. Of all fucking people. We’ll see. As I told a friend, if he ends up being terrible, I can console myself that he’s a Trump supporter and 27.  And if he’s great, I suppose this is the fun plot twist that a Hulu Television Original based on my like would throw into the mix.