I was just asked this on a dating app by someone I didn’t feel like responding to. It’s what I’ve decided (for now) to label myself where sex is on the table.
The easy answer is…I consider myself “straight”, but human attraction and chemistry isn’t based solely on genitalia, so if I’m attracted to a woman, that’s completely understandable and, if the attraction is mutual, there is no reason not to act on it.
So why don’t I go with “bi”? well, I don’t think I’ve earned that. Not because of lack of experience. But because I haven’t had to identify that way to anyone outside my bedroom. I get all the benefits of being heterosexual in society.
So, to me, heteroflexible feels like a comfortable label. I don’t get to co-opt someone else’s legitimate struggle for acceptance. I haven’t earned that right to ask for that level of acceptance within the LGBT community. Maybe someday I’ll do more than have sex with a woman and have to deal with the ramifications of dating a woman and then maybe I’ll have earned the bisexual label. But not yet. I don’t get that badge.
The funny thing is, if a guy said to me that he had had sex with another guy and enjoyed it, I would raise my eyebrow if he didn’t just accept he was bisexual. I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite, or if I’m just recognizing that FF sex is less transgressive in our society than MM sex.
sexandthesinglefeministblog 
As a bisexual man, it’s rare I get anyone claiming I’m “bisexual” when I’ve mentioned my attraction to and my involvement with men. Most people tend to lean towards “gay” or “transitioning to gay” when I mention it. And yet, I’ve been in bed with women far more often than men.
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Oh I completely believe this. There seems to be a real reluctance in society to believe that “bi” is a real thing, esp for men. Even as we start to accept sexuality is on a continuum. Do you find you get that attitude from gay men too? Or mostly straight people?
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Oh on both sides…straight and gay. But more so on the gay side.
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Interesting…I do think that, for whatever reason, we assume that men have a harder time admitting they are gay than women do…so we almost want to push that label on them. (as a society. Personally, I love bi guys. I think it’s incredibly hot for someone to be that comfortable with their sexuality to tell society to fuck off while they do what they want to do)
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So defiant, non-conformists turn you on? Good to know.
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They do 😉 well, as long as it’s what a person genuinely wants.
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Because there seems to be this idea in society that women are “allowed to experiment” with other women and it be a bit of fun and kind of hot, without them being gay (or even bi!), but with men, if you have an experience with another guy and enjoyed it, even if it was just a kiss, that’s it, you’re gay and need to just admit it already
there is a very noticeable double-standard between men and women in that regard
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100% agree!
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And I hate that! I hate it as a feminist and LGBT ally and sex-positive individual. But I also hate it because, damnit, I LOVE male on male action and I want MORE men to feel like experimenting with other men is something they are open to. I don’t want society shutting this down.
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Exactly, if a woman wants to experiment, it’s deemed just about “acceptable” but for all the guys who want to experiment, but feel pressure that they “can’t”, or that if they do, they are instantly confing themselves to a label forever more, that must be damaging on some level, as some men will feel repressed, or ashamed of how they are (even though there is no reason to feel like that!) or feel like it’s just more hassle than it’s worth to then try to educate people afterwards, and once they get to an age where they don’t care what people think anymore, often it appears too be late.
I know there are silly views about women and sex in society that are still prevalent, but at least nowadays I feel like there are more people standing up and speaking out about women in regards to sex and attitudes. But for this particular issue in regards to men and society, I feel there is very few movements to try and change that.
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I do think millennial guys are more open than prior generations. Or at least the ones I meet. I’m sure it helps guys open up about experiences or desires or curiosities since I am very open about how hot I find the idea of two men together. (Which, it shouldn’t be about female approval, but if that helps break down barriers, I guess that’s ok with me).
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Does there really need to be a label involved? If people (2 or more) are consensual as far as the “activities” are concerned…shouldn’t that be simply “healthy”?!?!
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For purposes of dating sites, one needs to label oneself. So I’ve been trying to decide what to label myself.
And I do think for a lot of LGBT, labeling oneself is a political statement (not saying it isn’t associated with desires and actions too). We’re not at the point yet in society where there is no need for political statements. I hope we get there. But I respect that when someone says “I am a lesbian”, they are doing more than telling me who they choose to sleep with. They are also telling me what community they identify with and how they see themselves. And they have put some thought into it.
Until we no longer default to heteronormative assumptions, I think there is a place for political declarations of sexual identity.
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Agreed! The entire sexuality labeling process is about personal identity, not sexual appetite. Overcoming a couple of thousand years of shame brought about by religious ideology won’t happen overnight?
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Which does lead me to thoughts on another post… that right now, our political declarations that relate to sexual identify really only relate to gender (gender identification and attraction). But there is still so much silence surrounding things like non-monogamy. I waffle between that being something that is no one else’s business and feeling like maybe it should be declared b/c I feel like an outsider in a world that sees non-monogamy as being damaged.
Anyway, another blog post!
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