“I’d rather people think I’m a lesbian than a slut”

I was messaging with a lesbian friend today because an ex-boyfriend asked me today if I was dating her.  We’d been mistaken for a couple the week before and she confessed that one of our mutual friends asked her if we were dating. I found it interesting simply because I’d never before had to navigate the assumptions that hanging out with another woman, as friends, must mean we’re dating.  And here even an ex-boyfriend is wondering…

I don’t care if people think I’m lesbian or bi (or at least, I’m pretty sure I don’t…still formulating thoughts on the threesome, so that’s to come).  Indeed, as I said to her, if people are going to assume something since I’m single and that seems to be something people struggle with understanding, I’d rather they think I’m in the closet as a lesbian or bisexual than that I’m just a slut, since the latter has more negative career implications for me.

And, is that fair that it should be that way?

The gay rights movement has done a great job with helping people understand that people are born with a certain orientation. But I think a lot of us recognize that, in doing this, it loses some nuance because, if you accept a Kinsey scale of sexuality, most of us are making some choices along the way.

And how many sexual partners one has is a choice.  But it’s informed by innate desires. I’m not equating sexual orientation and sexual desire for multiple partners as being co-equal. That’s beyond my pay grade. I’m just pointing out that we’re now at a point where if I chose to be with a woman as my partner, no one I work with would say anything to my face and most wouldn’t say more than “I didn’t know she was gay” behind my back (which goes to the silent face of bisexuality, where bisexuals pass as straight if they’re with a partner of the opposite sex).  But if I brought a different guy to every firm event, eyebrows would raise. Or if I said to someone at work “oh, this weekend I’m seeing two different guys”…

And I wonder if that’s fair? Why are we so sophisticated with the one choice, but not the other? And will we ever get to a place where it’s ok for a grown ass woman to make the choice to be a slut?