So, I haven’t posted anything for awhile because work essentially swallowed me up for a few weeks.  I was out of town, working 15 hour days, and didn’t have a lot of energy for anything.

I would be very confused by Trump Hat Guy if I hadn’t sort of processed and set aside my confusion…despite texts suggesting he really really wanted to see me before I left, he made no effort to do so.  But I got some while I was gone about how he missed me.  And we texted over the weekend after I saw he had texted at 1am Friday night (while another guy was in my bed, back to that in a minute).  He still seems into me. Says he could imagine an open relationship with me potentially in the future. Wanted to be sure I wasn’t heading towards monogamy with someone else…but still hasn’t suggested a time to meet up. I think he’s probably seeing someone who (possibly) he’s already getting bored by. I went though a little bit of jealousy of this until I reminded myself that I am also seeing other people (just in more of a seeing many people type way).  And there is zero reason for me to be pushing something with him when there are real reasons I shouldn’t be into him and there are other options for me. So I’m back in a place of emotional control that I like – if/when I see him again, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. If things develop into more, ok, fine. If they don’t, totally fine. I trust that he’s interested, to the extent that matters. I just don’t know if he can give me what I want – which is further complicated by the fact I don’t know what I want when it comes to something more than super duper casual. I know that I have the emotional capacity to care and to communicate well.  But I don’t know what I want beyond the moments of good connection that can be either good conversation or good sex or both.  So…does he still offer something I want? Probably. When he stops offering that, then I’ll cut him loose.

Ok, so other “development”, such as it is…before I had to leave town for work, I started texting an openly bi guy (like, just as into men as women, maybe even more into men).  He’s 28. Didn’t have time to meet before I left town, but we kept messaging while I was gone and it definitely developed from ‘let’s talk about sexual interests and other basics’ to something that was more about chatting, actual conversation, sharing, etc.  The last time I had that level of sharing was with my most serious ex years ago…but sex wasn’t explicitly on the table. So, given the fact this went on for more than 2 weeks and I felt very comfortable being open with him, it is fair to say I was nervous to meet him (which we set up for Friday – I got back in town late Wednesday night).  So, Friday comes around and I was less nervous that day because I’d put on the table I was nervous. And that’s all I needed to do, I guess.  He asked if he could bring his dog to my place, since he usually plays with her at the park near his place (he lives about 45 min away).  I said sure, of course…well, his dog ended up being afraid of one of my dogs (for silly dog reasons, but, whatever…she was). And I think she got jealous when this guy (um…I’ll call him Pokemon guy, bc he’s the first one who told me about Pokemon Go) was paying attention to me.  And she barks. A lot.

Pokemon guy was less hot than his hottest picture (I think he’s gained weight since then), but hotter than his least hot picture. And he had a very gentle/relaxed vibe that I responded well to. Basically, I felt very at ease with him.  So, after the dog park, we went to my place and as I was giving him the tour, he started giving me a shoulder rub, which was amazing. And when we kissed, it was very very good and natural.  So, initial impressions were…not the hottest guy I’ve hooked up with by far, but I’m super comfortable with him and kissing is great. We ended up making out on my couch a bit and went back to my room to have sex. Sex had the potential to be good, but his dog was barking like nuts the whole time and it was difficult to get into it. Plus, his dick is small. Like, not the smallest I’ve seen, but definitely small. But his oral skills were very good. I just didn’t relax enough to cum, which is fine. It was still a good interaction. We then proceeded to order food from grubhub on my phone, naked in my bed, and he was very cuddly and sweet and affectionate – little kisses, that kind of thing. And I totally felt good, not freaked out, by the affection. (So we’re into territory I rarely go anymore).  We went back to my couch to hang out while waiting for the food…he tried to massage me, but his dog was nuts. Get food, eat it…and we try some more massaging and his dog is still insane. So we go back to my room, all the dogs follow, his dog wants to be next to us while we have sex. I’m weirded out by this (his dog is big and was right next to us). So we make her get down from the bed, she continues to bark. So…basically, I can’t decide if sex between us would be any good b/c I was super distracted by his dog. And he was super stressed by her too. He said next time he’ll leave her with his parents to watch…

Since he lives kind of far away, I had told him he could stay over, which I almost never allow. And I kind of freaked out. He fell asleep right away and was snoring gently. Not even bad. But I couldn’t relax and I kept getting more and more agitated and freaked out. It was weird b/c I actually liked his body next to mine, but I also was anxious.  So I woke him up to tell him that. He asked if he should leave and I said no (and meant it) and he asked if I could tell him why I couldn’t relax…and I started crying. Not audibly. And I don’t think he knew. But I was surprised by my reaction. I said I didn’t know and did ask if he could try sleeping on his side so that he wouldn’t (maybe) snore. He was happy to comply and cuddled me and I tried to relax. Luckily then one of my cats came up to me and I could cuddle my cat and between talking about my anxiety and having a cat to cuddle, I relaxed and fell asleep. Not that I slept well. I woke up many times. But it was much better. I genuinely did enjoy his cuddling, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted, even as I enjoyed it. I know, not a lot of sense to it.

Luckily he left early b/c his dog woke up and needed to go out.

I’ve been messaging him since. And I like him. I am not annoyed by his messages (a sure sign I’m done with a person). But I’m cautious. THG asked about Pokemon guy (b/c I told him another guy was over when he messaged and he asked about him and I basically said he was a super nice, sweet guy, and sex was just so so…but he was good to hang out with) and whether I wanted a relationship with him or what. I actually am glad he asked (it was the next morning) b/c he made me articulate where I was at – I like Pokemon guy. I think he wants something more serious and monogamous than I do, but I’ve been clear with him about where I’m at.  I’ll let things play out as they play out and *try* not to overthink what anything means. If I’m honest and open, it will be fine.  And I know I don’t want monogamy, even if I end up with some kind of “partner”, so, knowing that keeps me from FOMO.

Anyway, I have another date tonight with a guy actually older than me. That rarely happens. We’ll see!




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