GAHHH…Dumb emotions again

After the 3some on Tuesday, I reached out to Trump Hat Guy to see if he’s still interested in an MMF with hot bi guy at some point.  He wanted to hear all about the 3some and asked if I would let him be my main guy while I continued to sleep with other guys.  I kind of hesitated…I’m not looking for a relationship after all…and asked if the thought of me “cheating” on him was exciting to him. He said that was exactly right. My response was that I was open, but we need to do a better job about being honest with each other. I’m not into being jerked around.  So we made plans to see each other last night…

I had mixed feelings most of the day – excitement about hanging out with him for more than an hour, but kind of keeping my expectations in check in case he flaked on me again.  And when he didn’t respond to my email about whether we were still on for a few hours, that was only  magnified.

Finally he started responding – that he was still at work (I got out early) and was hoping to leave soon.  He didn’t end up leaving until 6 or so, and came straight to my place.  And it was just a really nice night. We ordered food, had sex on my couch, cuddled…he talked to me about some of the not so great parts of his family life and career.  And also how he knows he’s terrible at communication and it has screwed up all his relationships and he really is trying harder with me than he ever does.

And then he stayed over. For me, the most intimate thing I can do with a person is sleep with them.  I almost never do it and it’s not unusual for me to start having a panic-type attack about sleeping over.  But with him, I just fell asleep…it was the two of us, my two dogs, and at least 2 of my cats in bed.  It was cramped and I was completely relaxed.

When I woke up, I walked my dogs and came back and woke him up and we talked a bit. Then I made us breakfast before I had to head to puppy training class…

So it was the most relationship-y night I’ve had in years. There is this thing between us that I wish wasn’t there, but is. My pets flock to him when he arrives and I feel like he listens to me and kind of gets me. The age difference, the political (HUGE) differences (although he is socially liberal), and the frustrations about his shitty communication skills all kind of go away when we’re hanging out. At some point this is going to turn into a thing. Whether it does soon or if we’re still months away, I don’t know. But we seem to just be drawn to each other. And I love it and also hate it. I hate that the first guy I’ve had feelings for in years voted for Trump. I hate that I can’t even imagine telling most people I know about him – a little due to age, but mostly the politics.  I hate that he’s so predictably bad at communication that he leaves me on edge. But I also really enjoy the feelings of butterflies around him. The relaxation. The comfort. That I can disagree with him on politics or talk to him about my activism and he wants to hear about it. And that he seems to know when he has to back off the teasing about politics and respect that I feel strongly and he needs to STFU.

The universe has a sick sense of humor.

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