Casual sex and expectations…

It’s admittedly difficult to know where the line is with expectations and casual sex.  I mean, the purpose of not having a relationship (in part) is to avoid expectations.  But I think things get too casual when there are no expectations and/or minimal expectations are totally ignored.

I was thinking about the question this week “what is too casual?” (this relates into the expectation thing and is something I will probably blog about later).  But the issue presented itself this morning when I got a message from a guy I was supposed to meet a couple weeks ago…who completely flaked on the day we were supposed to meet.  We had a time and place (luckily it was my place, so I wasn’t doing the sad girl sit and wait).  He had seemed normal. Was close to my age (so I assumed some level of maturity). But the time/date came and went…nothing. I even sent a message later that day asking what happened. Nicely. Nothing. So I wrote him off.

This morning I woke up to a message from him “Hi there”.  I assumed a drunken message. He was horny.  Who knows.  Since I didn’t answer it at midnight, a 7 am answer probably would be ignored. But I was/am curious about this making plans and failing to show up phenomenon. So I responded that I didn’t expect to hear from him again.  He actually responded with “I’m sorry I did flake, completely my fault…”  So I asked him why he didn’t just cancel.  His response? “No. I’m sorry, I should have done that and I apologize.”

So I don’t know what to do. Do I forgive missteps in the expectation field? Do I just say “fuck it, this is already too hard?” Do I explain my expectations? I think one should be considerate when it comes to casual sex…recognize that there is some level of expectation, even with no expectations, and treat people like humans.  But how do you explain that? If I have to explain it, is that when I know it’s pointless to even try with a person?

I’m not really that worried about this one guy. It’s more something that is part of the casual sex world.  What are appropriate expectations and how to communicate them?


3 thoughts on “Casual sex and expectations…

  1. If you are really interested in this guy I would give him another chance. But if he flakes again…done. Actions speak louder than words, and if he doesn’t have his shit together enough to communicate with you and not silently bail totally not worth it.

    Enjoyed this post. I used to enjoy casual hook ups on the side of my open marriage. Haven’t much lately, but this post may inspire me to try again. I had a guy flake on me once as well. It’s a weird feeling isn’t it?


    1. It seems to be really common in the online casual sex dating world…I figure a good chunk of those who flake never intended to meet…they just wanted the thrill of the flirtation. But the ones who flake and then return? I don’t really understand it. I’m messaging with him. He wanted to see me today, but if I see anyone today, it will be another guy who I see sporadically, but he is not one to flake. I told him that I couldn’t do today, but it wasn’t an absolute no to ever seeing him.


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